I did weigh myself last Friday – I weighed in at 256.9 which would be a weight loss of 3.6lbs. I’m not sure how accurate that can be because I had been mid-cycle when I weighed myself the first Friday. Anyway, that was what the scale said.
I have been mostly journaling my food. I have to be very diligent about it or I start eating things I shouldn’t eat – or at least over doing it.
I was away for the weekend and at cookout birthday party type stuff. We ate healthfully overall. I did have a piece of birthday cake – a smallish size slice from the center. I did also have a ton of raw veggies. I did dip in some dip though – so, I’m not sure how to count that kind of thing.
What do YOU do when you go to a cookout or party? I don’t mean you just go to a kid’s party for two hours – that is somewhat avoidable temptation. I mean, what do you do when you have a cookout to attend and your meal will be coming from that event for the day? Do you just splurge, then starve the next day or exercise a couple of extra hours? Do you go ahead and have some of the higher fat and sugar items, but in small quantities? Do you turn away anything but veggies?
And isn’t it kind of rude to go to a cookout or a party and not eat anything?
The days since Friday that I did do calorie totals:
August 9 – 1620
August 10- 1870
The other days I just tried to control my portions and not over indulge on anything.
I also decided to try and go without gluten this week. Just to see if I felt any different. I felt pretty good most of the week. My friend Mary suggested I eat my tuna salad in lettuce instead of bread – which worked out great. She also let me swim in her pool for two hours. Swimming is officially my favorite exercise. It doesn’t hurt my knee. Or my heel, which still sometimes hurts quite badly since our trip to New York. So swimming was easy on my joints, my feet, my back and I LOVED DOING IT! If I had a swimming pool I think I would swim every single day.
Yesterday was terrible, food-wise. Not only did I eat gluten but I ate too much sugar. Jade made a practice Dutch Apple Pie – it had big chunks of sweet spicy apple. YUM! But I ate too much and felt sick for part of the evening. I didn’t eat much else besides things I shouldn’t have. I had fondue with pumpernickel and turkey. I had too much pie – four of us killed that pie by the end of the evening. I also had a small piece of Oreo cake that Jade’s friend made himself and wanted us to try. See, they were having a PSYCH marathon day and they both made something to share.
I don’t want to be uptight about food. I don’t want to be rude and I like trying things that people bring to events. What is the best ways to enjoy yourself, watch your dietary needs and have fun – yet KEEP TRACK? Is it even possible without appearing neurotic about food? Without being a bad guest?
I have not done any regular exercise. I really need to figure out what I can do that won’t hurt! Wish I had a swimming pool!
April was the last time I blogged here, as you can see. My life has been through some major transitions since I last blogged. That is part of what has made a focus on my diet feel so strangling. I know that some people actually buckle down on their intake and exercise when their lives feel out of control – it makes them feel more in control. But for me, it was a place I needed to focus so much energy that I just didn’t have. The daily stress of planning and recording is with you any time you think about taking anything into your body can get to be too much. Its there in the background, when you get thirsty. The moment your tummy begins to grumble.
There are lots of reasons it becomes overwhelming. Some might call them excuses. People can call them whatever they like. I knew I was in over my head. And for whatever reason I can’t seem to keep my food in check without, well, checking it. Checking the measurements, the weight, the calories. It’s too easy to take in over 1800 calories. It’s too easy to allow myself a few cookies one day and ice cream the next. It’s easy to lose track of what I’m taking in, good or bad. And that means I may not be taking in enough of the good stuff.
I never realized before how many things tie two lives together. Especially when those lives have been together for about twenty years and there are children involved. And pets.
The pets have been the most recent difficulty. We have five household pets. One of the dogs belongs to our oldest daughter who moved and couldn’t take the dog with her. Then with my husband leaving, it left quite a strain on my time. One of the cats got a urinary tract infection and began ruining the carpet. Suddenly we had new diets to deal with, pills, antibiotics and now all pets have to be fed in different places because one of them can share food now. So, most of my days had begun to become about pet care. Without the husband coming home at night to do the feeding and playing with the dogs, it all became overwhelming.
There was a lot to come to terms with emotionally too. Some of them come up when you aren’t expecting it. Like finding out that somebody who was supposedly your friend betrayed you and probably doesn’t even care that she did. So much comes out when a marriage is ending. Never *all* of it…but a lot. Enough to make a person sick with stress. And distracted.
Anyway, with a house divided I now need to start making money with my art or put my art on hold until I sort all of this out. Finances, fighting, the new girlfriend, uncertainty, five pets, three websites, measuring food, busy teen daughter, and trying to run a business got to be too much for me. Something had to give. The food related stuff was easy to drop. I figured I had done my project. It had almost been a year. I couldn’t find the motivation. Then, my jeans started getting tight and I got winded climbing stairs. I wake up sometimes, not breathing well and with a headache. These are things I need to remember when I start to slack.
