So much has happened since last May when I started this project.  I can hardly believe that nearly a year has gone by.   I had initially set out to continue this project for one year, but I am thinking it is going to take longer than that to figure out the “balance” that I so desperately want.

I have been through some emotional traumas, as outlined in previous blog entries.  I want you to understand that I did let the things going on with me emotionally affect my eating habits.

My heart was broken.  Still is sometimes.  Well, more like it broke and it got glued back part way and a few pieces are missing.  Like that.  And during the heartbreak, my body was my enemy.  My fat body.  I felt like I was not the full sexy potential of MY GODDESSYNESS because I am fat.  Then I had to look at that.  It’s so far from where I once was.  And, hell, I’m not such a bad lookin’ dame.  Right?….um, right?

Then I can get into a dozen other conversations with myself about, “why does how I look matter” and “am I not more than my body” and so forth.  The truth is, I care about how I look.  I care about how I smell.  I care about how I FEEL!  How I feel FIRST AND FOREMOST.  And when I feel good, I look my best.  And that is what it’s all about, being our own personal best.

I feel like too much time has passed since I was last seriously tracking food and measuring that the only thing I can do is start over.  In a way, I started over each week before.  That was one aspect I liked about weighing weekly.  It was a marker.  A point of marking of the past week and starting out the new week, which made the whole thing more digestible, since it was in smaller pieces than all the weeks ahead of me.

I have tried and tried to “re-start” and have had some success in small stretches.  Mostly what I do these days is try to say no to stuff I know is really bad for me, unless I really really want it!  That method doesn’t really make me accountable for my lack of exercise and for what I put into my mouth.  But, hey, do I always need to be accountable?  I suppose not, if my health doesn’t matter to me.

If you stumbled in on Weighting for the first time you might think the blog is about dieting.  And you’d be right!  But I’m not just a chubby girl trying to lose weight.  I am trying to find out what affect dieting has on ME as a PERSON.  My self esteem!  My health! 

I guess some people think it’s a no-brainer – if you are fat you are not healthy.   But studies show that is not true. First of all, what is “fat”?  Who gets to determine what fat is?   And even if “they” do come up with a number for your height, will it apply to everybody evenly across the board?  DOES ANYTHING APPLY TO EVERBODY EVENLY ACROSS THE BOARD?  Of course not.

You will not come here and find thinspiration or the best way to have a 500 calorie day.  Nor will you find encouragement to eat whatever you want as long as you are happy with your body image. 

I am going to be 40 years old next month.  My weight is affecting my health.  I have a small amount fat in my organs.  That’s bad and I don’t want it to get worse.  I also have had a borderline glucose level and depleted vitamin D.  However, my blood pressure seems to be good and my cholesterol (total) is good, though I do need to work on adjusting the numbers in the breakdown.

Here is what I am doing on this blog – I am finding my balance.  MY healthy balance.  To feel energetic, have a normal glucose level, avoid the legacy of diabetes and high cholesterol in my family and not have an eating disorder or hide behind fat acceptance.  To be mindful of the rights of fat girls to be loved and appreciated, but not pretend that bacon double cheeseburgers are ok for my body and won’t impact me.  I have seen the difference in my lab numbers.  And yes, gasp, I even feel more comfortable with less belly! 

So, folks, here is what I am going to do. Because of your love and encouragement I never give up.  And even though I have started and re-started I don’t know how many times, I will re-start again. 

Things working against me in previous months were the holidays, several feet of snow, winter, darkness, a pinched nerve or something in my upper back that is requiring an MRI and made some of the fingers on my left hand numb, which makes it weird to type.  Winter may sound like a cop-out, but the cold weather makes me crave carbs and dairy – mac and cheese for instance.

However, due to my daughter’s severe sensitivity to gluten, I am going to try being gluten free for a few weeks to see how it makes me feel.

Anyway, I am going to kick start again, on Sunday, with some help from Will and I will also ask for some help from Jade. 

*Will – I would love to start fresh on Sunday.  This will give me time to get the grocery lists and meal plans in order.  To put the recipes together in a binder that Tracy, Rachel and Brandi have given to me and if we both weigh on Sundays, which might make us both feel more accountable. Also, if you ask me if I’m doing my exercise, I’m more likely to do it. What do you think? 

*Jade – do some walking with me?  Maybe some yoga?  Help me remember to take my vitamins, when I give you yours?  Maybe help me green my thumb up a bit by helping grow some basil, dill and rosemary in the yard?  You are sweet and thoughtful and I’m sure you will think of a dozen ways to help your momma.

My back is somewhat improved. I think it’s safe to start exercising again.  The snow will melt at some point and spring is coming, which really makes me think bicycling thoughts. 

I also have my very cool skates.  To be honest, I was too heartbroken to use them.  Maybe soon.

There are some big changes coming in my life next month.  I will be forty.  Robert is moving out of the house.  There will be new connections and strain on old ones.  But, I am determined that this is the year of The Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess and I will be healthy.  I will find balance.  I will do this not only for myself, but for the people I love and care about, and who love me too.

Remember Heather, love yourself, but also be firm with yourself and treat yourself at least as good as you would anybody that you love.

SUNDAY!

***

Will snapped some photos of my frolicking in the snow with nothing but a sheet.  I have some with full nudity, but I am pondering those.  Don’t get me wrong, there are two of them I love.  I just have to meditate on it a bit longer.  Will calls this series “SnoBaby” – which made me smile.

The excitement I had the day I took these photos – that is the way I want to feel about life.  Excited.  Interested.  Alive and curious.  Free.