This week I am trying something different – I am pretending I am allergic to dairy and gluten for one week. I have avoided it for two days so far, let’s see if I can make it through the week.
My oldest daughter is allergic to gluten and I have other relatives who are allergic as well. So, I figured it couldn’t hurt to just try one week, to see if it makes a difference in how I feel. In the past I have tried to go gluten free. But I think my mistake was not having a time limit on it. Or a final goal. Goals are important. Anyway, I am just trying out one week off of dairy and gluten to see how my body responds. If I am in a good groove by Friday and feel healthy, I may try an additional week.
Off of gluten and dairy I have noticed I am eating a lot more of the things that are good for me.
I’m recording my intake carefully, so I know just how I’m doing. Here is my journal for the past two days with calorie totals:
August 13, DAY 14 – Weighting for Me
The food at the fundraiser. I had to guess how much they put on the plate. The bbq was too delicious - sorry piggy. I didn't eat the beans.
Chicken: 1 very small thigh, 1 small drumstick, 2 wings (baked) – 253
1 sm apple – 55
Approx 1/2 cup pulled pork – 345
1/4c potato salad – 75
diet soda – 0
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
watermelon wedge – 55
2 ears of corn – 2x 45
mixed steamed veggies w 1tsp Smart Balance and garlic powder – about 1 1/2 cups – 125
5 sips of white wine – 35
TOTAL: 1193
August 14, Day 15
Billy made the eggs, I cut up the fruit. Teamwork!
1 egg – 70
1/2 banana – 50
1 lg peach- 65
Classic Cafe Salad from Panera, with apple instead of bread. Yummy, yummy bread.
Panera “Classic Cafe” salad- 170
1 sm. apple – 55
2 corn on the cob – 2×45
1 banana- 100
2 oz chicken breast – 50
2 oz turkey breast – 60
1.5 tsp mayo – 50
Edy’s juice fruit bar (frozen) – 70
1.5 tbsp of peanut butter – 150
tuna egg salad – 250
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
2 oz red wine – 50
Lg. wedge of watermelon – 100
3 prunes – 60
TOTAL: 1600
I have not been exercising nearly enough. I had tried walking once per week with my very sweet friend Christiana, but my heel would hurt for days afterwards. Since our trip to New York in April, I have suffered from hobbling foot pain in my right heel. Sometimes it’s fine and I can barely feel it. Other times, I can barely walk. The last walk we took has left it aggravated and I think I am going to have to swim and bike for a while and let my heel rest as much as possible. I am not looking forward to butt-pain from the bicycle seat, but at least that goes away after enough bike rides.
My beautiful friend and adventure girl, Christiana and me, during a walk.
I did swim for two hours last week in my friend Mary’s pool. Mary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. She has a very generous heart and she invited Jade and me over for breakfast and I blurted out a question about the pool. She said, “Sure, come on over and swim!’ We swam and I felt great. My left knee (arthritis) didn’t hurt and my right heel didn’t hurt and my herniated disc didn’t hurt – everything was great in the pool. I got lots of exercise without all of the pain afterwards! I made sure I mostly keep paddling and swimming and stayed in motion. It is hands down my most favorite exercise and I don’t even think of it as exercise. I think of it as play time.
Today my friend Angela is coming over and we are cooking her a belated birthday dinner. Jade is making her an apple pie in place of a birthday cake. Just like the one she made last week that I gorged on and made myself feel sick. SO! I am going to be prepared THIS TIME! I am going to make an apple crisp for myself. I am going to use oat flour instead of wheat, some brown sugar, some agave nectar, a healthy dose of cinnamon (which it turns out is very good for you), some walnuts (healthy fats!) and several apples. I will let you know how it turns out and if it is a half decent replacement for pie.
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
****
It’s been too long since I’ve participated in my Weighting project. Why? Well, it’s been a mixture of a few things and all of them are valid and none of them are reason enough to not take good care of myself.
THE END TO SOME THINGS…
AND THE BEGINNING TO OTHERS.
In May of last year one of my close personal relationships began to strain. Evidently the other half of the relationship was unhappy and had been feeling the strain of unhappiness in one form or another for a while. They kept it hidden from me out of love and loyalty, at first. Then one day a dam broke and a torrent of many years of hurts and resentments came crashing over me. A poorly executed attempt to make a big change resulted in me learning a multitude of past lies and betrayals and the blame of their unhappiness laying at my feet. At first, I was so wounded by the concept that there might be something wrong with ME as a person – with the way I look, the way I talk, my ideals, they all seemed under scrutiny and I thought, for this person, maybe I should try harder, maybe I should change some of it. This really put me in turmoil because it goes against so many of my beliefs about learning to accept yourself. Yet, somebody I loved was unhappy and they were telling me that I had something to do with that, so I saw it as my duty to figure out what I was doing that was so bothersome. Yet, there was no one large glaring thing, more like a thousand tiny things and most of them weren’t really the kind you fix, they were just the kind that made you a less compatible companion.
For months following, promises were made and broken over and over and over. At some point, no matter how important a relationship is to you, you have to decide it’s doing more damage than good and if so, what you should do about it. You need to grow up enough to let the relationship shift, for your sake. You need to find the strength to allow them to pursue whatever it is that they think will make them happy, even if it means you have to keep stepping further and further out of the picture. (See the Alanis Morissette video down the page a bit further). This is life. This is the journey and nobody gets out of it without hurts and bends in the path.
When I first started Weighting back in May, I couldn’t really talk about any of this, but it was heavy in my heart every day. In those months of May through September, I was feeling very competitive about my looks. I did want to drop a lot of weight and in moments wanted to lower my calorie intake to force the weight change faster. But the part of me inside that was still strong kept telling me that I needed to be happy with myself the way I am. That’s really hard to do when you feel like your appearance has caused a major negative change in your life. The stress of not knowing each day what hurt was waiting for me, not knowing what was going to happen, made me wake up early most mornings, shaking, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. That continued through September. And I stayed pretty steady in my Weighting project until then. Then in September the decision was made that we should find a different sort of relationship to have. To have something that kept the good parts of what we have and cut out the parts that were causing problems. In some ways this shift made me focus less on my appearance. I had been pretty hard on myself in the months previous and suddenly felt burdened by having such a tight control on my food. It made me cranky and resentful to have to account for everything I was putting in my mouth and doubly so to have to admit it to the world if I decided to eat two donuts. Overnight, faded the urgent need to change my appearance to something thinner. Which wasn’t even what I wanted with this project in the first place. That was why I had such a hard time deciding if I should even do this project at all. I was concerned with all of these dire outside pressurs that made me question my self-worth that the project would trigger my eating disorder and become all about being thinner, instead of all about the concept of dieting. But I realized something recently – all of this, it’s all part of the journey and part of the project and my desire to alter my appearance, is part of the findings of this experiment.