As I started to feel worse, physically and Will noticed more pre-made sorts of foods creeping into the house, he gently reminded me he wanted me around a long time. And I know I want to be around for him. And my girls. WHY is that SO HARD to remember when you are craving sweets and staring down warm chocolate chip cookies?
I need to go back to the mindset having stuff like that, but in serious moderation. Saying I can’t have chocolate for the rest of my life is like saying I can’t have sex! I am a sensualist after all.
But even with my health hanging in the balance, I had a hard time feeling a push. Then Will suggested a new angle on my “Weighting for You” project. Turn it more inwards. Make it about me and not the project itself. Make it all about my health and my dreams. Make it just about me. About taking care of myself. He said, “Change it from Weighting for You to Weighting for Me.” It seems so simple, so obvious — and, well, something lit up.
So, here I am – trying again. I guess all I can do is keep trying. I don’t want to give up on myself. Giving up on myself is giving up on the people who love and care about me. I hope I can remember that, even when a pile of warm cookies are nearby.
FRIDAY JULY 30th — DAY 1 OF “Weighting for Me”
Weigh-In: 260.5
Dang – gained all of my weight back. But that doesn’t bother me as much as the headaches from not sleeping well and the worsening of my PMS. Look at how quickly I could undo all of the good I had done over the course of a year. It’s kind of amazing when you think about it.
I am so mystified and intrigued by my own behavior. And I can’t help but feel like the project itself is bringing back some old dieting type behaviors. Old thinking I really need to rid myself of.
As my spirit guide told me, “You need to make good choices EVERY TIME you eat. Not just most of the time. Every time!”
I was out running errands on Thursday. I was buying bananas, eggplant, mushrooms and almond milk. My mind was on the healthful menu of the next day. I was thinking maybe some ratatouille for dinner – tasty, good for you and almost no fat and no bad stuff at all! I think I am going to go simmer the eggplant when I’m done here. Anyway, while walking past the bakery I could smell the sweet dough cooking. The powdered sugar. The custard. I walked by and went to various other areas of the store and then, got to thinking about how I would be recording my food the next day. About how if I got hungry for a donut or cake, I would have to keep everything so controlled. I am so exhausted right now of control – mostly of my feelings with my separation going on and trying to just take steps in a good direction. But to do that, you have to swallow a lot of emotions. I kept smelling those donuts.
I ended up buying four and during the next few hours ate three Shoppers Food Warehouse “collossal donuts.” It was really more like two and a half because after a few bites of one of them, I didn’t care for it and tossed it back in the box and I shared one with Jade (bad mom). I got four different types to satisfy whatever craving I was worried I would have in the near future and be unable to indulge.
What is wrong with this picture!?!
Know what’s really bad? I wasn’t even craving them at the MOMENT. The smell inspired me to want them, but if it had been any other normal day, I don’t think I would have eaten them. I just wasn’t dying for one, ya know? I was more worried about a FUTURE craving for one. Why do I do that? Do you ever do that?
Now the “fat acceptance” camp would tell me that there is no bad food. But I don’t believe that. I think eating almost three whole giant donuts when you are possibly pre-diabetic is a bad choice. I still haven’t had my bloodwork done, so I don’t know for sure, but for now I think it’s better to work on the premise that I could get diabetes. Even if I am not officially pre-diabetic per the lab results, I still am at risk because of family history at least. And my weight has some bearing on that.
What was going through my mind? Why did I do this? Is this part of my mental illness? Is it simply a matter of lack of will power?
Then I went ahead and had a Chickfila sandwich and fries for dinner. When I am tracking my food I eat the grilled chicken sandwich with no sauce and no fries and an unsweetened iced tea. I had the regular sandwich with extra pickles – like I used to when I was pregnant and later when I was working at the computer store with Robert when Jade was a toddler. And I went ahead and had the fries. I had still had the unsweetened tea though. But what is going on here? I was having food based on future cravings and nostalgia. I think I was eating from a very emotional place on Thursday instead of listening to my own body and what it wanted and needed. It wasn’t even logical.
The weird thing is, that when I’m not counting my food and in the years previous to Weighting (but after my eating disorder, from about 2001 and on) I hardly ate fast food! Only when we were traveling did I stop at Wendy’s or Hardee’s. On our way to Virginia Beach mostly.
I also keep trying to decide if I should focus on losing weight along with healthful eating habits or if I should just focus on healthful eating. When I think about my weight, I tend to get more neurotic. I think I still do anyway! I’m not sure. I haven’t set a goal weight since I started this project because that isn’t what it’s supposed to be about. But I do feel good when I have had a great week eating healthy foods and exercising and the scale reflects it. I worry about how that makes me think about myself. But is there a point in worrying about it, or just do it?
