The two weeks I wasn’t journaling I was still careful, save two Annie’s cinnamon pretzels, three pieces of white sauce pizza (not in one day) and one cinnamon roll (about 4″ diameter, medium sized) over that period of time. I didn’t look at labels. I didn’t read ingredients. So unlike me! It was the only food I felt like I probably shouldn’t be eating during that time both because they had refined white sugar and because I was pretty sure there was some trans fat in there. I started keeping track of my food again, but you know what has happened? I have found myself for the last two days eating cookies and candy. Well, I ate candy Saturday night – Jelly Belly sours, about four handfuls. Then I followed it with five chocolate chip cookies which I ate over a period of about four hours. Three I ate right away then had two more spread out over the evening.
The Jelly Bellys actually came about as a crime of opportunity. Jade had a craving for sour gummy worms, which they didn’t have at Shopper’s Food, which is the store I happened to be at. I actually have to spread my shopping between about six grocery stores to get everything I like to have such as Silk yogurt and Fage 0% and wild salmon and pumpkin seeds. It’s daunting to have to make such a huge chore of groceries. Anyway, I don’t see gummy sours so I buy the only other sour candy there, sour Jelly Belly jelly beans. I get home and she doesn’t want them, only gummy worms will do. I love sour candy, especially sour Jelly Bellys so I decided to have a handful. Then another. Then another. Every time I walked into the kitchen I had one. I should have eaten dinner first and not dipped into the Jelly Belly beans on an empty stomach. I could see myself having this happen on a regular old day and it have little to do with any emotional eating or binging and such. It was simple circumstance with the jelly beans. However, the cookies are more complicated to explain. They seem to be emotionally rooted. I don’t fully understand my binges and eating behaviors, but I have some thinks about it. Maybe you can relate to some of them.
I have been wanting a warm chocolate chip cookie for about two or three weeks. Probably the first cool day we had. Something about cooler weather makes me want warm chocolate chip cookies. Knowing how much I love them and how hard it is just to eat one, I decided not to buy cookie dough. Several days passed and I still wanted one. I looked around Safeway for dough that didn’t have partially hydrogenated oil in it. Found nothing of the sort and convinced myself not to buy any. Another week went by and I still wanted warm chocolate chip cookies. I kept telling myself I just wanted one. Maybe that would have been true if I’d given in to the craving quicker. I looked around Food Lion when I was out shopping for eggs and yogurt and they had some dough that looked promising, something by Pillsbury called “Simply” with “simple” ingredients. On their website under the Simply section they have this:
The wholesome ingredients
We use the same ingredients you use! Some of the wholesome ingredients in simply…™ cookies include:
* wheat flour
* brown sugar
* water
* eggs
* baking powder
* salt
* pure vanilla extract
* all natural semisweet chocolate chips
* peanut butter
* sugar
* skim milk
Notice that the product they use for the fat in the cookie is not noted in this “wholesome” little list. They use vegetable shortening. Through some miracle of label lying and loopholes provided by the FDA, they somehow manage to not put the “per serving” next to the “0 trans fats” label. Something I ALWAYS look for. I didn’t see the “per serving” so I assumed there were truly 0 trans fats, but I always check the label to see what fat is being used. I didn’t buy the dough.
A few days later I was at Shoppers Food and found these packages of cookies, which I can’t recall the name of right now because I’d never seen them before - Gourmet Circle or something like that, with no trans fats, though not butter which is what I was hoping for – and I thought they were boxes of cookie mix. I got them home, opened it up and it was already baked cookies. I even heated them up in the microwave a bit so they would be a little warm, but they were still crispy and the only thing warm was the chips, which were melty, so my one or two satisfying warm cookies turned into five disappointing calorie destroyers. I’d eat another, then another expecting to feel satisfied, but I had to admit by cookie number five, it wasn’t going to happen.
Yesterday I was at BJs club. I kept thinking, “You’ve had too many cookies already…” but still I wanted my warm chewy cookie. So, I did what I should have done a few days into my warm cookie craving; I bought a box of 600lb. Gorillas cookie dough. After dinner I made 9 cookies, of which I ate five. Will had a couple, but I did manage to leave two on the cookie sheet. I wanted to keep eating, but I just couldn’t justify it. I was full. I was concerned about my glucose shooting up that late at night. And I just didn’t want to have a full-on binge. Plus I kept wondering if I would have the nerve to explain my behavior here on the Weighting blog and I wanted to think about binges and what they are and what my craving might mean.