Onward.
I had trained myself pretty good since May and for a couple of weeks I felt very guilty about some of the things I was putting in my mouth – cookies, pie, fried chicken and so forth. I still ate some of the healthy things I would eat, but a lot less of them. For a while there I was eating plenty of fruits and veggies every single day. Then, after the guilt started to subside and my conditioning of the previous months faded, I pretty much became the person I was before May. I ate bowls of cereal that I didn’t measure out. I indulged in many holiday cookies and copious amounts of mashed potatoes. I had white rice without an ounce of concern. Then by the time the holidays were drawing to a close, I felt pudgy. I never stopped being pudgy in the first place, but I was starting to feel pudgy. I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothing again. What had been getting loose was working on being tight again. I saw the hint of my waistline that had begun to emerge, now submerge under a layer of pounds. I made a few anemic efforts to start back on the project in the first few weeks after I stopped journaling, but at some point, just gave up. But in the days leading up to and following Christmas I had to admit a few things:
My knees were hurting again.
My hair was looking a little rough.
My tummy around my rib area has had a return of some subtle lumps that had started to go away and are now back.
My heart flutters were back and they had been absent nearly the entire time from sometime in May until just a couple of weeks ago.
My energy is lower and I am getting very sleepy after eating. Even passing out early on the couch and having a hard time waking.
I have had more headaches in the past month, particularly the past two weeks, than I have had in all the previous months since May.
I feel crappy because I know my labs would probably suck right now if I took them, so there is an emotional impact.
I want to be around a long time for my daughters and for Will. I want to be healthy for the people who love me and I want to respect myself enough, not to “lose weight” but to eat healthy and exercise so I don’t have a stroke or heart disease or diabetes. I want to be good to myself.
I decided that the balance I had in Weighting during the first several months is what I need to think about. I was eating a small amount of chocolate most days of the month. I was having wine when I really wanted it, in small amounts. I just need to re-boot the whole concept and enjoy wine, chocolate and put plenty of healthy things in my mouth every day. I need to feel happy and indulge my sensual side, while not over-indulging more than rarely. For myself and for those who love me.
I will enjoy food. I will have treats. I am a sensualist and not having enjoyable food is like living without sex. Those things make me happier – sex, wine, chocolate, they add to my happiness and I will not give them up. I don’t feel I need to, if I just keep a nice balance.
I know some people who really had a horrible 2009. My suffering is nothing compared to that of some, but I did suffer and hurt. I feel my heart was disrespected and mutilated for months. Eventually, coming to an understanding helped put some of that on the mend. I will never be the same in my heart though – some for worse, some for better. Hopefully the joy will outweigh the pain. But more than anything, hopefully I will have grown enough to be less selfish and more giving. Hopefully I will come to a place of complete healing where I can be at peace with those who did not have my best interest at heart, in a fleeting moment or still today.
I have long loved the idea of this song, which I think my friend Jackie called to my attention a number of years ago:
And so my journey continues. My heart, scarred and scared, still beats. I am thankful for that.
My friend Tracy said this year is going to be better. 2010 is going to be the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddesses.
WEIGH IN
I find it facinating that doing the Weighting project for something like 6 months I lost almost 20lbs. Yet not focusing on exercise, calories and fat for about six weeks did an amazingly fast amount of “damage.” Why is it that we can put the weight on so much quicker and easier than it takes it to melt away? Actually, there is an article in a magazine somewhere I was readina all about the biology of weight fluctuations. I meant to post about it some time ago.
In any case, today’s weight is 253. My first weigh in, May 2009 was 259.7.
I got as low as 240.5. Nearly down into the 230s. I haven’t been there in probably 12 or 13 years. It would have been nice to get down. I was feeling more balanced in my appearance. Why does it even matter? I don’t know, it just does for some reason. I don’t hate myself because I am round. I just would prefer being a little less round. But more than that, I prefer feeling great. I prefer feeling healthy, strong and full of energy.
I’m not one of those fat girls who think they can’t dress sexy or ride a bike or go to the park with their kids or fly to Paris because she is fat. No fucking way. I can do all of those things, if I want to. I just think life would be a little easier if I was about 75lbs lighter. I only just now pulled that number out of the air. I don’t even know if 75 is necessary, but it sounds ok. And I don’t want to meditate on a number, I just want to eat healthy. But would it help to have a goal amount to try and lose? Or would it make me crazy? Is it anti-feminist? Is it anti-self-esteem and a bad example to try? Am I over-thinking the whole thing?
WILL’S HELP
After watching my stress level max out and my exercise regime disintegrate; after seeing the return of snack foods to the pantry and the take-out menus getting more wear-and-tear, Will told me, “After the holidays I am going to be more involved with your Weighting project and I am going to help more with the food. When you eat better, I eat better, we all eat better and I am feeling it. I want you to be healthy for a long time and I do too.” Something like that. Anyway, I was already going there in my mind too and we have very similar likes with food – Jade does too, so with some extra help it should be easier. Though Will is not going to be journaling what he eats, he is going to think more about portion size and what he eats and will be weighing with me. The really big change besides the type of food though, will be that he and I will be making each other accountable for regular aerobic activity. We both sit at desks all day. I am able to get myself into a routine usually because I have my mini-trampoline here, but with his long commute, it’s tough for him to squeeze in time for exercise, but we are going to make it happen.
WILL’S WEIGH-IN: 179.9
This morning I made eggs with veggies and veggie patty sausage. I used a couple of yolks and several egg whites. That mixed with onion, mushroom and green pepper made a very large, yet low calorie, breakfast. Besides being tasty it was good for us. And I felt good about it after I ate it too!