Should I set a goal weight? Should I just keep trying to eat good food and stay away from bad food? What am I doing? What are my goals?
Well, my goals have been healthy cholesterol level. Healthy blood sugar level. Healthy hormone and vitamin levels – remember that super low vitamin D?
I tried going meat, dairy and gluten free a week ago and got a horrible headache. It took me down in the middle of a party and I had to lay down. I felt like I would be sick. I’ve rarely had a headache that bad. I think I need to eat enough to be full, but not overdo it. I think I need to make sure it’s quality food. But I don’t want to cut out everything I love.
Yesterday I didn’t write down my food but I paid attention to what I was eating, but even so still ate one peep and and about an ounce of chocolate. Now, chocolate isn’t on the no-no list – it has anti-oxidants! But, it needs to be quality chocolate and in small amounts. If I could have tasty chocolate that had no sugar, I would – but it doesn’t exist!
Yesterday I ate red pepper hummus and made fruit/almond milk smoothies for Amy and myself. I had a turkey sandwich with lots of tomatoes and some light dressing on whole wheat bread. But, I need to record it because by the end of the day, I will end up thoughtlessly snacking. I need to keep it all written down – my exercise too. I was doing so well when I kept it all written down. Made myself accountable. But I do get tired of all that constant control. I’m a relaxed, emotional sensualist – I don’t like having so many controls over my life – but there has to be a balance between doing what I want and enjoy and what I must for my health and the people I love.
I need to think of them when I consider eating a donut.
WEIGHT April 16, 2010 — 249.8
WEIGHT February 21, 2010 — 251.2
Loss: 1.4 lbs.
FIRST WEIGH-IN May 29, 2009 — 259.7
TOTAL LOSS: 9.9
In almost a year I’ve lost only 9.9 lbs, even though during most of that time I was trying hard to eat healthfully. I find it interesting.
Recently on Dr. Phil there was some discussion about weight and fat acceptance and all of that. I found the topics of people who have very weight-loss resistant bodies. There was some really great points made from both sides. Though one dude was just a total jerk. But that is everywhere.
For the people who have a hard time losing weight, should they starve and feel deprived all the time I wonder?
I know what it’s like to be judged for my weight and size and sit across from a thinner person who can eat a chicken fried steak the size of a dinner plate and suffer very few outward appearance related consequences.
Try to remember each fat person has a story. And just because somebody is thin, doesn’t mean they are healthy. We all have our own story. And our bodies are all different.
My original day one was May 29, 2009. I am sleepy and do NOT feel like figuring out what day I am on. Though I know I will be on day 365 in May!
I woke up this morning feeling very happy and playful. I sat in my bedroom shooting photos of my stripey socks and Will and bells and other things, like a distracted child. When my feet hit the living-room floor, I suddenly remembered and hollered, “Billy! We have to weigh in today!”
I grabbed the glass cleaner and cleaned of the scale, which had gotten a bit dusty and dirty and took my weight, then Will’s.
I was very surprised to see I hadn’t gained back all of the pounds I’d lost on this project. I actually thought I might be weighing even more!
I immediately began doing some work at my desk and had lots of things to work out and then ended up on the phone with Rachelle. We got in a very involved conversation, at which time probably forty minutes had passed and I asked Will to make me eggs and when he asked what I would like on the side, I promptly forgot I am supposed to be trying to be gluten free and said, “One piece of toast!”
I’m glad to be doing the project again. I feel like I’m in a better place and position to be working on this project. I am also very sleepy right now so I will post my food journal for the day and photos.
FOOD JOURNAL
toast, SB, egg – 120, 45, 72
1.5 c tropical trail mix – 650
1 v. sm. mandarin orange – 35
1.5 c jasmine rice w/ 1.5 c of 15 bean soup, 1/2 slice of cheese – 260, 240, 40
1 lg banana – 107
TOTAL CALORIES: 1569
TODAY WEIGH-IN – 251.7
FIRST WEIGH-IN 259.7
DIFFERENCE: 8 lbs.
I wonder what my bloodwork would look like right now.
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
****
It’s been too long since I’ve participated in my Weighting project. Why? Well, it’s been a mixture of a few things and all of them are valid and none of them are reason enough to not take good care of myself.
THE END TO SOME THINGS…
AND THE BEGINNING TO OTHERS.
In May of last year one of my close personal relationships began to strain. Evidently the other half of the relationship was unhappy and had been feeling the strain of unhappiness in one form or another for a while. They kept it hidden from me out of love and loyalty, at first. Then one day a dam broke and a torrent of many years of hurts and resentments came crashing over me. A poorly executed attempt to make a big change resulted in me learning a multitude of past lies and betrayals and the blame of their unhappiness laying at my feet. At first, I was so wounded by the concept that there might be something wrong with ME as a person – with the way I look, the way I talk, my ideals, they all seemed under scrutiny and I thought, for this person, maybe I should try harder, maybe I should change some of it. This really put me in turmoil because it goes against so many of my beliefs about learning to accept yourself. Yet, somebody I loved was unhappy and they were telling me that I had something to do with that, so I saw it as my duty to figure out what I was doing that was so bothersome. Yet, there was no one large glaring thing, more like a thousand tiny things and most of them weren’t really the kind you fix, they were just the kind that made you a less compatible companion.
