Having been through the humiliating experience of being told I am unattractive to somebody I love because of my weight, I can’t help but wonder sometimes what it would be like to just lose a 100 lbs out of revenge. To then wear his favorite type of sexy outfit and parade around saying, “Too bad!”
I think it is probably normal to have little fantasies like this, where you “get back” at somebody.
I had a twinge of that last week when I had to be in the room with somebody who betrayed me quite badly. Somebody who pretended to be my friend, then…well, you’ll just have to draw your own conclusions. I pushed all of that aside for the time being, because the focus of the day was friends I care about and I wanted my energy to be with them.
The next day, I started pondering the nature of these types of thoughts. Why do these “revenge” fantasies push into our brains? Why are they so seductive? And what good would it do to try and be thin to simply rub it ins somebody’s face who doesn’t even care about me as a friend and a person? What difference does my size make when the people who really love and care about me, love me no matter what size I am?
I don’t want to be shallow, but the idea of just starving myself like the old days and getting thin for some kind of “FUCK YOU” — I don’t know how satisfying it would be. And if it was satisfying, how long would that last and what does it say about me as a person? Are these thoughts vestiges of my eating disorder? Are they simple human reactions? Billy says he thinks they are just normal thoughts, but that it’s good that I examine them and I don’t indulge them too much.
It got me to wondering how many people out there go on a “revenge” diet. It also made me wonder, in general, do these diets tend to be healthy or of the crash variety? How successful are they in terms of weight-loss compared to regular diets? And are the results long-lasting or do you just make yourself sick yo-yoing?
If anybody has any “revenge” diet experiences or thoughts, I’d love to hear about them.
This week I am trying something different – I am pretending I am allergic to dairy and gluten for one week. I have avoided it for two days so far, let’s see if I can make it through the week.
My oldest daughter is allergic to gluten and I have other relatives who are allergic as well. So, I figured it couldn’t hurt to just try one week, to see if it makes a difference in how I feel. In the past I have tried to go gluten free. But I think my mistake was not having a time limit on it. Or a final goal. Goals are important. Anyway, I am just trying out one week off of dairy and gluten to see how my body responds. If I am in a good groove by Friday and feel healthy, I may try an additional week.
Off of gluten and dairy I have noticed I am eating a lot more of the things that are good for me.
I’m recording my intake carefully, so I know just how I’m doing. Here is my journal for the past two days with calorie totals:
August 13, DAY 14 – Weighting for Me
The food at the fundraiser. I had to guess how much they put on the plate. The bbq was too delicious - sorry piggy. I didn't eat the beans.
Chicken: 1 very small thigh, 1 small drumstick, 2 wings (baked) – 253
1 sm apple – 55
Approx 1/2 cup pulled pork – 345
1/4c potato salad – 75
diet soda – 0
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
watermelon wedge – 55
2 ears of corn – 2x 45
mixed steamed veggies w 1tsp Smart Balance and garlic powder – about 1 1/2 cups – 125
5 sips of white wine – 35
TOTAL: 1193
August 14, Day 15
Billy made the eggs, I cut up the fruit. Teamwork!
1 egg – 70
1/2 banana – 50
1 lg peach- 65
Classic Cafe Salad from Panera, with apple instead of bread. Yummy, yummy bread.
Panera “Classic Cafe” salad- 170
1 sm. apple – 55
2 corn on the cob – 2×45
1 banana- 100
2 oz chicken breast – 50
2 oz turkey breast – 60
1.5 tsp mayo – 50
Edy’s juice fruit bar (frozen) – 70
1.5 tbsp of peanut butter – 150
tuna egg salad – 250
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
2 oz red wine – 50
Lg. wedge of watermelon – 100
3 prunes – 60
TOTAL: 1600
I have not been exercising nearly enough. I had tried walking once per week with my very sweet friend Christiana, but my heel would hurt for days afterwards. Since our trip to New York in April, I have suffered from hobbling foot pain in my right heel. Sometimes it’s fine and I can barely feel it. Other times, I can barely walk. The last walk we took has left it aggravated and I think I am going to have to swim and bike for a while and let my heel rest as much as possible. I am not looking forward to butt-pain from the bicycle seat, but at least that goes away after enough bike rides.
My beautiful friend and adventure girl, Christiana and me, during a walk.
I did swim for two hours last week in my friend Mary’s pool. Mary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. She has a very generous heart and she invited Jade and me over for breakfast and I blurted out a question about the pool. She said, “Sure, come on over and swim!’ We swam and I felt great. My left knee (arthritis) didn’t hurt and my right heel didn’t hurt and my herniated disc didn’t hurt – everything was great in the pool. I got lots of exercise without all of the pain afterwards! I made sure I mostly keep paddling and swimming and stayed in motion. It is hands down my most favorite exercise and I don’t even think of it as exercise. I think of it as play time.
Today my friend Angela is coming over and we are cooking her a belated birthday dinner. Jade is making her an apple pie in place of a birthday cake. Just like the one she made last week that I gorged on and made myself feel sick. SO! I am going to be prepared THIS TIME! I am going to make an apple crisp for myself. I am going to use oat flour instead of wheat, some brown sugar, some agave nectar, a healthy dose of cinnamon (which it turns out is very good for you), some walnuts (healthy fats!) and several apples. I will let you know how it turns out and if it is a half decent replacement for pie.
