I think it is probably normal to have little fantasies like this, where you “get back” at somebody. 

I had a twinge of that last week when I had to be in the room with somebody who betrayed me quite badly.  Somebody who pretended to be my friend, then…well, you’ll just have to draw your own conclusions.  I pushed all of that aside for the time being, because the focus of the day was friends I care about and I wanted my energy to be with them.

The next day, I started pondering the nature of these types of thoughts. Why do these “revenge” fantasies push into our brains?  Why are they so seductive?  And what good would it do to try and be thin to simply rub it ins somebody’s face who doesn’t even care about me as a friend and a person?  What difference does my size make when the people who really love and care about me, love me no matter what size I am?

I don’t want to be shallow, but the idea of  just starving myself like the old days and getting thin for some kind of “FUCK YOU” — I don’t know how satisfying it would be.  And if it was satisfying, how long would that last and what does it say about me as a person?  Are these thoughts vestiges of my eating disorder?  Are they simple human reactions?  Billy says he thinks they are just normal thoughts, but that it’s good that I examine them and I don’t indulge them too much.

It got me to wondering how many people out there go on a “revenge” diet.  It also made me wonder, in general, do these diets tend to be healthy or of the crash variety?  How successful are they in terms of weight-loss compared to regular diets?  And are the results long-lasting or do you just make yourself sick yo-yoing?

If anybody has any “revenge” diet experiences or thoughts, I’d love to hear about them.

My oldest daughter is allergic to gluten and I have other relatives who are allergic as well.  So, I figured it couldn’t hurt to just try one week, to see if it makes a difference in how I feel.  In the past I have tried to go gluten free.  But I think my mistake was not having  a time limit on it.  Or a final goal.  Goals are important.  Anyway, I am just trying out one week off of dairy and gluten to see how my body responds.  If I am in a good groove by Friday and feel healthy, I may try an additional week. 

Off of gluten and dairy I have noticed I am eating a lot more of the things that are good for me.  

I’m recording my intake carefully, so I know just how I’m doing.  Here is my journal for the past two days with calorie totals:

August 13, DAY 14 – Weighting for Me

The food at the fundraiser. I had to guess how much they put on the plate. The bbq was too delicious - sorry piggy. I didn't eat the beans.

Chicken:  1 very small thigh, 1 small drumstick, 2 wings (baked) – 253
1 sm apple – 55
Approx 1/2 cup pulled pork – 345
1/4c potato salad – 75
diet soda – 0
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
watermelon wedge – 55
2 ears of corn – 2x 45
mixed steamed veggies w 1tsp Smart Balance and garlic powder – about 1 1/2 cups – 125
5 sips of white wine – 35

TOTAL:  1193

August 14, Day 15

Billy made the eggs, I cut up the fruit. Teamwork!

1 egg – 70
1/2 banana – 50
1 lg peach- 65

Classic Cafe Salad from Panera, with apple instead of bread. Yummy, yummy bread.

Panera “Classic Cafe” salad- 170
1 sm. apple – 55
2 corn on the cob – 2×45
1 banana- 100
2 oz chicken breast – 50
2 oz turkey breast – 60
1.5 tsp mayo – 50
Edy’s juice fruit bar (frozen) – 70
1.5 tbsp of peanut butter – 150
tuna egg salad – 250
8oz Old House Farms Vanilla Chai drink – 160
2 oz red wine – 50
Lg. wedge of watermelon – 100
3 prunes – 60

TOTAL: 1600

I have not been exercising nearly enough.  I had tried walking once per week with my very sweet friend Christiana, but my heel would hurt for days afterwards.  Since our trip to New York in April, I have suffered from hobbling foot pain in my right heel.  Sometimes it’s fine and I can barely feel it.  Other times, I can barely walk.  The last walk we took has left it aggravated and I think I am going to have to swim and bike for a while and let my heel rest as much as possible.  I am not looking forward to butt-pain from the bicycle seat, but at least that goes away after enough bike rides.

My beautiful friend and adventure girl, Christiana and me, during a walk.