For months following, promises were made and broken over and over and over. At some point, no matter how important a relationship is to you, you have to decide it’s doing more damage than good and if so, what you should do about it. You need to grow up enough to let the relationship shift, for your sake. You need to find the strength to allow them to pursue whatever it is that they think will make them happy, even if it means you have to keep stepping further and further out of the picture. (See the Alanis Morissette video down the page a bit further). This is life. This is the journey and nobody gets out of it without hurts and bends in the path.
When I first started Weighting back in May, I couldn’t really talk about any of this, but it was heavy in my heart every day. In those months of May through September, I was feeling very competitive about my looks. I did want to drop a lot of weight and in moments wanted to lower my calorie intake to force the weight change faster. But the part of me inside that was still strong kept telling me that I needed to be happy with myself the way I am. That’s really hard to do when you feel like your appearance has caused a major negative change in your life. The stress of not knowing each day what hurt was waiting for me, not knowing what was going to happen, made me wake up early most mornings, shaking, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. That continued through September. And I stayed pretty steady in my Weighting project until then. Then in September the decision was made that we should find a different sort of relationship to have. To have something that kept the good parts of what we have and cut out the parts that were causing problems. In some ways this shift made me focus less on my appearance. I had been pretty hard on myself in the months previous and suddenly felt burdened by having such a tight control on my food. It made me cranky and resentful to have to account for everything I was putting in my mouth and doubly so to have to admit it to the world if I decided to eat two donuts. Overnight, faded the urgent need to change my appearance to something thinner. Which wasn’t even what I wanted with this project in the first place. That was why I had such a hard time deciding if I should even do this project at all. I was concerned with all of these dire outside pressurs that made me question my self-worth that the project would trigger my eating disorder and become all about being thinner, instead of all about the concept of dieting. But I realized something recently – all of this, it’s all part of the journey and part of the project and my desire to alter my appearance, is part of the findings of this experiment.
Onward.
I had trained myself pretty good since May and for a couple of weeks I felt very guilty about some of the things I was putting in my mouth – cookies, pie, fried chicken and so forth. I still ate some of the healthy things I would eat, but a lot less of them. For a while there I was eating plenty of fruits and veggies every single day. Then, after the guilt started to subside and my conditioning of the previous months faded, I pretty much became the person I was before May. I ate bowls of cereal that I didn’t measure out. I indulged in many holiday cookies and copious amounts of mashed potatoes. I had white rice without an ounce of concern. Then by the time the holidays were drawing to a close, I felt pudgy. I never stopped being pudgy in the first place, but I was starting to feel pudgy. I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothing again. What had been getting loose was working on being tight again. I saw the hint of my waistline that had begun to emerge, now submerge under a layer of pounds. I made a few anemic efforts to start back on the project in the first few weeks after I stopped journaling, but at some point, just gave up. But in the days leading up to and following Christmas I had to admit a few things:
My knees were hurting again.
My hair was looking a little rough.
My tummy around my rib area has had a return of some subtle lumps that had started to go away and are now back.
My heart flutters were back and they had been absent nearly the entire time from sometime in May until just a couple of weeks ago.
My energy is lower and I am getting very sleepy after eating. Even passing out early on the couch and having a hard time waking.
I have had more headaches in the past month, particularly the past two weeks, than I have had in all the previous months since May.
I feel crappy because I know my labs would probably suck right now if I took them, so there is an emotional impact.
I want to be around a long time for my daughters and for Will. I want to be healthy for the people who love me and I want to respect myself enough, not to “lose weight” but to eat healthy and exercise so I don’t have a stroke or heart disease or diabetes. I want to be good to myself.
I decided that the balance I had in Weighting during the first several months is what I need to think about. I was eating a small amount of chocolate most days of the month. I was having wine when I really wanted it, in small amounts. I just need to re-boot the whole concept and enjoy wine, chocolate and put plenty of healthy things in my mouth every day. I need to feel happy and indulge my sensual side, while not over-indulging more than rarely. For myself and for those who love me.
I will enjoy food. I will have treats. I am a sensualist and not having enjoyable food is like living without sex. Those things make me happier – sex, wine, chocolate, they add to my happiness and I will not give them up. I don’t feel I need to, if I just keep a nice balance.