Am I discouraged that I’ve essentially only lost 6.7 lbs? Well, honestly – no. I was worried I would be BEFORE I stepped onto the scale, but with Will’s love and support and all of you who send me so much encouragement, I feel pretty good about the what I’ve done here on Weighting. I also feel like I’m getting a fresh start. Like a bulk of the stress, hurt and confusion is behind me. I want to be here for the people who want me to be here — I want to be here and be strong and sharp and capable. I also want to be happy. So, count your blessings Heather and pay attention to your health, it matters.
A fresh start in 2010 – the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess.
My second attempt at a video log. They are fairly simple to do, but could be even more simple with the right equipment and software.
It’s weird to watch myself on these little videos. I feel so apart from myself in various ways right now. Like I’d been shattered and scattered into a million little pieces and parts of me are watching while other parts of me are trying to reassemble. It’s somewhat surreal.
I also am dealing with an awful lot of anger and a deep sense of injustice and resentment. I don’t want to get off on that tangent because it’s already been eating me alive. I am just looking for ways to purge it because I don’t see any way resolution will come about. The best I can hope for is numbness and forced ignorance. I know that sounds a bit gloomy, but it’s all I can muster for you right now.
I’ve been pretty down on myself lately. Feeling useless, ugly – even disgusting at times. It’s the kind of thing that breaks my heart when I see it in other girls. It’s the feelings that I try so hard to help relieve in others with my Body Politics. In feeling like that I then feel like a failure for not living up to what I am trying to inspire in others.
Last night a sweet soul said he needed to remind me that plenty of people think I’m smart, funny, creative and beautiful – see me as a role model and a kind spirit. I almost cried (good tears) to hear it. When I am hurting like that I forget that not everybody sees me in a negative way.
I won’t deny my brain is boiling with vengeance. The things I want to just blurt out and scream from the rooftops – they might make me feel better for a little while, but it would be a hollow and temporary victory.
Right now I am “You Ought to Know” Alanis and I’d like to work my way towards, “You Owe Me Nothing” Alanis. Its an ideal anyway.
I’m posting my catch-up blogs into a few different entries so that they are in more digestable chunks, hopefully.
Here are photos from the past three weigh-ins. I didn’t include 10/30 because I’d been ill with an intestinal virus for 2 days and weighed in at 239, which I knew was due to my illness. So, I weighed in on Monday after I got over being sick and will weigh-in on Mondays from now on.
Yes, 243 – the cookies and coffee caught up with me.
Monday’s Weight: 240.5
Previous Weigh-In: 243
October 9th Weight (the last time I was actually journaling and counting calories): 241 Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
Loss since last weigh-in: 3lbs
Loss since I was last really following the calorie limits: .5lb
Total Weight Loss: 19.2lbs
It seems as though getting sick helped me lose, but the real issue is how I feel about it – I’m still working on that.
****
Yesterday’s Food Journal
egg & English muffin w Smart Balance – 70, 120, 40
3/4 of banana – 95
grapes – 85
3 oz oj – 42
coffee w milk and sugar – 75
whole wheat turkey sandwich w mustard – 220, 70
5oz vanilla soy milk – 70
banana – 105
2/3 plum – 20
sm bowl Mexican yellow rice tbsp of beans w some cheese and lettuce – 325
1/2 root beer – 78
TOTAL: 1415
I have a book that helps me figure out the calorie totals but there are also a couple of handy websites that will give you the calories for almost any food.
***
Here are some random photos from the last few weeks.
Tracy veggie soup I ate today with a little bread loaf Will brought me last night.
October was a bad month for my left thigh! That large lower one was from the bus trip to New York. The others were from various physical mishaps over a period of about a week. It was weird to see my pale leg so marked up!
The last vestiges of a huge bouquet Robert gave to me.
Robert looking trim and eating chicken fried steak.
My meal. I don’t look trim.
Loki helping Will hang lights in my studio.
“Mother-in-Laws Tongue” pasta courtesy of Tracy.
Robert’s nemisis – computer spaghetti.
I wanted to buy one so bad, but I knew that remember they tasted great isn’t the same thing as them tasting great.
Robert was licky that day.
Busted sun-glasses.
Jade doing her monologue. She was freaking adorable.
Hope and Jade eating sushi with me – both damned adorable.
Weird fire on the beltway – just little spots of fire all down the median for no apparent reason, for maybe a mile.
The homeade chicken noodle soup Will made for me to make my tummy all better.
Me feeling better and walking with Robin.
On my walk with Robin I cracked up at these neighbors.
WHEW!!! That was a LOT to catch up on. I’ve noticed that when the crisis started back in May, that I suddenly stopped carrying my camera everywhere. I used to carry it with me always. But during that month and several that followed, so many things that were part of me, just fell away. I could barely function each day, I guess it was too much to think about snapping photos all the time.
I hope some healing happens, I want a normal life again.
The two weeks I wasn’t journaling I was still careful, save two Annie’s cinnamon pretzels, three pieces of white sauce pizza (not in one day) and one cinnamon roll (about 4″ diameter, medium sized) over that period of time. I didn’t look at labels. I didn’t read ingredients. So unlike me! It was the only food I felt like I probably shouldn’t be eating during that time both because they had refined white sugar and because I was pretty sure there was some trans fat in there. I started keeping track of my food again, but you know what has happened? I have found myself for the last two days eating cookies and candy. Well, I ate candy Saturday night – Jelly Belly sours, about four handfuls. Then I followed it with five chocolate chip cookies which I ate over a period of about four hours. Three I ate right away then had two more spread out over the evening.
The Jelly Bellys actually came about as a crime of opportunity. Jade had a craving for sour gummy worms, which they didn’t have at Shopper’s Food, which is the store I happened to be at. I actually have to spread my shopping between about six grocery stores to get everything I like to have such as Silk yogurt and Fage 0% and wild salmon and pumpkin seeds. It’s daunting to have to make such a huge chore of groceries. Anyway, I don’t see gummy sours so I buy the only other sour candy there, sour Jelly Belly jelly beans. I get home and she doesn’t want them, only gummy worms will do. I love sour candy, especially sour Jelly Bellys so I decided to have a handful. Then another. Then another. Every time I walked into the kitchen I had one. I should have eaten dinner first and not dipped into the Jelly Belly beans on an empty stomach. I could see myself having this happen on a regular old day and it have little to do with any emotional eating or binging and such. It was simple circumstance with the jelly beans. However, the cookies are more complicated to explain. They seem to be emotionally rooted. I don’t fully understand my binges and eating behaviors, but I have some thinks about it. Maybe you can relate to some of them.