I did swim for two hours last week in my friend Mary’s pool.  Mary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet.  She has a very generous heart and she invited Jade and me over for breakfast and I blurted out a question about the pool.  She said, “Sure, come on over and swim!’  We swam and I felt great.  My left knee (arthritis) didn’t hurt and my right heel didn’t hurt and my herniated disc didn’t hurt – everything was great in the pool.  I got lots of exercise without all of the pain afterwards!  I made sure I mostly keep paddling and swimming and stayed in motion.  It is hands down my most favorite exercise and I don’t even think of it as exercise.  I think of it as play time.

Today my friend Angela is coming over and we are cooking her a belated birthday dinner.  Jade is making her an apple pie in place of a birthday cake.  Just like the one she made last week that I gorged on and made myself feel sick.  SO!  I am going to be prepared THIS TIME!  I am going to make an apple crisp for myself.  I am going to use oat flour instead of wheat, some brown sugar, some agave nectar, a healthy dose of cinnamon (which it turns out is very good for you), some walnuts (healthy fats!)  and several apples.  I will let you know how it turns out and if it is a half decent replacement for pie.

I have been mostly journaling my food.  I have to be very diligent about it or I start eating things I shouldn’t eat – or at least over doing it.

I was away for the weekend and at cookout birthday party type stuff.  We ate healthfully overall.  I did have a piece of birthday cake – a smallish size slice from the center.  I did also have a ton of raw veggies.  I did dip in some dip though – so, I’m not sure how to count that kind of thing.

What do YOU do when you go to a cookout or party?  I don’t mean you just go to a kid’s party for two hours – that is somewhat avoidable temptation.  I mean, what do you do when you have a cookout to attend and your meal will be coming from that event for the day?  Do you just splurge, then starve the next day or exercise a couple of extra hours?  Do you go ahead and have some of the higher fat and sugar items, but in small quantities?  Do you turn away anything but veggies? 

And isn’t it kind of rude to go to a cookout or a party and not eat anything?

The days since Friday that I did do calorie totals:

August 9 – 1620

August 10- 1870

The other days I just tried to control my portions and not over indulge on anything.

I also decided to try and go without gluten this week.  Just to see if I felt any different.  I felt pretty good most of the week.  My friend Mary suggested I eat my tuna salad in lettuce instead of bread – which worked out great.  She also let me swim in her pool for two hours.  Swimming is officially my favorite exercise.  It doesn’t hurt my knee.  Or my heel, which still sometimes hurts quite badly since our trip to New York.  So swimming was easy on my joints, my feet, my back and I LOVED DOING IT!  If I had a swimming pool I think I would swim every single day.

Yesterday was terrible, food-wise.  Not only did I eat gluten but I ate too much sugar.  Jade made a practice Dutch Apple Pie – it had big chunks of sweet spicy apple.  YUM!  But I ate too much and felt sick for part of the evening.  I didn’t eat much else besides things I shouldn’t have.  I had fondue with pumpernickel and turkey.  I had too much pie – four of us killed that pie by the end of the evening.  I also had a small piece of Oreo cake that Jade’s friend made himself and wanted us to try.  See, they were having a PSYCH marathon day and they both made something to share. 

I don’t want to be uptight about food.  I don’t want to be rude and I like trying things that people bring to events.  What is the best ways to enjoy yourself, watch your dietary needs and have fun – yet KEEP TRACK?  Is it even possible without appearing neurotic about food?  Without being a bad guest?

I have not done any regular exercise.  I really need to figure out what I can do that won’t hurt!  Wish I had a swimming pool!

For some reason, counting calories makes me count other things in my life as well.  My years.  My failures. My successes.

I am glad I have a roof and food and even some very nice things.  But what about what I am DOING with my life?  Am I making the most of each day?  Am I organized? Am I motivated?

DAY 4

English muffin/egg/sausage/Smart Balance

I use Thomas’ whole grain muffins.  They are tasty and only 120 calories.  They make the perfect little egg sandwich.

Skinny Cow fudge bar

Mango smoothie (vanilla yogurt, frozen mango, soy milk)

La Tolteca for dinner with Will – I love sitting in this little place and eating with my Billy boy.

10 tortilla chips, guacamole, shrimp fajita (ONE flour tortilla – I was being so good!)

