The Amazing Star-Spangled Cosmic Goddess – that’s my new moniker.  Like it?  Will gave it to me.  I bragged about it on Facebook.  I love it.  It creates lots of lovely visuals for me.  I hope if I keep writing it and saying it, it will become a part of who I am.

This is my new video entry.  I had notes with me this time – you can tell in spots I am looking at my notes and reading.  Do you hate this or is it better?  Anyway, I to try and stay on topic, but even so it ended up being my longest vlog yet.  I will try to cut down on the time in the future and see how that goes.

“For in much wisdom is much grief; and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.”
- Ecclesiastes 1:18

I have been going through all SORTS of growing.  This has made me contemplate a million little questions.  Some I found answers to, others I think are questions that we humans have been asking since the dawn of man and still have yet to feel satisfied with the answers.

Why do we hug?  What can a hug do?  It’s just a hug.  It can’t end world hunger.  It can’t stop an earthquake.  But we hug, because for some reason hugging matters to us.

I need to connect to people.  And once I’m connected, it’s difficult for me when threads are yanked or pulled out of me.  Every now and then some fluffing is left lying about.

I have, for some time, held the theory that at the base of us all, when you boil us down into our basic needs that one of our needs is to just feel like we matter.  Feeling like you matter can make so many things possible.  It can give you strength to do things you might not have thought yourself capable of doing.  It can build your heart and spirit up.  Even if we don’t want to need anything from anybody else, I think that is a very difficult thing to do.  To never need acceptance and caring from ANYBODY?  I don’t think that for most humans, that is possible.

Sometimes it feels a bit like a weakness to me.  The desire to matter is an Achilles heel at times.

When we get angry or are hurt, I think that comes from feeling like you don’t matter.  At least for me it does. In some cases it hurts even when we know we do matter.  When somebody who’s opinion and feelings we hold in high regard suddenly holds you in lower regard, ouch.  That really hurts.  You feel like you matter less.   You may still matter, but you seem to matter less than you once did.  That can stir up all sorts of feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

I know some people work hard to only find their strength within themselves.  To make sure that only their opinion of themselves matter.  I just don’t think that is ever possible for me.  It’s too hard because my connections matter too much.  I don’t care what a majority of the world thinks or feels about me.  I do, however, care what my interpersonal relationships are like and how they play out.

When jealousy rears its ugly head, what do you do?  What of anger as well?  Do you wallow in it?  Become vengeful?

When you have deeply intimate knowledge of a person and vengeance in your heart, you can do serious damage.  But will that solve anything and will you be proud of what you’ve done when you finally do heal?

There are shallow victories in being bitter and vengeful.  But when you are hurting, sometimes it’s like when a person is drowning – just grabbing on to anything they can to stay afloat.  You can come away from it I think.  But you might never find closure.  That’s tough.  I feel very sorry for people who do not get closure because it is such a salve for wounds, old and new.

I just try to be open and also ask for what I need.  Sometimes cry out for it.  If somebody won’t give it to you…what can you do?  I guess you have to get to a place where you don’t need it.  Or them.  I think that only really happens when people just don’t care.  When there is an overwhelming amount of selfishness.  I guess the only thing you can do is give because if you give something, can it really be taken from you?

What do you think?

WEIGHTING

I have not been keeping track of food.  I have not felt well.  I’m sure I’ve gained back at least 6 or 7lbs.  My soul has been in a million bloody pieces all over the place.  In the past seven months I have had many emotionally traumatic moments that have consumed me.  In that time I found some solace in this project.  It gave me a sense of purpose and self-control.  At some point, when a major decision was made in my life, I suddenly stopped caring about it in stretches.  Other moments I woke up and felt determined to get back onto the “right track” – but what is that?  Losing weight?  Eating healthfully?  Feeling in control?  What is it that I was doing that felt good and bad about this project?

The good things about counting my calories and staying accountable for my exercise:

I feel more in control.
I feel more energetic.
I think more about what I’m putting in my mouth and whether or not it is healthful.

The bad things about it:

I get overwhelmed trying to be perfect.
I get frustrated trying to count everything I do all day long.

At some point the sense of control I have when I count calories and stay accountable about my exercise, I feel controlled rather than in control.  It’s too much.  Too regimented.  I don’t like that and more importantly I can’t make it work forever and I need a forever solution.

Some of the aspects of this project make it easy to get back on track when I fall off.  Weighing weekly was something I used to loathe and love when I was in Weight Watchers.  Depending on what the scale said.  The thing I like about it here, if I can actually even “like” the scale, is that it gives me a fresh start each week – if I so choose to look at it that way.  When I feel I have somehow let myself down during the week I feel like I get a re-set every week and allow myself to do better next time.

I think this is what I need to do.  I need to weigh myself tomorrow morning – going back to Friday weigh-ins because for some reason I hated Monday weigh-ins, though I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t know!   I need to stop trying to be so perfect about every bite I put into my mouth.  I feel like a failure when I eat a fry or a Lean Cuisine and I need to just LET THAT GO!

Also, I think going back to my daily couple squares of chocolate was a good idea.  I did it the first couple months and it worked great.  I think I will go back to that.

I will do the 1800 and slowly get back to exercising.  I keep feeling like I’ve screwed up so bad, that there is no way I can exercise at the level I was at before.  But HELLO – I don’t have to right away – I can just start by bouncing in the morning or at night then build up from there.  Why do I invent roadblocks?  I DO NOT KNOW!

And the other thing I need to remember is that this is for my HEALTH!  I need to do this to keep my numbers healthy.  My body working.  My spirit will follow.

On another positive note – Will and Robert have really been working hard to get my studio into shape.  Here they are putting up fence and a door and cutting glass etc.