I have been wanting a warm chocolate chip cookie for about two or three weeks. Probably the first cool day we had. Something about cooler weather makes me want warm chocolate chip cookies. Knowing how much I love them and how hard it is just to eat one, I decided not to buy cookie dough. Several days passed and I still wanted one. I looked around Safeway for dough that didn’t have partially hydrogenated oil in it. Found nothing of the sort and convinced myself not to buy any. Another week went by and I still wanted warm chocolate chip cookies. I kept telling myself I just wanted one. Maybe that would have been true if I’d given in to the craving quicker. I looked around Food Lion when I was out shopping for eggs and yogurt and they had some dough that looked promising, something by Pillsbury called “Simply” with “simple” ingredients. On their website under the Simply section they have this:
The wholesome ingredients
We use the same ingredients you use! Some of the wholesome ingredients in simply…™ cookies include:
* wheat flour
* brown sugar
* water
* eggs
* baking powder
* salt
* pure vanilla extract
* all natural semisweet chocolate chips
* peanut butter
* sugar
* skim milk
Notice that the product they use for the fat in the cookie is not noted in this “wholesome” little list. They use vegetable shortening. Through some miracle of label lying and loopholes provided by the FDA, they somehow manage to not put the “per serving” next to the “0 trans fats” label. Something I ALWAYS look for. I didn’t see the “per serving” so I assumed there were truly 0 trans fats, but I always check the label to see what fat is being used. I didn’t buy the dough.
A few days later I was at Shoppers Food and found these packages of cookies, which I can’t recall the name of right now because I’d never seen them before - Gourmet Circle or something like that, with no trans fats, though not butter which is what I was hoping for – and I thought they were boxes of cookie mix. I got them home, opened it up and it was already baked cookies. I even heated them up in the microwave a bit so they would be a little warm, but they were still crispy and the only thing warm was the chips, which were melty, so my one or two satisfying warm cookies turned into five disappointing calorie destroyers. I’d eat another, then another expecting to feel satisfied, but I had to admit by cookie number five, it wasn’t going to happen.
Yesterday I was at BJs club. I kept thinking, “You’ve had too many cookies already…” but still I wanted my warm chewy cookie. So, I did what I should have done a few days into my warm cookie craving; I bought a box of 600lb. Gorillas cookie dough. After dinner I made 9 cookies, of which I ate five. Will had a couple, but I did manage to leave two on the cookie sheet. I wanted to keep eating, but I just couldn’t justify it. I was full. I was concerned about my glucose shooting up that late at night. And I just didn’t want to have a full-on binge. Plus I kept wondering if I would have the nerve to explain my behavior here on the Weighting blog and I wanted to think about binges and what they are and what my craving might mean.
What is a binge eating really? Does it vary person to person or is there some universal definition of a binge? It seems that the only real definition is that it is eating in excess. My personal definition I think goes a bit further – for me it’s eating beyond being full and while I am eating and in a binge I feel like I am filling something besides my stomach. I feel like I am shoveling the food into a hole inside of me, emotionally. And it isn’t just how much I eat, but the way I eat it. It’s more shark-like. Mindless cramming of food, quickly and just filling all of my senses with the food. The feel of it, in my hands and squishing around in my mouth, the sensation of it going down inside of me and filling me up and all along the scents of sweet, vanilla, dough, sugar, cheese and candied smelling fruit flavors all overwhelm me, so in that moment it is simple sensory pleasure. When you are eating, filling, feeling and your body is all working towards processing it and taking it in, that doesn’t leave time to think about how hurt you are. How sad you are. How many responsibilities await you. It just feels good. But then it is followed by seeing the empty packages. And then the image you can’t erase in your head of yourself, mindlessly cramming food into your fat mouth and how disgusting that sight must be and how humiliated you’d be if anybody saw it. You realize you have just made your situation worse, but didn’t feel like you could help it. It may be your only escape sometimes. Then, you either exercise your ass off, starve yourself for a week or purge. Depending on what I felt like any given day, depended on which of those I chose. And I didn’t even know anything was wrong with me. Every woman I knew was on and off of diets. I’d seen pills, plans and programs to lose weight pushed in every media form and in the doctor’s office. I had no idea I had an eating disorder, I just knew I was hurting and was a mess of impulse and regret.
I talked to Will about my wanting the cookies for so long. And about trying not to eat them and wondering if I was on the fringe of a binge. He said, “You’ve had a very rough six months and I think you just want a treat.” And that made such simple sense to me. And then, depriving myself of that simple pleasure of a warm cookie over the period of weeks, made the craving worse and worse I think. Today, I don’t want a cookie. I don’t need a cookie. At least right now I don’t. At the moment I feel like I got my cookies. But I think it was more than just wanting a treat. I think it was linked to memory, a sense of comfort and safety. I am such an integrated person that I think many parts of me touch other parts. You know, they’re all woven together and stuff.
Then, later last night after eating pasta and cookies, I felt a little weird physically. I reminded myself that my change in eating had much more to do with health than anything else. When you have had an eating disorder, maybe it’s harder to focus on that fact all of the time. What do you think? I really need to remember in those moments that I need to treasure my body and my health. I need to stay physical and eat plenty of vitamins and minerals. And more than that, I do need to do things that make me happy. Eating healthy on a regular basis is a great and very important thing. But being happy is too. And sometimes, having warm chocolate chip cookies, they make me happy. Having joy from various sources, cookies, sex, wine, art, movies, music and such – they all add to the balance in your life of happiness. Being happy helps you be healthy.
I have been reluctant to write down what I actually ate and even more reluctant to add up the calories. But, it is what it is, right? And this is all a process. I will tally it all up later, I have lots of other things to get to today. Just writing this blog and telling you what happened makes me feel better. Less like a failure, because I did tell you. Because it is a process.
Now what though? I have a huge box of frozen cookie dough in the freezer. Normally I keep stuff like that out of the house so I’m not tempted or fall into old habits. What if I want another cookie at some point? Should I just have a couple? Should I bake them all and give them away? What would you do?