I know some people who really had a horrible 2009. My suffering is nothing compared to that of some, but I did suffer and hurt. I feel my heart was disrespected and mutilated for months. Eventually, coming to an understanding helped put some of that on the mend. I will never be the same in my heart though – some for worse, some for better. Hopefully the joy will outweigh the pain. But more than anything, hopefully I will have grown enough to be less selfish and more giving. Hopefully I will come to a place of complete healing where I can be at peace with those who did not have my best interest at heart, in a fleeting moment or still today.
I have long loved the idea of this song, which I think my friend Jackie called to my attention a number of years ago:
And so my journey continues. My heart, scarred and scared, still beats. I am thankful for that.
My friend Tracy said this year is going to be better. 2010 is going to be the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddesses.
WEIGH IN
I find it facinating that doing the Weighting project for something like 6 months I lost almost 20lbs. Yet not focusing on exercise, calories and fat for about six weeks did an amazingly fast amount of “damage.” Why is it that we can put the weight on so much quicker and easier than it takes it to melt away? Actually, there is an article in a magazine somewhere I was readina all about the biology of weight fluctuations. I meant to post about it some time ago.
In any case, today’s weight is 253. My first weigh in, May 2009 was 259.7.
I got as low as 240.5. Nearly down into the 230s. I haven’t been there in probably 12 or 13 years. It would have been nice to get down. I was feeling more balanced in my appearance. Why does it even matter? I don’t know, it just does for some reason. I don’t hate myself because I am round. I just would prefer being a little less round. But more than that, I prefer feeling great. I prefer feeling healthy, strong and full of energy.
I’m not one of those fat girls who think they can’t dress sexy or ride a bike or go to the park with their kids or fly to Paris because she is fat. No fucking way. I can do all of those things, if I want to. I just think life would be a little easier if I was about 75lbs lighter. I only just now pulled that number out of the air. I don’t even know if 75 is necessary, but it sounds ok. And I don’t want to meditate on a number, I just want to eat healthy. But would it help to have a goal amount to try and lose? Or would it make me crazy? Is it anti-feminist? Is it anti-self-esteem and a bad example to try? Am I over-thinking the whole thing?
WILL’S HELP
After watching my stress level max out and my exercise regime disintegrate; after seeing the return of snack foods to the pantry and the take-out menus getting more wear-and-tear, Will told me, “After the holidays I am going to be more involved with your Weighting project and I am going to help more with the food. When you eat better, I eat better, we all eat better and I am feeling it. I want you to be healthy for a long time and I do too.” Something like that. Anyway, I was already going there in my mind too and we have very similar likes with food – Jade does too, so with some extra help it should be easier. Though Will is not going to be journaling what he eats, he is going to think more about portion size and what he eats and will be weighing with me. The really big change besides the type of food though, will be that he and I will be making each other accountable for regular aerobic activity. We both sit at desks all day. I am able to get myself into a routine usually because I have my mini-trampoline here, but with his long commute, it’s tough for him to squeeze in time for exercise, but we are going to make it happen.
WILL’S WEIGH-IN: 179.9
This morning I made eggs with veggies and veggie patty sausage. I used a couple of yolks and several egg whites. That mixed with onion, mushroom and green pepper made a very large, yet low calorie, breakfast. Besides being tasty it was good for us. And I felt good about it after I ate it too!
Am I discouraged that I’ve essentially only lost 6.7 lbs? Well, honestly – no. I was worried I would be BEFORE I stepped onto the scale, but with Will’s love and support and all of you who send me so much encouragement, I feel pretty good about the what I’ve done here on Weighting. I also feel like I’m getting a fresh start. Like a bulk of the stress, hurt and confusion is behind me. I want to be here for the people who want me to be here — I want to be here and be strong and sharp and capable. I also want to be happy. So, count your blessings Heather and pay attention to your health, it matters.
A fresh start in 2010 – the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess.
My second attempt at a video log. They are fairly simple to do, but could be even more simple with the right equipment and software.
It’s weird to watch myself on these little videos. I feel so apart from myself in various ways right now. Like I’d been shattered and scattered into a million little pieces and parts of me are watching while other parts of me are trying to reassemble. It’s somewhat surreal.
I also am dealing with an awful lot of anger and a deep sense of injustice and resentment. I don’t want to get off on that tangent because it’s already been eating me alive. I am just looking for ways to purge it because I don’t see any way resolution will come about. The best I can hope for is numbness and forced ignorance. I know that sounds a bit gloomy, but it’s all I can muster for you right now.
I’ve been pretty down on myself lately. Feeling useless, ugly – even disgusting at times. It’s the kind of thing that breaks my heart when I see it in other girls. It’s the feelings that I try so hard to help relieve in others with my Body Politics. In feeling like that I then feel like a failure for not living up to what I am trying to inspire in others.
Last night a sweet soul said he needed to remind me that plenty of people think I’m smart, funny, creative and beautiful – see me as a role model and a kind spirit. I almost cried (good tears) to hear it. When I am hurting like that I forget that not everybody sees me in a negative way.