Ice tea with 2 packets of sugar

16 Ghirardelli dark choc chips

3 marshmallows

Popcorn

honey nut cheerios with milk

Breyer’s frozen fruit bar - these do have some sugar in them, but also has some fruit puree and vitamin C
TOTAL:

1612

Though I try to remember to be grateful and thankful for what I do have, a movie like that really drives the point home.

I am happy I have the choices of foods that I do.  I am thankful I have a loving family.  It’s really important to keep things in perspective when I get frustrated or feel deprived.

Day 3

English muffin/egg/veggie sausage/SB

cherries

prunes

Skinny Cow fudge bar

WW entree – rice and beans w extra cheese

1 1/4 c  2% milk

sandwich thin with turkey and mayo

“sloppy joe” made with veggie crumbles on a sandwich thin

steamed spinach with olive oil

2 roasted marshmallows

a few sips of Will’s lemonade spritzer (Simply Lemon lemonade mixed with lemon lime Vintage seltzer)

I drink a lot of seltzer water when I’m trying to cut back on calories.  I like orange and lemon-lime the best.  It’s soda without all the crap and sugar.  It has a little flavor, which is refreshing.  It helps me when my mouth wants something but I need to ease off of the portion size or prevent myself from “bored eating” which I do sometimes.

Calorie Total: 1494

I was up past 3 and this sometimes makes calorie counting difficult.  When what was supposed to be your last meal was around dinner time and your last snack was early evening, that’s a long stretch for a busy girl to have no food.

I ended up buying some Skinny Cow fudge bars yesterday.  I also rely on popcorn as a back-up plan.  Popcorn just screams “late night snack” – but 3am is almost breakfast time, so I ended up having a small bowl of Post Raisin Bran.  After that, I plopped the bowl on the floor for Kali the cat to finish off the few drops of milk.  I decided to watch the rest of a Burn Notice episode and fold towels, and fell asleep somewhere in there.

This begs the question:  Do I count the cereal on yesterday or today?  Is the cut off time midnight?  Or maybe 2am?  Or maybe it’s the “same day” if you haven’t gone to bed yet?

I got pretty snacky being up late and working.  I tried to keep it healthy.  The only “bad” food I had yesterday was fries.  That’s right I said “bad” food.  Not as a “moral judgment” but as in “not really good for your body.”  And if you decide to read my interaction with that blogger, you might be interested in this post where it sure seems like she’s judging food.  I would have left a note on her bloggy asking her if she’d changed her feelings about food judgments, but I didn’t care for our last interaction, so I didn’t bother.  Anyway, fries really aren’t good for you.  But I like them. And I need to really consider why I chose the fries over some kind of veggie on the side.  Maybe simply because they are a sensual experience.  And I’m all for sensual experience.  I just need to be careful. Not feeling guilty, just wondering what it all adds up to in the end for my delicate blood sugar.

The other issue that seems to have worsened is my sleep being disturbed by not breathing well.  I lay on my side but that doesn’t always work.  Now, I have always snored, even when I was thin, but I haven’t always had my breathing obstructed.  I know this is happening both because Will has witnessed it and because I feel crappy, headachy and I even experience some blockage when I’m awake, if I am laying in just the wrong way.  I guess you can put on weight INSIDE of your mouth/throat, because it somehow feels “fatter” and it’s very uncomfortable.  There was improvement with the previous weight loss, so I can’t pretend that there isn’t something at work here.  I can’t shout from my previous “fat acceptance” stance that it’s not true or real.  I have to admit that the weight does have some impact on this aspect of my health.

Anyway, here is my journal for yesterday.  You will notice that I stopped putting the measurements and individual calorie amounts along with the food items – it’s just too time consuming.  If you really miss knowing the portion sizes and calories for each item, let me know and I will go back to it.  I don’t have to put them here for my own sake because I have them in my journal.

By the way – after my year-long experiment with Weighting for You I have decided (which I previously believed to be true but hadn’t tested)  that calories-in, calories-out is utter crap.  There is so much more to it than that.

Have a beautiful day!