I did weigh myself last Friday – I weighed in at 256.9 which would be a weight loss of 3.6lbs. I’m not sure how accurate that can be because I had been mid-cycle when I weighed myself the first Friday. Anyway, that was what the scale said.
I have been mostly journaling my food. I have to be very diligent about it or I start eating things I shouldn’t eat – or at least over doing it.
I was away for the weekend and at cookout birthday party type stuff. We ate healthfully overall. I did have a piece of birthday cake – a smallish size slice from the center. I did also have a ton of raw veggies. I did dip in some dip though – so, I’m not sure how to count that kind of thing.
What do YOU do when you go to a cookout or party? I don’t mean you just go to a kid’s party for two hours – that is somewhat avoidable temptation. I mean, what do you do when you have a cookout to attend and your meal will be coming from that event for the day? Do you just splurge, then starve the next day or exercise a couple of extra hours? Do you go ahead and have some of the higher fat and sugar items, but in small quantities? Do you turn away anything but veggies?
And isn’t it kind of rude to go to a cookout or a party and not eat anything?
The days since Friday that I did do calorie totals:
August 9 – 1620
August 10- 1870
The other days I just tried to control my portions and not over indulge on anything.
I also decided to try and go without gluten this week. Just to see if I felt any different. I felt pretty good most of the week. My friend Mary suggested I eat my tuna salad in lettuce instead of bread – which worked out great. She also let me swim in her pool for two hours. Swimming is officially my favorite exercise. It doesn’t hurt my knee. Or my heel, which still sometimes hurts quite badly since our trip to New York. So swimming was easy on my joints, my feet, my back and I LOVED DOING IT! If I had a swimming pool I think I would swim every single day.
Yesterday was terrible, food-wise. Not only did I eat gluten but I ate too much sugar. Jade made a practice Dutch Apple Pie – it had big chunks of sweet spicy apple. YUM! But I ate too much and felt sick for part of the evening. I didn’t eat much else besides things I shouldn’t have. I had fondue with pumpernickel and turkey. I had too much pie – four of us killed that pie by the end of the evening. I also had a small piece of Oreo cake that Jade’s friend made himself and wanted us to try. See, they were having a PSYCH marathon day and they both made something to share.
I don’t want to be uptight about food. I don’t want to be rude and I like trying things that people bring to events. What is the best ways to enjoy yourself, watch your dietary needs and have fun – yet KEEP TRACK? Is it even possible without appearing neurotic about food? Without being a bad guest?
I have not done any regular exercise. I really need to figure out what I can do that won’t hurt! Wish I had a swimming pool!
It’s the start of day three. I got up late, but I didn’t get to bed officially until 7am. Though I did take a nap on the couch for a few hours before making it to bed.
I was up past 3 and this sometimes makes calorie counting difficult. When what was supposed to be your last meal was around dinner time and your last snack was early evening, that’s a long stretch for a busy girl to have no food.
I ended up buying some Skinny Cow fudge bars yesterday. I also rely on popcorn as a back-up plan. Popcorn just screams “late night snack” – but 3am is almost breakfast time, so I ended up having a small bowl of Post Raisin Bran. After that, I plopped the bowl on the floor for Kali the cat to finish off the few drops of milk. I decided to watch the rest of a Burn Notice episode and fold towels, and fell asleep somewhere in there.
This begs the question: Do I count the cereal on yesterday or today? Is the cut off time midnight? Or maybe 2am? Or maybe it’s the “same day” if you haven’t gone to bed yet?
I got pretty snacky being up late and working. I tried to keep it healthy. The only “bad” food I had yesterday was fries. That’s right I said “bad” food. Not as a “moral judgment” but as in “not really good for your body.” And if you decide to read my interaction with that blogger, you might be interested in this post where it sure seems like she’s judging food. I would have left a note on her bloggy asking her if she’d changed her feelings about food judgments, but I didn’t care for our last interaction, so I didn’t bother. Anyway, fries really aren’t good for you. But I like them. And I need to really consider why I chose the fries over some kind of veggie on the side. Maybe simply because they are a sensual experience. And I’m all for sensual experience. I just need to be careful. Not feeling guilty, just wondering what it all adds up to in the end for my delicate blood sugar.
The other issue that seems to have worsened is my sleep being disturbed by not breathing well. I lay on my side but that doesn’t always work. Now, I have always snored, even when I was thin, but I haven’t always had my breathing obstructed. I know this is happening both because Will has witnessed it and because I feel crappy, headachy and I even experience some blockage when I’m awake, if I am laying in just the wrong way. I guess you can put on weight INSIDE of your mouth/throat, because it somehow feels “fatter” and it’s very uncomfortable. There was improvement with the previous weight loss, so I can’t pretend that there isn’t something at work here. I can’t shout from my previous “fat acceptance” stance that it’s not true or real. I have to admit that the weight does have some impact on this aspect of my health.
Anyway, here is my journal for yesterday. You will notice that I stopped putting the measurements and individual calorie amounts along with the food items – it’s just too time consuming. If you really miss knowing the portion sizes and calories for each item, let me know and I will go back to it. I don’t have to put them here for my own sake because I have them in my journal.