I won’t deny my brain is boiling with vengeance. The things I want to just blurt out and scream from the rooftops – they might make me feel better for a little while, but it would be a hollow and temporary victory.
Right now I am “You Ought to Know” Alanis and I’d like to work my way towards, “You Owe Me Nothing” Alanis. Its an ideal anyway.
I’m posting my catch-up blogs into a few different entries so that they are in more digestable chunks, hopefully.
Here are photos from the past three weigh-ins. I didn’t include 10/30 because I’d been ill with an intestinal virus for 2 days and weighed in at 239, which I knew was due to my illness. So, I weighed in on Monday after I got over being sick and will weigh-in on Mondays from now on.
Yes, 243 – the cookies and coffee caught up with me.
Monday’s Weight: 240.5
Previous Weigh-In: 243
October 9th Weight (the last time I was actually journaling and counting calories): 241 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
Loss since last weigh-in: 3lbs
Loss since I was last really following the calorie limits: .5lb
Total Weight Loss: 19.2lbs
It seems as though getting sick helped me lose, but the real issue is how I feel about it – I’m still working on that.
****
Yesterday’s Food Journal
egg & English muffin w Smart Balance – 70, 120, 40
3/4 of banana – 95
grapes – 85
3 oz oj – 42
coffee w milk and sugar – 75
whole wheat turkey sandwich w mustard – 220, 70
5oz vanilla soy milk – 70
banana – 105
2/3 plum – 20
sm bowl Mexican yellow rice tbsp of beans w some cheese and lettuce – 325
1/2 root beer – 78
TOTAL: 1415
I have a book that helps me figure out the calorie totals but there are also a couple of handy websites that will give you the calories for almost any food.
***
Here are some random photos from the last few weeks.
Tracy veggie soup I ate today with a little bread loaf Will brought me last night.
October was a bad month for my left thigh! That large lower one was from the bus trip to New York. The others were from various physical mishaps over a period of about a week. It was weird to see my pale leg so marked up!
The last vestiges of a huge bouquet Robert gave to me.
Robert looking trim and eating chicken fried steak.
My meal. I don’t look trim.
Loki helping Will hang lights in my studio.
“Mother-in-Laws Tongue” pasta courtesy of Tracy.
Robert’s nemisis – computer spaghetti.
I wanted to buy one so bad, but I knew that remember they tasted great isn’t the same thing as them tasting great.
Robert was licky that day.
Busted sun-glasses.
Jade doing her monologue. She was freaking adorable.
Hope and Jade eating sushi with me – both damned adorable.
Weird fire on the beltway – just little spots of fire all down the median for no apparent reason, for maybe a mile.
The homeade chicken noodle soup Will made for me to make my tummy all better.
Me feeling better and walking with Robin.
On my walk with Robin I cracked up at these neighbors.
WHEW!!! That was a LOT to catch up on. I’ve noticed that when the crisis started back in May, that I suddenly stopped carrying my camera everywhere. I used to carry it with me always. But during that month and several that followed, so many things that were part of me, just fell away. I could barely function each day, I guess it was too much to think about snapping photos all the time.
I hope some healing happens, I want a normal life again.
I have tracked only a couple days since my last weigh-in on September 25th. I started tracking my food in my journal again today.
I’ve had some very emotional months behind me. My brain just couldn’t be organized and structured enough to deal with being a wife and mother AND do this project too. I am very much in a depression right now. I give all of my energy first to my mothering and interpersonal relationships, which hasn’t left much for my work.
Today is breezy and sunny and I am feeling calmer. I have been cleaning the house and and trying to lean on friends when I need to. Fortunatly people have called and checked on me in some of my darkest hours.
I opted to weigh myself this morning. If I had gained several pounds I think I might have not told you. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like I would have not wanted to share that and then I would have really been good all week and hoped for a better outcome. It bothers me that I had that thought and that I am not totally sure that I would have just said, “Hey, this is what happened and this is where I am…” I want to just be open and honest here, but the reality is that I still feel some level of shame associated with my weight measurment. Why is that? Right now I think perhaps it has to do with piling what feels like one failure on top of another. I should be able to shoulder failure with a bit more grace by my age, but I’m just not there yet I guess.
Today’s Weight: 241
SEPT 25th: 242 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
LOSS– 1 lbs.
Total Loss: 18.7 lbs.
Anyway, considering I didn’t do much exercise, due to hurting my back on my anniversary and the extreme crushing depression that came that same weekend, I am shocked I lost weight. Robert insisted on a walk with me one day and I did bounce a few days on the trampoline. I miss my sassy self. I would say stuff like, “I put the tramp in trampoline.” Where did she go? Anyway, I’m sort of amazed that I didn’t actually gain weight, let alone losing it. I did watch my portions and I confess, some days I didn’t eat very much. Though other days I had a bad thing or two, like an Annie’s pretzel or a cinnamon roll. Over a period of a couple of weeks it wasn’t much, but when you stop eating that stuff it feels kind of like a big deal when you eat it.