English muffin with Smart Balance

pita chips, hummus, cucumber, feta

warm turkey sandwich, avocado, lettuce, tomato, mayo on baguette (next time I’ll ask MiMi’s if they have whole grain.  The sandwich was a nice smaller size, which I liked.  They tend to have very healthy menu selections and smaller portions if you want them and they are a little easier on the wallet too.)

I ate part of the sandwich at MiMi’s and took the rest home because I filled up on giant cucumber slices and hummus.

Fries

two glasses of tea each sweetened with two packets of sugar

bing cherries

Skinny Cow fudge bar (I should really read the ingredients – got lazy on that one – will check in with ya on that later)

watermelon

popcorn

very small glass of Camelot mead (VERY TASTY MEAD, my favorite so far!)

raisin bran with milk

TOTAL:

1823 calories

Well, I went a bit over the 1800 mark.  But it was a long day and I didn’t over-indulge on anything.  I do tend to eat lots of fruits and veggies when I’m tracking – which will really help my health in the long run.  For the sake of my blood sugar, I need to avoid going long periods without eating then eating a large meal.  Actually, for my reflux too.  Finding that balance will be nice.  That sweet spot of feeling comfortable, healthy and energetic and well rested.  Feeling like my body is getting all it needs to be strong and not start breaking down.  I don’t think that we can maintain something like that at all times.  But we sure can do our best to take care of ourselves, for our own sake and for those who love us.

By the way – the other day I ate 25 cherries for a snack.  That was a good snack.  The size was satisfying and enjoyable.  Last night I ate 32 and felt over-stuffed.  I wished I’d stopped at 25!

Right now there is thunder rumbling in the distance.  “Men of a Certain Age” is on the television (recorded on my DVR) and Will is loading the truck full of stuff that needs to go to storage.

One of the underlying themes of the show is that Owen is diabetic, but he keeps eating things he shouldn’t eat.  He keeps drinking alcohol.  It’s frustrating the people who love him.

He’s just come home from a party, eating and drinking and now he’s back at home binging on Fiddle Faddle.  His one little boy is very bothered by his behavior.  He just wants his dad to be around.  In the context of the show it’s easy to sit here and be frustrated with Owen – PUT DOWN THAT DONUT OWEN! – and to see so clearly where he goes wrong.  He just needs to stop eating crap.  He disgusts his father.  His workmates make fun of him.  His wife and kids worry about him.  He has had health repercussions because of his eating habits, yet he still can’t put down the bear claw.  This is not so unusual. But why?

MY FOOD JOURNAL FOR YESTERDAY

yogurt and blueberries

Chickfila chargrilled sandwich

unsweetened iced tea

10 prunes

whole wheat naan bread with avocado, tomato, cucumber, vinaigrette, hummus

cherries

popcorn w 2 tsp butter

Total:

1505

There are lots of reasons it becomes overwhelming.  Some might call them excuses.  People can call them whatever they like.  I knew I was in over my head. And for whatever reason I can’t seem to keep my food in check without, well, checking it.  Checking the measurements, the weight, the calories.  It’s too easy to take in over 1800 calories.  It’s too easy to allow myself a few cookies one day and ice cream the next.  It’s easy to lose track of what I’m taking in, good or bad.  And that means I may not be taking in enough of the good stuff.

I never realized before how many things tie two lives together.  Especially when those lives have been together for about twenty years and there are children involved. And pets.

The pets have been the most recent difficulty.  We have five household pets.  One of the dogs belongs to our oldest daughter who moved and couldn’t take the dog with her.  Then with my husband leaving, it left quite a strain on my time.  One of the cats got a urinary tract infection and began ruining the carpet.  Suddenly we had new diets to deal with, pills, antibiotics and now all pets have to be fed in different places because one of them can share food now.  So, most of my days had begun to become about pet care.  Without the husband coming home at night to do the feeding and playing with the dogs, it all became overwhelming.

There was a lot to come to terms with emotionally too.  Some of them come up when you aren’t expecting it.  Like finding out that somebody who was supposedly your friend betrayed you and probably doesn’t even care that she did. So much comes out when a marriage is ending.  Never *all* of it…but a lot.  Enough to make a person sick with stress.  And distracted.