By the way – after my year-long experiment with Weighting for You I have decided (which I previously believed to be true but hadn’t tested) that calories-in, calories-out is utter crap. There is so much more to it than that.
Have a beautiful day!
English muffin with Smart Balance
pita chips, hummus, cucumber, feta
warm turkey sandwich, avocado, lettuce, tomato, mayo on baguette (next time I’ll ask MiMi’s if they have whole grain. The sandwich was a nice smaller size, which I liked. They tend to have very healthy menu selections and smaller portions if you want them and they are a little easier on the wallet too.)
I ate part of the sandwich at MiMi’s and took the rest home because I filled up on giant cucumber slices and hummus.
Fries
two glasses of tea each sweetened with two packets of sugar
bing cherries
Skinny Cow fudge bar (I should really read the ingredients – got lazy on that one – will check in with ya on that later)
very small glass of Camelot mead (VERY TASTY MEAD, my favorite so far!)
raisin bran with milk
TOTAL:
1823 calories
Well, I went a bit over the 1800 mark. But it was a long day and I didn’t over-indulge on anything. I do tend to eat lots of fruits and veggies when I’m tracking – which will really help my health in the long run. For the sake of my blood sugar, I need to avoid going long periods without eating then eating a large meal. Actually, for my reflux too. Finding that balance will be nice. That sweet spot of feeling comfortable, healthy and energetic and well rested. Feeling like my body is getting all it needs to be strong and not start breaking down. I don’t think that we can maintain something like that at all times. But we sure can do our best to take care of ourselves, for our own sake and for those who love us.
By the way – the other day I ate 25 cherries for a snack. That was a good snack. The size was satisfying and enjoyable. Last night I ate 32 and felt over-stuffed. I wished I’d stopped at 25!
April was the last time I blogged here, as you can see. My life has been through some major transitions since I last blogged. That is part of what has made a focus on my diet feel so strangling. I know that some people actually buckle down on their intake and exercise when their lives feel out of control – it makes them feel more in control. But for me, it was a place I needed to focus so much energy that I just didn’t have. The daily stress of planning and recording is with you any time you think about taking anything into your body can get to be too much. Its there in the background, when you get thirsty. The moment your tummy begins to grumble.
There are lots of reasons it becomes overwhelming. Some might call them excuses. People can call them whatever they like. I knew I was in over my head. And for whatever reason I can’t seem to keep my food in check without, well, checking it. Checking the measurements, the weight, the calories. It’s too easy to take in over 1800 calories. It’s too easy to allow myself a few cookies one day and ice cream the next. It’s easy to lose track of what I’m taking in, good or bad. And that means I may not be taking in enough of the good stuff.
I never realized before how many things tie two lives together. Especially when those lives have been together for about twenty years and there are children involved. And pets.
The pets have been the most recent difficulty. We have five household pets. One of the dogs belongs to our oldest daughter who moved and couldn’t take the dog with her. Then with my husband leaving, it left quite a strain on my time. One of the cats got a urinary tract infection and began ruining the carpet. Suddenly we had new diets to deal with, pills, antibiotics and now all pets have to be fed in different places because one of them can share food now. So, most of my days had begun to become about pet care. Without the husband coming home at night to do the feeding and playing with the dogs, it all became overwhelming.
There was a lot to come to terms with emotionally too. Some of them come up when you aren’t expecting it. Like finding out that somebody who was supposedly your friend betrayed you and probably doesn’t even care that she did. So much comes out when a marriage is ending. Never *all* of it…but a lot. Enough to make a person sick with stress. And distracted.
Anyway, with a house divided I now need to start making money with my art or put my art on hold until I sort all of this out. Finances, fighting, the new girlfriend, uncertainty, five pets, three websites, measuring food, busy teen daughter, and trying to run a business got to be too much for me. Something had to give. The food related stuff was easy to drop. I figured I had done my project. It had almost been a year. I couldn’t find the motivation. Then, my jeans started getting tight and I got winded climbing stairs. I wake up sometimes, not breathing well and with a headache. These are things I need to remember when I start to slack.
As I started to feel worse, physically and Will noticed more pre-made sorts of foods creeping into the house, he gently reminded me he wanted me around a long time. And I know I want to be around for him. And my girls. WHY is that SO HARD to remember when you are craving sweets and staring down warm chocolate chip cookies?
I need to go back to the mindset having stuff like that, but in serious moderation. Saying I can’t have chocolate for the rest of my life is like saying I can’t have sex! I am a sensualist after all.
But even with my health hanging in the balance, I had a hard time feeling a push. Then Will suggested a new angle on my “Weighting for You” project. Turn it more inwards. Make it about me and not the project itself. Make it all about my health and my dreams. Make it just about me. About taking care of myself. He said, “Change it from Weighting for You to Weighting for Me.” It seems so simple, so obvious — and, well, something lit up.
So, here I am – trying again. I guess all I can do is keep trying. I don’t want to give up on myself. Giving up on myself is giving up on the people who love and care about me. I hope I can remember that, even when a pile of warm cookies are nearby.