What is a binge eating really? Does it vary person to person or is there some universal definition of a binge? It seems that the only real definition is that it is eating in excess. My personal definition I think goes a bit further – for me it’s eating beyond being full and while I am eating and in a binge I feel like I am filling something besides my stomach. I feel like I am shoveling the food into a hole inside of me, emotionally. And it isn’t just how much I eat, but the way I eat it. It’s more shark-like. Mindless cramming of food, quickly and just filling all of my senses with the food. The feel of it, in my hands and squishing around in my mouth, the sensation of it going down inside of me and filling me up and all along the scents of sweet, vanilla, dough, sugar, cheese and candied smelling fruit flavors all overwhelm me, so in that moment it is simple sensory pleasure. When you are eating, filling, feeling and your body is all working towards processing it and taking it in, that doesn’t leave time to think about how hurt you are. How sad you are. How many responsibilities await you. It just feels good. But then it is followed by seeing the empty packages. And then the image you can’t erase in your head of yourself, mindlessly cramming food into your fat mouth and how disgusting that sight must be and how humiliated you’d be if anybody saw it. You realize you have just made your situation worse, but didn’t feel like you could help it. It may be your only escape sometimes. Then, you either exercise your ass off, starve yourself for a week or purge. Depending on what I felt like any given day, depended on which of those I chose. And I didn’t even know anything was wrong with me. Every woman I knew was on and off of diets. I’d seen pills, plans and programs to lose weight pushed in every media form and in the doctor’s office. I had no idea I had an eating disorder, I just knew I was hurting and was a mess of impulse and regret.
I talked to Will about my wanting the cookies for so long. And about trying not to eat them and wondering if I was on the fringe of a binge. He said, “You’ve had a very rough six months and I think you just want a treat.” And that made such simple sense to me. And then, depriving myself of that simple pleasure of a warm cookie over the period of weeks, made the craving worse and worse I think. Today, I don’t want a cookie. I don’t need a cookie. At least right now I don’t. At the moment I feel like I got my cookies. But I think it was more than just wanting a treat. I think it was linked to memory, a sense of comfort and safety. I am such an integrated person that I think many parts of me touch other parts. You know, they’re all woven together and stuff.
Then, later last night after eating pasta and cookies, I felt a little weird physically. I reminded myself that my change in eating had much more to do with health than anything else. When you have had an eating disorder, maybe it’s harder to focus on that fact all of the time. What do you think? I really need to remember in those moments that I need to treasure my body and my health. I need to stay physical and eat plenty of vitamins and minerals. And more than that, I do need to do things that make me happy. Eating healthy on a regular basis is a great and very important thing. But being happy is too. And sometimes, having warm chocolate chip cookies, they make me happy. Having joy from various sources, cookies, sex, wine, art, movies, music and such – they all add to the balance in your life of happiness. Being happy helps you be healthy.
I have been reluctant to write down what I actually ate and even more reluctant to add up the calories. But, it is what it is, right? And this is all a process. I will tally it all up later, I have lots of other things to get to today. Just writing this blog and telling you what happened makes me feel better. Less like a failure, because I did tell you. Because it is a process.
Now what though? I have a huge box of frozen cookie dough in the freezer. Normally I keep stuff like that out of the house so I’m not tempted or fall into old habits. What if I want another cookie at some point? Should I just have a couple? Should I bake them all and give them away? What would you do?
I’m not quite as depressed as I was just a few days ago, but it comes in waves. Often, it is also related to outside sources and how I am being treated, so if something happens there can be a very sudden change in mood, stress and sadness.
I guess we’ll all find out what happens, as I will keep telling you what I do, even if I feel embarrassed or like a failure. It’s important to keep it honest and I think it’s even important to keep track of when I feel like not being honest. It tells me something about the behavior and whether or not I can be proud of it. But what I am proud of has changed over time. So, hopefully the same will be true of my relationship with food.