Anyway, with a house divided I now need to start making money with my art or put my art on hold until I sort all of this out.  Finances, fighting, the new girlfriend, uncertainty, five pets, three websites, measuring food, busy teen daughter, and trying to run a business got to be too much for me.  Something had to give.  The food related stuff was easy to drop.  I figured I had done my project.  It had almost been a year.  I couldn’t find the motivation.  Then, my jeans started getting tight and I got winded climbing stairs.  I wake up sometimes, not breathing well and with a headache.  These are things I need to remember when I start to slack.

As I started to feel worse, physically and Will noticed more pre-made sorts of foods creeping into the house, he gently reminded me he wanted me around a long time.  And I know I want to be around for him.  And my girls.  WHY is that SO HARD to remember when you are craving sweets and staring down warm chocolate chip cookies?

I need to go back to the mindset having stuff like that, but in serious moderation.  Saying I can’t have chocolate for the rest of my life is like saying I can’t have sex!  I am a sensualist after all.

But even with my health hanging in the balance, I had a hard time feeling a push.  Then Will suggested a new angle on my “Weighting for You” project.  Turn it more inwards.  Make it about me and not the project itself.  Make it all about my health and my dreams.  Make it just about me.  About taking care of myself.  He said, “Change it from Weighting for You to Weighting for Me.”  It seems so simple,  so obvious — and, well, something lit up.

So, here I am – trying again.  I guess all I can do is keep trying.  I don’t want to give up on myself.  Giving up on myself is giving up on the people who love and care about me.  I hope I can remember that, even when a pile of warm cookies are nearby.

FRIDAY JULY 30th — DAY 1 OF “Weighting for Me”

Weigh-In:  260.5

Dang – gained all of my weight back.  But that doesn’t bother me as much as the headaches from not sleeping well and the worsening of my PMS.  Look at how quickly I could undo all of the good I had done over the course of a year.  It’s kind of amazing when you think about it.

So far today:

2.5oz turkey breast, tomato, onion, lite mustard dressing on a sandwich thin

2 Kashi “cookies” – though they are really round granola bars

Where is my food journal?  Sigh – back to cleaning.  I have been cleaning and organizing for three days now – you’d think I would have found it by now!

I am so mystified and intrigued by my own behavior.  And I can’t help but feel like the project itself is bringing back some old dieting type behaviors.  Old thinking I really need to rid myself of.

As my spirit guide told me, “You need to make good choices EVERY TIME you eat.  Not just most of the time.  Every time!”

I was out running errands on Thursday.  I was buying bananas, eggplant, mushrooms and almond milk.  My mind was on the healthful menu of the next day.  I was thinking maybe some ratatouille for dinner – tasty, good for you and almost no fat and no bad stuff at all!  I think I am going to go simmer the eggplant when I’m done here.  Anyway,  while walking past the bakery I could smell the sweet dough cooking.  The powdered sugar.  The custard.  I walked by and went to various other areas of the store and then, got to thinking about how I would be recording my food the next day.  About how if I got hungry for a donut or cake, I would have to keep everything so controlled.  I am so exhausted right now of control – mostly of my feelings with my separation going on and trying to just take steps in a good direction.  But to do that, you have to swallow a lot of emotions.  I kept smelling those donuts.

I ended up buying four and during the next few hours ate three Shoppers Food Warehouse “collossal donuts.”    It was really more like two and a half because after a few bites of one of them, I didn’t care for it and tossed it back in the box and I shared one with Jade (bad mom).  I got four different types to satisfy whatever craving I was worried I would have in the near future and be unable to indulge. 

What is wrong with this picture!?! 

Know what’s really bad?  I wasn’t even craving them at the MOMENT.  The smell inspired me to want them, but if it had been any other normal day, I don’t think I would have eaten them.  I just wasn’t dying for one, ya know?  I was more worried about a FUTURE craving for one.  Why do I do that?  Do you ever do that?

Now the “fat acceptance” camp would tell me that there is no bad food.  But I don’t believe that.  I think eating almost three whole giant donuts when you are possibly pre-diabetic is a bad choice.  I still haven’t had my bloodwork done, so I don’t know for sure, but for now I think it’s better to work on the premise that I could get diabetes.  Even if I am not officially pre-diabetic per the lab results, I still am at risk because of family history at least.  And my weight has some bearing on that.