I have had to re-evaluate some of the things I want from my personal relationships. One in particular. I have tried to decide what direction I want to go in and not only for my sake but for that of others. When I look around myself I have to ask, “What makes me happy?” And decide, “Does this really make me happy or am I just holding on to something else?” Why do we do the things we do? What is the purpose? Why do we want things from others and how can we ever get to a place of no expectation? I don’t think I can ever get to a place of no expectation. I gave up some things in the bargain and was promised certain assurances, comforts that I still expect. That I have earned. At least we are in agreement on that.
So what do we do when we are walking a path that forks? Do we choose the direction or let the conditions force us in a direction?
Right now, I have a direction, I just don’t know how much of the path I will force and how much of it I will simply try to see the beauty in. I could try and pay attention along the way to the flowers and the brook and the sunbeams. Sometimes that’s tough though when you are fighting off black widow spiders and trolls trying to leap out and stab you. If the spiders and trolls would just chill, maybe I could see the beauty of the path. Maybe I could find the good in it. But that’s hard to do when you are busy fending off attacks. For now, things are a bit calmer and I am trying to figure out if the trolls and spiders are sleeping or if they are going to come running at me at any moment. With a calmer path, with a more steady light and no dangers lurking around every little leaf and branch, it will be easy to breathe and think. It will be easier to trust and heal. I have no idea when the next predator will come out. When the next spider will slink onto the path. For now, I hope they just sit still while I ruminate and process.
There are many beauties in the world. I haven’t seen much of that lately. I would love to be able to see it everywhere, like I used to. I feel like, along with other things, it had been stolen from me. Now I’m reclaiming it. Now I will find a brighter side whenever I can.
I’ve hit the four month mark. A third of the way through this project. I am feeling like there is endless material to write about on this project and I may not stop at one year. I guess we’ll see when we get there together, friend.
Today’s Weigh In
Today’s Weight: 242
Last week: 243.1 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
LOSS– 1.1 lbs.
Total Loss: 17.7 lbs.
***
Doesn’t 17.7 sound low for four months of calorie restriction? It’s no wonder I would be driven mad in the old days when dropping numbers on the scale was of utmost importance to me. It’s no wonder I felt like such a failure most of the time. I think it’s pretty clear by this result that calorie reduction and minimal exercise alone are not enough to make a scale budge. That seems to be the reality of my situation anyway. I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself and I wish I had known more about communication. I think some of what I went through then was simply only having half the story of what was important in my life.
In any case, I am definitely LOOKING slimmer. Maybe I should have some updated photos of myself done this weekend to show the visible difference in how I am looking. That might help better illustrate the changes that I have experienced physically.
I am still reading Gillian’s book. I am thinking I won’t be able to tolerate such a drastic detox for so long, but maybe a shorter one and a little less intense. I’m not good at “regimented” but maybe I should view it as a challenge. Will says that the way to get me to have the courage to do something is to tell me I can’t do it. Uh huh.
Like I said in my earlier post, I will be eating more veggies and less carbs and meat this week and see if it has an effect.
I started off with turkey this morning – cold turkey from last night that I didn’t get to eat because it took forever to cook! And I had a little cobbler. The nice thing about the cobbler is that it’s mostly apples and whole grains (mostly oats!) and I don’t feel guilty eating it. It’s smarter to eat it at the earlier part of the day and definitely NOT eat it late because it has sugar.
I am lowish on veggies and fruits so I will be going by the store today and the farmer’s market tomorrow, after I figure out my menu for the week, which is something I don’t normally do.
My friend Rachel sent me this great article about quinoa – you should read it. I’m going to try the porridge out this week. I also am going to make the stuffed red peppers. I think we’ll be having falafels and hummus this week too. I’ll keep ya posted!
“Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth” ~William Shakespeare
***
And the course of self-discovery has never run smooth either. At least not in my experience, it hasn’t.
Control takes many forms. It can be blatant. It can be passive. You might even do controlling things without realizing it. Or if you can see your controls and figure out why you need them, you know – cause and effect, maybe you can understand yourself a bit better. Maybe, for me, understanding myself is one of my methods of feeling in control. It certainly seems to be at the root of it.
Today, I gained some weight. I know why: stress, not journaling my food, my back making me unable to exercise all but once this past week.
Today, I looked at the scale and scoffed. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing. Not sure yet. I guess it will be determined by how in control I manage to stay. Or at least my perspective on it. And let’s try and keep pride out of it (good luck). As Natalie Wood cried out in Splendor in the Grass : “Pride? I haven’t any pride!”