FRIDAY JULY 30th — DAY 1 OF “Weighting for Me”
Weigh-In: 260.5
Dang – gained all of my weight back. But that doesn’t bother me as much as the headaches from not sleeping well and the worsening of my PMS. Look at how quickly I could undo all of the good I had done over the course of a year. It’s kind of amazing when you think about it.
I am so mystified and intrigued by my own behavior. And I can’t help but feel like the project itself is bringing back some old dieting type behaviors. Old thinking I really need to rid myself of.
As my spirit guide told me, “You need to make good choices EVERY TIME you eat. Not just most of the time. Every time!”
I was out running errands on Thursday. I was buying bananas, eggplant, mushrooms and almond milk. My mind was on the healthful menu of the next day. I was thinking maybe some ratatouille for dinner – tasty, good for you and almost no fat and no bad stuff at all! I think I am going to go simmer the eggplant when I’m done here. Anyway, while walking past the bakery I could smell the sweet dough cooking. The powdered sugar. The custard. I walked by and went to various other areas of the store and then, got to thinking about how I would be recording my food the next day. About how if I got hungry for a donut or cake, I would have to keep everything so controlled. I am so exhausted right now of control – mostly of my feelings with my separation going on and trying to just take steps in a good direction. But to do that, you have to swallow a lot of emotions. I kept smelling those donuts.
I ended up buying four and during the next few hours ate three Shoppers Food Warehouse “collossal donuts.” It was really more like two and a half because after a few bites of one of them, I didn’t care for it and tossed it back in the box and I shared one with Jade (bad mom). I got four different types to satisfy whatever craving I was worried I would have in the near future and be unable to indulge.
What is wrong with this picture!?!
Know what’s really bad? I wasn’t even craving them at the MOMENT. The smell inspired me to want them, but if it had been any other normal day, I don’t think I would have eaten them. I just wasn’t dying for one, ya know? I was more worried about a FUTURE craving for one. Why do I do that? Do you ever do that?
Now the “fat acceptance” camp would tell me that there is no bad food. But I don’t believe that. I think eating almost three whole giant donuts when you are possibly pre-diabetic is a bad choice. I still haven’t had my bloodwork done, so I don’t know for sure, but for now I think it’s better to work on the premise that I could get diabetes. Even if I am not officially pre-diabetic per the lab results, I still am at risk because of family history at least. And my weight has some bearing on that.
What was going through my mind? Why did I do this? Is this part of my mental illness? Is it simply a matter of lack of will power?
Then I went ahead and had a Chickfila sandwich and fries for dinner. When I am tracking my food I eat the grilled chicken sandwich with no sauce and no fries and an unsweetened iced tea. I had the regular sandwich with extra pickles – like I used to when I was pregnant and later when I was working at the computer store with Robert when Jade was a toddler. And I went ahead and had the fries. I had still had the unsweetened tea though. But what is going on here? I was having food based on future cravings and nostalgia. I think I was eating from a very emotional place on Thursday instead of listening to my own body and what it wanted and needed. It wasn’t even logical.
The weird thing is, that when I’m not counting my food and in the years previous to Weighting (but after my eating disorder, from about 2001 and on) I hardly ate fast food! Only when we were traveling did I stop at Wendy’s or Hardee’s. On our way to Virginia Beach mostly.
I also keep trying to decide if I should focus on losing weight along with healthful eating habits or if I should just focus on healthful eating. When I think about my weight, I tend to get more neurotic. I think I still do anyway! I’m not sure. I haven’t set a goal weight since I started this project because that isn’t what it’s supposed to be about. But I do feel good when I have had a great week eating healthy foods and exercising and the scale reflects it. I worry about how that makes me think about myself. But is there a point in worrying about it, or just do it?
Should I set a goal weight? Should I just keep trying to eat good food and stay away from bad food? What am I doing? What are my goals?
Well, my goals have been healthy cholesterol level. Healthy blood sugar level. Healthy hormone and vitamin levels – remember that super low vitamin D?
I tried going meat, dairy and gluten free a week ago and got a horrible headache. It took me down in the middle of a party and I had to lay down. I felt like I would be sick. I’ve rarely had a headache that bad. I think I need to eat enough to be full, but not overdo it. I think I need to make sure it’s quality food. But I don’t want to cut out everything I love.
Yesterday I didn’t write down my food but I paid attention to what I was eating, but even so still ate one peep and and about an ounce of chocolate. Now, chocolate isn’t on the no-no list – it has anti-oxidants! But, it needs to be quality chocolate and in small amounts. If I could have tasty chocolate that had no sugar, I would – but it doesn’t exist!
Yesterday I ate red pepper hummus and made fruit/almond milk smoothies for Amy and myself. I had a turkey sandwich with lots of tomatoes and some light dressing on whole wheat bread. But, I need to record it because by the end of the day, I will end up thoughtlessly snacking. I need to keep it all written down – my exercise too. I was doing so well when I kept it all written down. Made myself accountable. But I do get tired of all that constant control. I’m a relaxed, emotional sensualist – I don’t like having so many controls over my life – but there has to be a balance between doing what I want and enjoy and what I must for my health and the people I love.
I need to think of them when I consider eating a donut.
WEIGHT April 16, 2010 — 249.8
WEIGHT February 21, 2010 — 251.2
Loss: 1.4 lbs.