What was going through my mind?  Why did I do this?  Is this part of my mental illness?  Is it simply a matter of lack of will power?

Then I went ahead and had a Chickfila sandwich and fries for dinner.  When I am tracking my food I eat the grilled chicken sandwich with no sauce and no fries and an unsweetened iced tea.  I had the regular sandwich with extra pickles – like I used to when I was pregnant and later when I was working at the computer store with Robert when Jade was a toddler.  And I went ahead and had the fries.  I had still had the unsweetened tea though.  But what is going on here?  I was having food based on future cravings and nostalgia.  I think I was eating from a very emotional place on Thursday instead of listening to my own body and what it wanted and needed.  It wasn’t even logical.

The weird thing is, that when I’m not counting my food and in the years previous to Weighting (but after my eating disorder, from about 2001 and on) I hardly ate fast food!  Only when we were traveling did I stop at Wendy’s or Hardee’s.  On our way to Virginia Beach mostly. 

I also keep trying to decide if I should focus on losing weight along with healthful eating habits or if I should just focus on healthful eating.  When I think about my weight, I tend to get more neurotic.  I think I still do anyway!  I’m not sure.  I haven’t set a goal weight since I started this project because that isn’t what it’s supposed to be about.  But I do feel good when I have had a great week eating healthy foods and exercising and the scale reflects it.  I worry about how that makes me think about myself.  But is there a point in worrying about it, or just do it?

Should I set a goal weight?  Should I just keep trying to eat good food and stay away from bad food?  What am I doing?  What are my goals?

Well, my goals have been healthy cholesterol level.  Healthy blood sugar level.  Healthy hormone and vitamin levels – remember that super low vitamin D?

I tried going meat, dairy and gluten free a week ago and got a horrible headache.  It took me down in the middle of a party and I had to lay down.  I felt like I would be sick.  I’ve rarely had a headache that bad.  I think I need to eat enough to be full, but not overdo it.  I think I need to make sure it’s quality food.  But I don’t want to cut out everything I love. 

Yesterday I didn’t write down my food but I paid attention to what I was eating, but even so still ate one peep and and about an ounce of chocolate.  Now, chocolate isn’t on the no-no list – it has anti-oxidants!  But, it needs to be quality chocolate and in small amounts.  If I could have tasty chocolate that had no sugar, I would – but it doesn’t exist!

Yesterday I ate red pepper hummus and made fruit/almond milk smoothies for Amy and myself.  I had a turkey sandwich with lots of tomatoes and some light dressing on whole wheat bread.  But, I need to record it because by the end of the day, I will end up thoughtlessly snacking.  I need to keep it all written down – my exercise too.  I was doing so well when I kept it all written down.  Made myself accountable.  But I do get tired of all that constant control.  I’m a relaxed, emotional sensualist – I don’t like having so many controls over my life – but there has to be a balance between doing what I want and enjoy and what I must for my health and the people I love.

I need to think of them when I consider eating a donut. 

WEIGHT April 16, 2010 — 249.8

WEIGHT February 21, 2010 — 251.2

Loss: 1.4 lbs.

FIRST WEIGH-IN May 29, 2009 — 259.7

TOTAL LOSS: 9.9

In almost a year I’ve lost only 9.9 lbs, even though during most of that time I was trying hard to eat healthfully.  I find it interesting.

Recently on Dr. Phil there was some discussion about weight and fat acceptance and all of that.  I found the topics of people who have very weight-loss resistant bodies.  There was some really great points made from both sides.  Though one dude was just a total jerk.  But that is everywhere.

For the people who have a hard time losing weight, should they starve and feel deprived all the time I wonder? 

I know what it’s like to be judged for my weight and size and sit across from a thinner person who can eat a chicken fried steak the size of a dinner plate and suffer very few outward appearance related consequences.

Try to remember each fat person has a story.  And just because somebody is thin, doesn’t mean they are healthy.  We all have our own story.  And our bodies are all different.