I’m not quite as depressed as I was just a few days ago, but it comes in waves. Often, it is also related to outside sources and how I am being treated, so if something happens there can be a very sudden change in mood, stress and sadness.
I guess we’ll all find out what happens, as I will keep telling you what I do, even if I feel embarrassed or like a failure. It’s important to keep it honest and I think it’s even important to keep track of when I feel like not being honest. It tells me something about the behavior and whether or not I can be proud of it. But what I am proud of has changed over time. So, hopefully the same will be true of my relationship with food.
I added a link to the Hungry Girl website to my links above. It’s loaded down with helpful calorie-cutting tips that still leave you feeling satisfied, but I am reluctant because of the quality of some of the foods that are recommended are questionable in my mind. It seems the tone of the website would suggest that if it’s low in calories that it’s okay to consume it. I don’t agree with that philosophy and in fact I think it’s a pretty dangerous one.
Please view the ingrients of the Coffee Mate. Keep in mind what I’ve explained about “0 trans fat PER SERVING” thing that gets on my nerves so bad. As long as they make the serving size small enough they can claim there is no fat and no trans fat, that it’s “negligible.”
Click around to the different versions of the Coffee Mate and read the ingredients please. And pay attention to the versions that aren’t “non-fat” or are light and so forth – the serving sizes vary. For this product the serving size is 2 teaspoons.
Look – the first two ingredients, sugar and fat and not even a decent fat, the absolute worst kind of fat in the world for you: partially hydrogenated oil. Horrible.
Why not instead have a little light vanilla Silk in there?
Here are the ingredients in Light Vanilla Silk:
INGREDIENTS: All Natural Soymilk (Filtered Water, Soy Flour), All Natural Evaporated Cane Juice, Calcium Carbonate, Natural Vanilla Flavor, Sea Salt, Carrageenan, Vitamin A Palmitate, Vitamin D2, Riboflavin (B2), Vitamin B12
Or, if you have a store nearby that sells it, you could have Silk creamer, which is only 15 calories for a tablespoon (less calories than Fat Free Coffee Mate) and has the following ingredients:
I have cleared the schedule today to clean my house. To really give it a good scrub. To empty out the clutter and clear my space and mind for things to come. For web-stores to be built. For shipping stuff. For my fairy and boudoir photo studio. I am feeling renewed about my career and the possibilities. I had a nice talk with Cyn, who will be doing my new tattoo and adding some firey Phoenix wings or feathers to my current heart tattoo on my shoulder. I have not decided where I want the other tattoo to go, yet. Will keep ya posted. Anyway, she is also a photographer and she had a very encouraging way about her yesterday and it really inspired me. So today is about lists and plans and cleaning.
That said, I don’t have lots of time for pontification on this here blog today.
Other things keeping me busy this past week are child related. As in, driving miles and miles from here to there. Oh, and late Sunday night, “Mom, tomorrow is “Decade Day” at school to show school spirit. I don’t know what to do.” Later I found out there was something every day – Decade Day, Celebrity Day (she was sick and couldn’t go to school, but since whe had already done the costume, we did her up and took her photo) and then Senior Citizens Day, Super Hero/Villan Day. We couldn’t come up with a green dress for her to be Buttercup. We looked at two thrift stores and Target, got pooped out and gave up. I suggested a number of others, but she opted to wear a tee shirt that indicated her participation, without having to actually dress up. Anyway, it was challenging to come up with costumes at the very last minute every night, but I think we did pretty good. It doesn’t hurt that she has a mom who has a “costume closet.”
Here are photos of the costumes we came up with each night before the next day.
This was for “Decade Day” – we had this retro 40s dress that used to be my sisters. The make-up, hair and accessories finish the look and help date it.
Jade as Audrey Hepburn. She spent most of this day on the couch, not feeling very well.
Her old lady outfit. She decided her name was “Marcy” for the day. Actors! Haha!
So – here are my food journal entries for the last couple of days. Tomorrow is weigh-in already! Sheesh!
I also want to record that I have bounced on the trampoline the last couple of days. In fact I got up at 5:30 this morning and bounced while folks were getting ready for work and school. It’s a good energy boost to start the day with.
Food Journal Day 117
grapes (40) – 75
plum- 35
1 egg + 3 egg whites omelet w <0.5oz of goat cheese, 1.5oz of smoked salmon and veggies – 265
decaf coffee w light vanilla soy milk and honey – 87 (on chilly mornings I am more apt to drink coffee for some reason!)
7 squares of dark Swiss chocolate – 72
12 almonds & 1 tsp peanut butter – 150
6oz salmon – 365
salad w dressing (light raspberry walnut) – 85 and 15 (for the veggies – spinach and tomatoes)
homeade, low fat, low sugar, whole grain peach cobbler (made from fresh peaches) – 250 (was the best baked item I’ve ever made I think – YUM!)
TOTAL: 1399
I just remembered I had some beef jerky (Trader Joes organic) right before bouncing – 80
I was very busy and by the time I got home I was so hungry I felt a little dizzy. I heated up some of the Jambalaya Will and I made a few days back. There was enough to put in jars and save for quick meals. The jambalaya is made with brown rice and no fatty meats, only shrimp, so it’s very low in calories since the other ingredient is veggies and spices. I got home, tossed some in a bowl, heated it, crumbled tortilla chips (Trader Joes) on top and some shredded goat cheese.
I made Robert a gianormous sandwich, which he loves and put some chips on his plate – his favorite chips, which aren’t really my favorite, but I couldn’t resist plucking a few off of is plate, so I am going to count them – 40
bunny grahams – 160
almond butter – 150
8 oz light vanilla soy milk – 80
TOTAL: 1530
I waited a while, then I bounced for the last time for the evening.
Ok – off to do some serious house cleaning and burn calories in the process. I think I will have an omelet to fuel myself up.
This is how I started my morning – a strawberry, mango, blueberry, banana, light vanilla soy milk and honey smoothie. Oh and check out the tea in the background in the “tea shelf” that Mr. Handy Hardy made out of an Ikea cd holder. HAHA! We needed it because, well, I have a few boxes of tea.