FIRST WEIGH-IN May 29, 2009 — 259.7
TOTAL LOSS: 9.9
In almost a year I’ve lost only 9.9 lbs, even though during most of that time I was trying hard to eat healthfully. I find it interesting.
Recently on Dr. Phil there was some discussion about weight and fat acceptance and all of that. I found the topics of people who have very weight-loss resistant bodies. There was some really great points made from both sides. Though one dude was just a total jerk. But that is everywhere.
For the people who have a hard time losing weight, should they starve and feel deprived all the time I wonder?
I know what it’s like to be judged for my weight and size and sit across from a thinner person who can eat a chicken fried steak the size of a dinner plate and suffer very few outward appearance related consequences.
Try to remember each fat person has a story. And just because somebody is thin, doesn’t mean they are healthy. We all have our own story. And our bodies are all different.
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.” ~ Lord of the Rings quote
*****
You may have noticed, I haven’t blogged in a while. Though I have, in some small measure, updated my regular website: www.HeatherBartlettArt.com
Though I have been unable to focus on Weighting, in a way, I am always doing it. I just haven’t been recording food and weight and measurements. But it is in my mind each time I make a decision, to exercise, to not exercise, to eat a brownie or a salad instead. Because I haven’t been recording or being as accountable for my food, I am sure I am the same or more than the last time I weighed. I plan on trying, yet again, to focus a bit harder on this project. The project of me.
I am not sorry for all of the re-starts. I am not sorry for trying again and again to focus my energy. I do wish that I’d been able to manage, but I forgive myself for so many reasons. The first of which is that I don’t really need to be hard on myself anymore when I approach or run right into a perceived failure. I have had a difficult year. Weeks before this project started I began having difficulty in my marriage. I also received a lot of negative feedback about me, the way I looked, the way I spoke, the way I viewed the future, the present and about me as a person, and in particular as a wife, from both my husband and his new girlfriend. Some things I already knew about myself, but had no idea they were having such a devastating impact on my marriage. Other things, I’d never previously known. Not for lack of wanting to, though.
This barrage of negativity chipped away at my self-esteem. It was a difficult thing to add on top of all of the dangerous self-talk I was about to invite into my life by focusing on my food and my weight. While I was in the photo session to take the photos that I used for the banner and for “Eviscerated by the Peach Jar’s Glass” as well as other shots to be used later, I spent much of that session on the verge of tears and self-loathing. It is difficult for me to look at those session photos because I feel so ugly.
This, to me, is a bit ironic. Why? A few months ago I took some photos in the same “wardrobe” as the session back in May of last year: a sheet. These photos were out in the snow. I was feeling more like my old self. I was having moments of joy – yes, true moments of joy. The girl in those photos is the same girl, but she looks so different to me. Can that be?
I have often said that when women come into my studio they are not to allowed to say or think negative things about themselves. It is a “goddess zone” – a safe place from negative self-talk. I believe their faith in themselves and their faith in me to take a good photo, has a huge influence on how well the photos turn out. It’s so important to believe in your power. It’s even more important not to let others take it away from you.
I suppose it would be easier to just ignore those bad things being said about me if I didn’t care a whit about the person saying them. Or what they thought of me. But when you believe a person is seeing you in a golden light and you find out that they are seeing you in a very negative way, you feel squashed like a bug. Annoying like a fly. And as important as an ancient, dusty, dilapidated, threadbare couch.
What can you do? You sort out the eggs from the baked cake as best you can, try to fill in the holes with something resembling dignity and limp away. Lick your wounds. Cry. Ask yourself “why” a million times. Then realize that you still have people who think you are pretty terrific. Or at least they seem to. You realize you have enough food to eat and a roof over your head and beautiful daughters and you say, “I think I can do this…” And even though you are still full of holes, you try and keep moving. Keep trying. Keep waking up and putting on clothes and taking steps in well-lit direction. Watch you step. Careful with your footing. Yes, careful with your footing.
Your critics will feel excited that somebody who was supposed to love you now sees you more in the light they do. They will have big, “I KNEW IT!” grins on their faces. And you just deal with it because, really, you don’t care what they think. You only care what the people who care about you think. So, you smile, with your head held high, and walk on by.
Do what you can to be good. Do what you can to cultivate good karma. Do what you can to feel like you have done your best. And call it a day.
I work on it every day. And I will keep working on it. And now, maybe I am at a calmer place where I can try again here.
Since I last blogged here I have had several medical tests on my spine, lymph nodes and thyroid. A bit of a scare, but basically – so far – nothing major to worry about. Well, they don’t think so anyway – I still have to get my bloodwork done. Another revelation from my doctor: I may be pre-diabetic. If that isn’t a reason to keep on with my Weighting project, I don’t know what is.
At the moment I feel as though I am picking up shreds of myself, my life, my health, my dignity, my hope and ideas, my love and my dreams and sewing them back together into a wild, crazy and hopefully beautiful quilt.
Please visit and leave your notes. They really do help me.
“A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love.” ~Leonard Cohen
***
So much has happened since last May when I started this project. I can hardly believe that nearly a year has gone by. I had initially set out to continue this project for one year, but I am thinking it is going to take longer than that to figure out the “balance” that I so desperately want.