Today’s Weight: 243.1
Last week: 241
Last Friday: 244.9 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
GAIN – 2.1 lbs.
Total Loss: 16.6 lbs.
Here is how I am feeling:
honestly, not phased by the weigh-in because I feel determined (dunno if that’s good yet)
competitive
needing control
pensive
on the edge of confident (well, working at finding it anyway)
The most unhealthy of those things is probably the competitive feelings. But, if I acknowledge those feelings and maintain an awareness of how dangerous they can be, then does that diminish how bad they can be for me?
I feel like I’ve already found some balance. Some middle ground that I never had before. In the past I could not have taken apart these puzzling pieces and held them up to examination as closely as I do now. The only behavior I understood back then was, “I want everybody, especially my husband, to think I’m gorgeous.”
We all know that’s a lose-lose, right? I mean, no matter what you look like *somebody* is going to NOT think you are gorgeous. Yes?
One of the tricks I used to use to feel beautiful, was to find beauty. Particularly beauty in other women. Today, I am determined to find beauty and see it wherever I am able. Hopefully it will be a salve for my cut, bruised and battered self-esteem.
My folks came today to pick up my oldest daughter and her little dog too. They are taking her and her fifteen boxes of stuff down to Virginia Beach to stay with them. She is getting over a very big heartache, but seems to be coping. Though it has been hard for her to see me upset, she had lots of heart and spirit advice for her old mom.
My parents spent a little time with Jade, who was asleep on the couch where she and her sister passed out watching movies all night. They looked so adorable you could hardly tell what brats they are My dad kept making jokes about Bear’s new haircut. He felt it had that “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” look.
My mother commented several times on my figure. “You must be exercising or something.” “You look like you’ve lost weight.”
Bear was not going to take his eyes off of his mommy for anything once he saw the truck being loaded up. He’s no dummy. He was going this time and that was all he had to say about that!
Below are some photos from this past week. The quality is low because they were taken with my celly.
This is a small calendar/planner I saw at Borders. It was full of mini-biographies of awesome women.
I wish I had my regular camera with me, this drink was so pretty. I drank 3/4 of it. It seemed to be mostly fruit, which was fine by me.
This is my dinner from daggone Red Lobster. Robert and I were supposed to go to a nicer place, but my back went out and this was very close to home. We couldn’t have spent more at the “nicer” place though. OY! I ate half of this meal, boxed the rest up and ate the rest for lunch the next day. I never would have done that in the past. One thing I have noticed since my calorie restrictions is that I am eating more beef than I have in many years.
The only exercise I had all week.
Not really exercise shoes.
If your in the shower, it’s harder to tell you’re crying. Right?
I’m such an “emo” chick, ain’t I? I just need those bangs that cover your eyes.
Sometimes I feel like making a documentary of my life so I don’t forget any of the pain, the lessons and the history of where I have come from. Yesterday while sitting on the bed, my soul bleeding out of me and Robert weighing down the other end of the bed, eyes downcast I wish I could have taken a photo to put in my journal. The tear-streaked face, the sullen body language, the distance and closeness of private worlds colliding and pieces flying off in all directions.
Some things are sacred and when people walk all over the sacred it makes you wonder what part of your soul is safe.
I am starting to feel like I belong to nothing and nothing belongs to me. I always felt like love could overcome so many obstacles. Whether or not my faith in love survives will depend on the next few days I think.
Yesterday’s food journal:
September 10, 2009
Day 105
Fruit/yogurt smoothie – 250
2 eggs, English muffin, light SB – 150, 120, 20
OJ 5oz – 65
handful of almonds and seeds – 125
1/2 peach (it was yucky – I *tried* to eat it all) – 20
plum – 35
pear – 95
1/2 WaWa whole wheat veggie shorti -120
TOTAL: 1000
Weigh-In
Today’s Weight: 241 (stepped on it twice just to make sure)
Last Friday: 244.9 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
LOSS: 3.9 lbs.
Total Loss: 18.7 lbs.
Measurements
Today: 42.75″
July 31st: 43.25″
July 13th – Waist: 44.25″
May 29th 2009 – 44.5″
Net Loss: 1.75″
Not much really. This seems so very slow, doesn’t it? It’s been 105 days and I feel like I’ve “only” lost 1.75″ from my waist. It’s a little depressing. I will be happy when I get down in the 30s for waist size – not too far off from that. Maybe that’s what I should think about. I’ve been hearing anything over 35″ for a woman puts you at higher risk for heart problems. I’d love to read more research on that.
***
Today: 53.50
July 31st: 54″
July 13th – Hips: 55.50″
May 29th 2009 – 57″
Net Loss: 3.5″
Lost about the same amount in the hips as in the waist since my last measure. It seems like a long slow process. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but at least I am seeing some progress. That’s good, right?
My dad kept making jokes about Bear’s new haircut. He felt it had that “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” look.