Yesterday I spent the entire day at the Charles County Fair, painting the sticky faces of children most of that time. The face-painting was a fundraiser for a club my daughter is involved in. I have never enjoyed the fair much, but in recent years I have come to appreciate some things and I actually really loved painting the faces of the wee folks. There are few things as precious as getting a big giggle and “thank you” after turning a small child’s face into a cat or putting a rainbow on it.
Below I am sure I am waiting for my next cat. Far and away I did more cats than anything else.
The fair seems pretty much the same every year, but there are at least a couple hours worth of things to do. There are some aspects of rural life I find interesting, such as the prizes for things like eggs and the best jarred squirrel. Ok, that one made me a little ill, but I got to see a pumpkin Charlie Brown could have slept in. Also, there is often some good art in the art building done all by local people and school children. My daughter has won a few art awards over the years at the fair. And watching pig races can be entertaining in the right context. And even I can ride a huge ferris wheel loaded with rust and be pretty ok with it in the right setting.
I knew I would be there all day so I came prepared with some Trader Joes organic beef jerky (80 calories per ounce) and some fruit. I snacked on both of those late in the morning. I had planned on eating something at the fair for lunch, but didn’t know what it would be. One of the women working the painting booth with me went on about the cream of crab soup and how wonderful it is. I remembered that soup and they were out of it last year when I got to the fair. I decided to have whatever the smallest container of crab soup was. The booth said it was a 6oz container, but I can’t imagine it was more than 4.5 ounces. Though I suppose the styrofoam cup may have been deceptive. At any rate, it was NOT enough food. So I had a bite of the sausage my fella purchased. Hmmm…still not really enough. So I went ahead and had a chicken pita with lettuce, caramelized onions and tomatos. I wish I had thought to ask for no sauce, but I didn’t know it came with sauce on it. I didn’t even know there was sauce on it until a few bites in. I ate 3/4 of it and shared the rest with my guy. We also split a couple of lemonades – fresh squeezed. I brought seltzer water with me and that was what I had to drink most of the day. But, I love lemonade so I decided to “splurge” a little. It was sheer will power that kept me away from fries and caramel apples and cotton candy. I love all of those things. They also had this crazy chip/fry thing that looked like it was spiraled out of one potato, and I’ll bet it is great with ketchup. But, I wouldn’t know.
Many hours later, on the way home, hubby was asking about dinner. After guessing and giving him ideas about what he might like to eat, as we drove near a Kentucky Fried Chicken, he decided that was what he wanted. I would normally make a fuss about buying it because it’s just not the best food in the world for you, but I was tired and glad he finally figured out what he wanted and very happy I wouldn’t have to cook, so I said, “Ok, if that’s what you’re in the mood for.” He seemed surprised I didn’t kick up a fuss and before I could change my mind he turned around and picked up the food, which is his way of “making dinner.”
He said, “Well Jade, you can have biscuits and mashed potatoes for dinner.” (Since she doesn’t eat meat)
“That’s usually what I have when you make dinner, dad,” she replied.
He came back with, “Well, sometimes I make pizza. You love it when I make pizza!”
He opted for the grilled chicken, which is friendlier calorie-wise. When we got home I had a leg and a very small breast – it may have even been a half breast it was so small for a breast. I had two small dollops of mashed potatoes, a little gravy on them with two biscuits. I was carb craving I guess. I heated up some red beans and rice and some seasoned blackeyed peas and he ate some of that too. I had a scoop of the blackeyed peas.
I didn’t measure anything yesterday. It was a day of guessing calories, portions and fat and sugar quantity. I knew it was going to be a tough non-measuring sort of day. I will have to simply guess how many calories were in some of the items.
egg (cooked in SB) on English muffin – 70, 25, 120
plum – 35
1 oz organic beef jerky – 80
lemonade – 185 (guessing based on my share of two split lemonades)
one bite of sausage on a roll – 20
about 10 Bavarian cashews that Jade handed me- 55
three bites of Jade’s soft pretzel – 35
6 oz cream of crab soup – 215
3/4 of a chicken pita (it was advertised as a chicken pita, but it was in naan bread) white meat with lettuce, tomato, caramelized onions, dressing – 75, 195, 85 (guess on sauce), 20 (veggies)
6 oz of chicken, mashed potatoes w gravy, blackeyed peas, 2 biscuits – 210, 85 (looked up the KFC potatoes online and aren’t as bad as I thought they would be), 360 (two biscuits is where most of my calories were! Who knew!) 65
TOTAL: 2010
Holy smokes, I can’t believe I came in at just over 2k in calories for yesterday. I put more calories for the naan bread (and even counted it as whole instead of 3/4) than it said online because it seemed to me like there should have been more calories in that tasty bread, so it’s possible that the count is lower. I did go over my 1500 and I feel ok about that for yesterday, because the day was so out of structure. No shame, no guilt and I had a good day and still ate some foods I love and went (maybe went) only 10 calories over the recommended daily allowance for a woman.
My back is feeling much better and I will begin bouncing again today. I don’t know if it would be good for me to take running back up at this point, but I do want to ride my bike, walk with friends and sign up for that pool already! Jade wants to swim in the worst way too.
My jeans are getting baggy enough that they are starting to be annoying. In about five more pounds I’m going to buy some new ones.
Maybe you also noted that I have switched to light soy milk. I don’t recommend you do this if you are going straight from dairy to soy. The light soy milk is very thin and watery compared to even regular soy milk. Give yourself time to adjust. I switched to the light soy since it saves me a few calories, but still gives me all of the advantages, nutritionally.
This morning I had a small amount of goat cheese called “Manchego” which, to me, tastes remarkably like a sharp Vermont cheddar, without all of the casein. I purchased it at the Safeway in La Plata or maybe it was the new one just over the line in PG County. It was NOT the Waldorf one, that’s for sure.
Also today, my hair is being touched up, by me. I have had to do it at least four times since I got it colored. It’s not a big deal, but I do need to get some more appropriate tools from the salon. Some clips a cape and so forth. I also need to make sure I have about three hours set aside every other week to do this. It is more time consuming than my hair of the past, that’s for sure. But, it’s still fun and adventure!
Emotional turmoil of a type I’ve never experienced before led me to a strange world last night.
(Private journal entry required for most of this.)