I have been through some emotional traumas, as outlined in previous blog entries. I want you to understand that I did let the things going on with me emotionally affect my eating habits.
My heart was broken. Still is sometimes. Well, more like it broke and it got glued back part way and a few pieces are missing. Like that. And during the heartbreak, my body was my enemy. My fat body. I felt like I was not the full sexy potential of MY GODDESSYNESS because I am fat. Then I had to look at that. It’s so far from where I once was. And, hell, I’m not such a bad lookin’ dame. Right?….um, right?
Then I can get into a dozen other conversations with myself about, “why does how I look matter” and “am I not more than my body” and so forth. The truth is, I care about how I look. I care about how I smell. I care about how I FEEL! How I feel FIRST AND FOREMOST. And when I feel good, I look my best. And that is what it’s all about, being our own personal best.
I feel like too much time has passed since I was last seriously tracking food and measuring that the only thing I can do is start over. In a way, I started over each week before. That was one aspect I liked about weighing weekly. It was a marker. A point of marking of the past week and starting out the new week, which made the whole thing more digestible, since it was in smaller pieces than all the weeks ahead of me.
I have tried and tried to “re-start” and have had some success in small stretches. Mostly what I do these days is try to say no to stuff I know is really bad for me, unless I really really want it! That method doesn’t really make me accountable for my lack of exercise and for what I put into my mouth. But, hey, do I always need to be accountable? I suppose not, if my health doesn’t matter to me.
If you stumbled in on Weighting for the first time you might think the blog is about dieting. And you’d be right! But I’m not just a chubby girl trying to lose weight. I am trying to find out what affect dieting has on ME as a PERSON. My self esteem! My health!
I guess some people think it’s a no-brainer – if you are fat you are not healthy. But studies show that is not true. First of all, what is “fat”? Who gets to determine what fat is? And even if “they” do come up with a number for your height, will it apply to everybody evenly across the board? DOES ANYTHING APPLY TO EVERBODY EVENLY ACROSS THE BOARD? Of course not.
You will not come here and find thinspiration or the best way to have a 500 calorie day. Nor will you find encouragement to eat whatever you want as long as you are happy with your body image.
I am going to be 40 years old next month. My weight is affecting my health. I have a small amount fat in my organs. That’s bad and I don’t want it to get worse. I also have had a borderline glucose level and depleted vitamin D. However, my blood pressure seems to be good and my cholesterol (total) is good, though I do need to work on adjusting the numbers in the breakdown.
Here is what I am doing on this blog – I am finding my balance. MY healthy balance. To feel energetic, have a normal glucose level, avoid the legacy of diabetes and high cholesterol in my family and not have an eating disorder or hide behind fat acceptance. To be mindful of the rights of fat girls to be loved and appreciated, but not pretend that bacon double cheeseburgers are ok for my body and won’t impact me. I have seen the difference in my lab numbers. And yes, gasp, I even feel more comfortable with less belly!
So, folks, here is what I am going to do. Because of your love and encouragement I never give up. And even though I have started and re-started I don’t know how many times, I will re-start again.
Things working against me in previous months were the holidays, several feet of snow, winter, darkness, a pinched nerve or something in my upper back that is requiring an MRI and made some of the fingers on my left hand numb, which makes it weird to type. Winter may sound like a cop-out, but the cold weather makes me crave carbs and dairy – mac and cheese for instance.
However, due to my daughter’s severe sensitivity to gluten, I am going to try being gluten free for a few weeks to see how it makes me feel.
Anyway, I am going to kick start again, on Sunday, with some help from Will and I will also ask for some help from Jade.
*Will – I would love to start fresh on Sunday. This will give me time to get the grocery lists and meal plans in order. To put the recipes together in a binder that Tracy, Rachel and Brandi have given to me and if we both weigh on Sundays, which might make us both feel more accountable. Also, if you ask me if I’m doing my exercise, I’m more likely to do it. What do you think?
*Jade – do some walking with me? Maybe some yoga? Help me remember to take my vitamins, when I give you yours? Maybe help me green my thumb up a bit by helping grow some basil, dill and rosemary in the yard? You are sweet and thoughtful and I’m sure you will think of a dozen ways to help your momma.
My back is somewhat improved. I think it’s safe to start exercising again. The snow will melt at some point and spring is coming, which really makes me think bicycling thoughts.
I also have my very cool skates. To be honest, I was too heartbroken to use them. Maybe soon.
There are some big changes coming in my life next month. I will be forty. Robert is moving out of the house. There will be new connections and strain on old ones. But, I am determined that this is the year of The Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess and I will be healthy. I will find balance. I will do this not only for myself, but for the people I love and care about, and who love me too.
Remember Heather, love yourself, but also be firm with yourself and treat yourself at least as good as you would anybody that you love.
SUNDAY!
***
Will snapped some photos of my frolicking in the snow with nothing but a sheet. I have some with full nudity, but I am pondering those. Don’t get me wrong, there are two of them I love. I just have to meditate on it a bit longer. Will calls this series “SnoBaby” – which made me smile.
The excitement I had the day I took these photos – that is the way I want to feel about life. Excited. Interested. Alive and curious. Free.
I visited my friend Tracy recently and we were talking about my blog. Specifically this blog. She said something I found interesting, which is that I’ve been absent from my writings. Not really myself. She didn’t elaborate further, but I agreed that I’ve not been “all here” and I think it’s time for me to get back to my usual, artsy, emotive self. In this blog and my regular blog, www.HeatherBartlettArt.com. I miss telling you my heart secrets. I am tired of hiding so many parts of myself – my feelings and what I am going through inside. The things I am going through motivate much of what I do and the order in which I do it.
I have learned, in oh say the past eight months, to be more discreet. I would say too discreet. I haven’t struck that balance between being discreet about specifics and having a very open dialog about my heart, spirit and inspirations.
I will post my food journaling for the week tomorrow. I also have some food photos for you. I may even be starting up a food blog at some point.
For now I just want you to read the lyrics and watch the video I’ve posted by Daughtry. I’m not a big American Idol fan, but I like Daughtry. Recently I’ve really been able to connect to some of his songs. The video is of the homemade variety and although it has some very adolescent style emo transitions, I love the little cartoon illustrations, I think they are adorable and I chose this video because of them. If I had a choice I would erase most of what the rest of the video has and replace it with the song’s lyrics.
“Over You”
Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
****
It’s been too long since I’ve participated in my Weighting project. Why? Well, it’s been a mixture of a few things and all of them are valid and none of them are reason enough to not take good care of myself.
THE END TO SOME THINGS…
AND THE BEGINNING TO OTHERS.
In May of last year one of my close personal relationships began to strain. Evidently the other half of the relationship was unhappy and had been feeling the strain of unhappiness in one form or another for a while. They kept it hidden from me out of love and loyalty, at first. Then one day a dam broke and a torrent of many years of hurts and resentments came crashing over me. A poorly executed attempt to make a big change resulted in me learning a multitude of past lies and betrayals and the blame of their unhappiness laying at my feet. At first, I was so wounded by the concept that there might be something wrong with ME as a person – with the way I look, the way I talk, my ideals, they all seemed under scrutiny and I thought, for this person, maybe I should try harder, maybe I should change some of it. This really put me in turmoil because it goes against so many of my beliefs about learning to accept yourself. Yet, somebody I loved was unhappy and they were telling me that I had something to do with that, so I saw it as my duty to figure out what I was doing that was so bothersome. Yet, there was no one large glaring thing, more like a thousand tiny things and most of them weren’t really the kind you fix, they were just the kind that made you a less compatible companion.
For months following, promises were made and broken over and over and over. At some point, no matter how important a relationship is to you, you have to decide it’s doing more damage than good and if so, what you should do about it. You need to grow up enough to let the relationship shift, for your sake. You need to find the strength to allow them to pursue whatever it is that they think will make them happy, even if it means you have to keep stepping further and further out of the picture. (See the Alanis Morissette video down the page a bit further). This is life. This is the journey and nobody gets out of it without hurts and bends in the path.
When I first started Weighting back in May, I couldn’t really talk about any of this, but it was heavy in my heart every day. In those months of May through September, I was feeling very competitive about my looks. I did want to drop a lot of weight and in moments wanted to lower my calorie intake to force the weight change faster. But the part of me inside that was still strong kept telling me that I needed to be happy with myself the way I am. That’s really hard to do when you feel like your appearance has caused a major negative change in your life. The stress of not knowing each day what hurt was waiting for me, not knowing what was going to happen, made me wake up early most mornings, shaking, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. That continued through September. And I stayed pretty steady in my Weighting project until then. Then in September the decision was made that we should find a different sort of relationship to have. To have something that kept the good parts of what we have and cut out the parts that were causing problems. In some ways this shift made me focus less on my appearance. I had been pretty hard on myself in the months previous and suddenly felt burdened by having such a tight control on my food. It made me cranky and resentful to have to account for everything I was putting in my mouth and doubly so to have to admit it to the world if I decided to eat two donuts. Overnight, faded the urgent need to change my appearance to something thinner. Which wasn’t even what I wanted with this project in the first place. That was why I had such a hard time deciding if I should even do this project at all. I was concerned with all of these dire outside pressurs that made me question my self-worth that the project would trigger my eating disorder and become all about being thinner, instead of all about the concept of dieting. But I realized something recently – all of this, it’s all part of the journey and part of the project and my desire to alter my appearance, is part of the findings of this experiment.
Onward.
I had trained myself pretty good since May and for a couple of weeks I felt very guilty about some of the things I was putting in my mouth – cookies, pie, fried chicken and so forth. I still ate some of the healthy things I would eat, but a lot less of them. For a while there I was eating plenty of fruits and veggies every single day. Then, after the guilt started to subside and my conditioning of the previous months faded, I pretty much became the person I was before May. I ate bowls of cereal that I didn’t measure out. I indulged in many holiday cookies and copious amounts of mashed potatoes. I had white rice without an ounce of concern. Then by the time the holidays were drawing to a close, I felt pudgy. I never stopped being pudgy in the first place, but I was starting to feel pudgy. I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothing again. What had been getting loose was working on being tight again. I saw the hint of my waistline that had begun to emerge, now submerge under a layer of pounds. I made a few anemic efforts to start back on the project in the first few weeks after I stopped journaling, but at some point, just gave up. But in the days leading up to and following Christmas I had to admit a few things:
My knees were hurting again.