The emotional eating began while I was at Target yesterday afternoon, after 5pm. I was shopping for soy milk and printer paper and walked past some white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies. I only wanted one, but had to buy the whole bag. I decided since all I’d had all day was several pieces of fruit and a small bowl of cereal, that one cookie would be fine, even if I wasn’t going to be able to work off the sugar that was going to metabolize quickly.
I got into the car and forgot to get something to drink. I couldn’t eat a cookie with nothing to drink. I considered buying milk or even sweet tea, but opted for water, so I stopped at Food Lion and bought some water. I opened the cookie bag on the way to pick up my daughter and ate one cookie. Then put the bag in the back seat. 160 calories. I didn’t enjoy it the way I would have back when I ate more of that kind of food. Though, I didn’t think of it at the time, I think I was having the first moment of a very controlled binge session.
I dropped off my daughter with my husband and her sister and left. I wandered around town, thinking. I went to a drug store and bought a notebook, some ink pens, a travel size bottle of lotion and a box of Mike & Ike’s, got back in my car and drove to PG County and wandered around a bit, then parked and wrote and ate from the Mike & Ike box. I was going to eat as many as I wanted and not think about it. In the end I probably ate about a quarter of the box – about two handfuls.
At some point in the evening I phoned home and my husband wanted to come meet me because I needed somebody to talk to. We met at IHOP, one of the few places open all night in the ‘dorf and I wanted breakfast food. I felt that old emotional craving for food. The “fill up this empty spot in me” sort of moment. And, I’d not eaten any meals to that point and it was well into the evening by then. By the way, the lobby of the IHOP in the ‘dorf smells like sour milk and feet. We almost didn’t stay, but the rest of the place didn’t smell like that, looked clean and well-lit and we were already there, so we stayed. Hubby asked for a private spot to sit, so our very nice waiter put us all the way on the opposite wall, where I proceeded to order a meal that not only contained white flour, but also bacon and potatos. I also put white table sugar in my tea. In the past I wouldn’t have even given that a single thought. Now, I see white table sugar as a bad thing for me, but I was not really caring at that point.
“I haven’t had this much refined sugar in one day in I don’t know how long,” I said to him.
While we talked I dumped who knows how much artificially flavored corn-syrup on my white flour pancakes.
As I squirted the the ketchup onto my eggs and potatoes I said, “I’m not even going to pay attention to how much ketchup I am putting on this. Did you know that ketchup can have quite a few calories in it? I am throwing caution to the wind, aren’t I? This is a real bender I’m on today.”
He looked at the label, “There’s high fructose corn syrup in it.”
“I know,” I said.
And we ate our respective meals.
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup and butter – sweet cream butter – I haven’t had that in quite a while.
Two pieces of extra-crispy bacon.
Two eggs – scrambled.
Home fried red potatos.
Hot lemon tea.
Ketchup.
Sugar.
Faykle syrup.
Then, if that wasn’t enough, he asked for the dessert menu so I decided to keep going. We shared stuffed crepes with strawberries. Of course they had whipped cream and were stuffed with sweetened cream cheese of some sort. And the strawberries were, of course, in a heavy syrup and not fresh but likely had been frozen.
“This tastes so weird to me,” I said.
“How so,” he asked?
“It tastes like kid food.”
I call it a “controlled” binge session because back in my full blown eating disordered days, I never would have thought about the food I was putting in. I would buy a box of danish or a carrot cake or a pie or creme hornes, and I would sit and just eat and eat and feel the creme squish around. Feel the softness and sweetness of everything. If there were chips, I would chomp the crispy treats and let the salt and grease and tactile pleasures of the food just fill me up. Yesterday was nothing like that. Though there was an emotional element to my eating I think, I still thought about the food and how much of it I was eating. I couldn’t even help it. I didn’t even want to think about it, but I automatically did. That’s why when in the old days I would have killed that bag of cookies in ten minutes and downed some serious milk with them, this time it was one cookie and water.
My husband is a very private man. It is very difficult for him to have so much of his private world on display, here in my blogs and in my artwork. I am not always a quiet, well-behaved wifey. We talked about it some. I told him that I wish sometimes he would tell me what makes him uncomfortable. What is too much. But he said it would be wrong of him to try and alter or change my process at all. That this is my process and he just tries to deal with it. In recent months, I have tried to be more vague in my public writings and keep the details in private journals. This allows me to still do my process without having to share all the very private things going on in our lives. In some ways he has taught me to value that privacy a bit more than I used to. Though I guess you could argue that the very fact I am writing about my emotional strain and the outing to IHOP is revealing private moments. But, I would be dishonoring his tolerance of my process if I simply stopped. Which he has said over and over, he does not want. I guess if I am to keep any of my public process intact I have to share some basic info, such as state of mind and some of the physical input. The details however, shall remain privately journaled now. There is some value in that, I think.
Sometimes I wonder why I am such an over-sharing sort of person. I often want to share my pain and travails with the world. To me, it is a beautiful thing to share something private. Something that others might feel alone in. That they might be able to connect with or learn from. It feels healing to me when I learn that somebody connected with me over my hurts or joys. That they took something valuable away from my personal life lessons. Those things to me are precious. But I can have my process, still share and try to keep some things to my private journaling. Maybe this will be an evolution to my process. Maybe it will actually help me dig deeper because I won’t be censoring myself in my private journal the way I do in my public ones. And yes, I do censor myself in my public journals – I always have. This will be a good process revision, I think.
I am an optimist at heart and I try to view all of these things as positive lessons. Evolution of process. Good change.
After talking, I was calmer.
After eating, I was calmer.
I felt like going back to the house. I felt very much like going back to the house.
I went home and showed my family the classic style Piglet I bought. I wanted it, but I don’t need more stuff, so I bought it for my baby nephew who will be visiting next month. I cuddled it a while and the dogs were very interested in it. I would say Bear was curious and frightened of it. Everybody thought it was cute. I had some Nighty Night tea and sat on the couch and watched Connie & Carla until I passed out. At some point I made it to bed, which was covered with clean laundry, which I just climbed into bed with. It magically got removed from the bed by somebody who wasn’t me and I slept deeply until hubby woke me up to say goodbye this morning and my mom duties for the day began.
Today, I will be eating things like spinach, shrimp, plums and bananas. I will not be eating things like white flour, refined sugar and corn syrup in it’s various incarnations.
Here are some images from the past week or so, that I didn’t get to post due to back problems and such.