My hair was looking a little rough.
My tummy around my rib area has had a return of some subtle lumps that had started to go away and are now back.
My heart flutters were back and they had been absent nearly the entire time from sometime in May until just a couple of weeks ago.
My energy is lower and I am getting very sleepy after eating. Even passing out early on the couch and having a hard time waking.
I have had more headaches in the past month, particularly the past two weeks, than I have had in all the previous months since May.
I feel crappy because I know my labs would probably suck right now if I took them, so there is an emotional impact.
I want to be around a long time for my daughters and for Will. I want to be healthy for the people who love me and I want to respect myself enough, not to “lose weight” but to eat healthy and exercise so I don’t have a stroke or heart disease or diabetes. I want to be good to myself.
I decided that the balance I had in Weighting during the first several months is what I need to think about. I was eating a small amount of chocolate most days of the month. I was having wine when I really wanted it, in small amounts. I just need to re-boot the whole concept and enjoy wine, chocolate and put plenty of healthy things in my mouth every day. I need to feel happy and indulge my sensual side, while not over-indulging more than rarely. For myself and for those who love me.
I will enjoy food. I will have treats. I am a sensualist and not having enjoyable food is like living without sex. Those things make me happier – sex, wine, chocolate, they add to my happiness and I will not give them up. I don’t feel I need to, if I just keep a nice balance.
I know some people who really had a horrible 2009. My suffering is nothing compared to that of some, but I did suffer and hurt. I feel my heart was disrespected and mutilated for months. Eventually, coming to an understanding helped put some of that on the mend. I will never be the same in my heart though – some for worse, some for better. Hopefully the joy will outweigh the pain. But more than anything, hopefully I will have grown enough to be less selfish and more giving. Hopefully I will come to a place of complete healing where I can be at peace with those who did not have my best interest at heart, in a fleeting moment or still today.
I have long loved the idea of this song, which I think my friend Jackie called to my attention a number of years ago:
And so my journey continues. My heart, scarred and scared, still beats. I am thankful for that.
My friend Tracy said this year is going to be better. 2010 is going to be the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddesses.
WEIGH IN
I find it facinating that doing the Weighting project for something like 6 months I lost almost 20lbs. Yet not focusing on exercise, calories and fat for about six weeks did an amazingly fast amount of “damage.” Why is it that we can put the weight on so much quicker and easier than it takes it to melt away? Actually, there is an article in a magazine somewhere I was readina all about the biology of weight fluctuations. I meant to post about it some time ago.
In any case, today’s weight is 253. My first weigh in, May 2009 was 259.7.
I got as low as 240.5. Nearly down into the 230s. I haven’t been there in probably 12 or 13 years. It would have been nice to get down. I was feeling more balanced in my appearance. Why does it even matter? I don’t know, it just does for some reason. I don’t hate myself because I am round. I just would prefer being a little less round. But more than that, I prefer feeling great. I prefer feeling healthy, strong and full of energy.
I’m not one of those fat girls who think they can’t dress sexy or ride a bike or go to the park with their kids or fly to Paris because she is fat. No fucking way. I can do all of those things, if I want to. I just think life would be a little easier if I was about 75lbs lighter. I only just now pulled that number out of the air. I don’t even know if 75 is necessary, but it sounds ok. And I don’t want to meditate on a number, I just want to eat healthy. But would it help to have a goal amount to try and lose? Or would it make me crazy? Is it anti-feminist? Is it anti-self-esteem and a bad example to try? Am I over-thinking the whole thing?
WILL’S HELP
After watching my stress level max out and my exercise regime disintegrate; after seeing the return of snack foods to the pantry and the take-out menus getting more wear-and-tear, Will told me, “After the holidays I am going to be more involved with your Weighting project and I am going to help more with the food. When you eat better, I eat better, we all eat better and I am feeling it. I want you to be healthy for a long time and I do too.” Something like that. Anyway, I was already going there in my mind too and we have very similar likes with food – Jade does too, so with some extra help it should be easier. Though Will is not going to be journaling what he eats, he is going to think more about portion size and what he eats and will be weighing with me. The really big change besides the type of food though, will be that he and I will be making each other accountable for regular aerobic activity. We both sit at desks all day. I am able to get myself into a routine usually because I have my mini-trampoline here, but with his long commute, it’s tough for him to squeeze in time for exercise, but we are going to make it happen.
WILL’S WEIGH-IN: 179.9
This morning I made eggs with veggies and veggie patty sausage. I used a couple of yolks and several egg whites. That mixed with onion, mushroom and green pepper made a very large, yet low calorie, breakfast. Besides being tasty it was good for us. And I felt good about it after I ate it too!
Am I discouraged that I’ve essentially only lost 6.7 lbs? Well, honestly – no. I was worried I would be BEFORE I stepped onto the scale, but with Will’s love and support and all of you who send me so much encouragement, I feel pretty good about the what I’ve done here on Weighting. I also feel like I’m getting a fresh start. Like a bulk of the stress, hurt and confusion is behind me. I want to be here for the people who want me to be here — I want to be here and be strong and sharp and capable. I also want to be happy. So, count your blessings Heather and pay attention to your health, it matters.
A fresh start in 2010 – the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess.