A brooding moment in the broken mirror outside.
Blue eggs from Hard Bargain Farm.
Look how big these yolks are! And how bright!
White wine with a chamomile and Benadryl chaser. Slept good that night.
***
Just because I’m a never-ending rainbow (something some guys said to me in a bar several years ago) I’m going to end this post on two happy moments I had last week. My flower-child moment in the kitchen and hubby replacing the lamp in the television. I hadn’t watched “You Are What You Eat” and bounced to its inspiration all week! That was my plan too, but as rotten luck would have it, my back went out the next morning. At least I had TV while I was convalescing. I watched Connie and Carla and A Walk on the Moon several times.
I used my good ol’ paper journal yesterday. Just recording the food old school.
I figured out the day numbers – how far I am into this project and the food journal for this entry is for September 9, 2009 which is by my figures day 104.
Now, I must try to keep a closer vigil on these things. Otherwise, it’s too hard to tell what might or might not be working or changing.
I weighed myself after dinner two nights ago – in my jeans and everything and was horrified. I realized that I shouldn’t have done that and also, that I hated being horrified by the apparent gain.
I weighed myself this morning and felt better – my usual weigh-in is on Friday morning, before I’ve eaten breakfast, in my panties and a shirt. I admit, I was relieved to see I hadn’t gained a little over 4 lbs. But I was just astounded that just dinner and water (I had had a full glass of water and taken my vitamin just before I stepped on) along with my jeans could make such a big difference!
Why does that number mean so much? I want it to go down, so I guess that’s why it means so much. But I also don’t want to want it to go down. GAH! This is supposed to be a simple learning process, an art project – but it really has infiltrated every corner of my life. I think about it most of the day, but in part because some of this is simple life-changing actions. A new way of life – so much fresh food and exercise.
Also, I have been paying more attention to my appearance in general – it took me over an hour today (Sept 10 as I write this) – to touch up my hair color. It is sitting in my hair right now waiting to be rinsed. Then there is the body scrub and the shaving and the facial stuff that has added an easy 40 minutes onto my daily shower routine. My skin does look better. My hair is kinda cool. I sometimes feel weird spending money on myself, but I’m getting over that.
2 cups of decaf, 1/2 c vanilla soy milk, 4 tsp honey (total) – 50, 60
handful of almonds – 75
12 chocolate chips – 25
grapes, about 40 – 80
cheese – goat, colby jack (two small squares), 1 slice of havarti -200
Total: 910
When Jade got home she was complaining there was nothing to eat. When Amber arrived here a few days ago she told her, “Oh, and if you want any junk food FORGET IT, there isn’t any here. I had to ask daddy to go out just to get me some ice cream.” Anyway, we then had grapes and cheese. She was still hungry so I made her a smoothie. I need to put the smoothie instructions up on the cabinet door so everybody knows how to make one.
After she ate she came back to my room to talk to me, “Hey, I’m lonely out there!” She sat on my bed then didn’t get her butt up for a couple of hours. So, I took the opportunity for a little snuggle time. These pix are for you specifically Aunt Brandi (taken with my celly, so they aren’t great quality). By the way, when the heckaroony are you gonna come visit us? Hmmmmm? Jade misses her baby cousin! How do I know? Because we’ll be at the store for instance and there will be a picture of a baby on a carton or we will be looking through a magazine and there will be a picture of a baby and she’ll say, “Baby Daniel is cuter. I miss my baby cousin!” So, you have to come visit!
And I bought myself a dozen yellow roses, to cheer myself up a bit. Aint’ they purdy? I really love the way roses look in my vintage jars. I didn’t eat that whole hunk of cheese, just the thin slices of it you see on the plate.
Maybe it was the tick bites, but I had a headache most of the day and also felt a little sick after I would eat. So, I didn’t eat a whole lot.
I was feeling a little better by bedtime, but still like I’m fighting something off. With the stress I’ve been under, I’m surprised I haven’t gotten sick. I suppose I owe it to the vitamins and the exercise and the good food that the stress hasn’t completely knocked me on my ass every day. It is easy though, if I think about things too much, to let myself get down in the dumps and sink quietly into depression. So, I try to stay distracted.
***
Sometimes if I’m wanting a chocolate bar or a box of chocolates, I will instead toss some nuts (unsalted) into a bowl with some semi-sweet chocolate chips. I get the high quality chocolate chips that have real ingredients. The nuts are usually almonds, walnuts and cashews. All of which are so very good for me. It keeps me from running to the store and buying some of my old favorite candy bars, which I rarely ate anyway. Take a close look next time you go to buy that Three Musketeers though and you might decide nuts and chocolate chips are a healthier choice.
I just make sure I measure and don’t go overboard if I have this little treat.
Also – know what tastes pretty darn good in oatmeal? Sunflower kernels! I had some the other day and it was super tasty. There was other stuff in there too, like walnuts and dried berries, but the sunflower kernels really complimented the flavor of the oatmeal very well.
Woke up in pain with a very heavy cycle. Blah! I also woke up hungry.
I canceled an appointment I had for a model to come to my studio for a session. I just didn’t have it in me to prepare the studio.
I was scheduled to go on a walk at a farm with a friend late in the morning. I texted her and let her know how I was feeling and that I still wanted to go if I felt well enough after I got some food, pain killers and tea in me.
Banana – 105
chocolate – 170
cup of pms tea with honey – 40
two eggs, smoked salmon, a pinch of goat cheese – 140, 35, 50
Walk with Jenni at Hard Bargain – a very long somewhat sweaty, but very beautiful walk. Totally worth it to make myself get out of the house. The weather is so beautiful the last few days.
You can’t tell I’m bleeding to death in this photo, can you? Well, I do look rather pale.
fruit salad with 1/2 container of vanilla soy yogurt- 155
I just grabbed fruit sitting around – plum, peaches, nectarines, blueberries and made Jade and myself a bowl of fruit salad. It’s great to see you kid eating stuff you know is helping them grow. The whole process from start to finish maybe took fifteen minutes.
I was so hungry! I just couldn’t stop eating! The only thing I could really do is just watch my portion size because I wasn’t going to NOT eat. I am already grouchy!
Feeling quite crappy again, all crampy and tired, after nightfall. I’m waiting to talk to Robert, who is in Florida with our daughter.
