My second attempt at a video log. They are fairly simple to do, but could be even more simple with the right equipment and software.
It’s weird to watch myself on these little videos. I feel so apart from myself in various ways right now. Like I’d been shattered and scattered into a million little pieces and parts of me are watching while other parts of me are trying to reassemble. It’s somewhat surreal.
I also am dealing with an awful lot of anger and a deep sense of injustice and resentment. I don’t want to get off on that tangent because it’s already been eating me alive. I am just looking for ways to purge it because I don’t see any way resolution will come about. The best I can hope for is numbness and forced ignorance. I know that sounds a bit gloomy, but it’s all I can muster for you right now.
I’ve been pretty down on myself lately. Feeling useless, ugly – even disgusting at times. It’s the kind of thing that breaks my heart when I see it in other girls. It’s the feelings that I try so hard to help relieve in others with my Body Politics. In feeling like that I then feel like a failure for not living up to what I am trying to inspire in others.
Last night a sweet soul said he needed to remind me that plenty of people think I’m smart, funny, creative and beautiful – see me as a role model and a kind spirit. I almost cried (good tears) to hear it. When I am hurting like that I forget that not everybody sees me in a negative way.
I won’t deny my brain is boiling with vengeance. The things I want to just blurt out and scream from the rooftops – they might make me feel better for a little while, but it would be a hollow and temporary victory.
Right now I am “You Ought to Know” Alanis and I’d like to work my way towards, “You Owe Me Nothing” Alanis. Its an ideal anyway.
I’m posting my catch-up blogs into a few different entries so that they are in more digestable chunks, hopefully.
Here are photos from the past three weigh-ins. I didn’t include 10/30 because I’d been ill with an intestinal virus for 2 days and weighed in at 239, which I knew was due to my illness. So, I weighed in on Monday after I got over being sick and will weigh-in on Mondays from now on.
Yes, 243 – the cookies and coffee caught up with me.
Monday’s Weight: 240.5
Previous Weigh-In: 243
October 9th Weight (the last time I was actually journaling and counting calories): 241
Weight First Weigh-In: 259.7
Loss since last weigh-in: 3lbs
Loss since I was last really following the calorie limits: .5lb
Total Weight Loss: 19.2lbs
It seems as though getting sick helped me lose, but the real issue is how I feel about it – I’m still working on that.
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Yesterday’s Food Journal
egg & English muffin w Smart Balance – 70, 120, 40
3/4 of banana – 95
grapes – 85
3 oz oj – 42
coffee w milk and sugar – 75
whole wheat turkey sandwich w mustard – 220, 70
5oz vanilla soy milk – 70
banana – 105
2/3 plum – 20
sm bowl Mexican yellow rice tbsp of beans w some cheese and lettuce – 325
1/2 root beer – 78
TOTAL: 1415
I have a book that helps me figure out the calorie totals but there are also a couple of handy websites that will give you the calories for almost any food.
Calorie King is a good one and I also like Calorie Count.
***
Here are some random photos from the last few weeks.
Tracy veggie soup I ate today with a little bread loaf Will brought me last night.
October was a bad month for my left thigh! That large lower one was from the bus trip to New York. The others were from various physical mishaps over a period of about a week. It was weird to see my pale leg so marked up!
The last vestiges of a huge bouquet Robert gave to me.
Robert looking trim and eating chicken fried steak.
My meal. I don’t look trim.
Loki helping Will hang lights in my studio.
“Mother-in-Laws Tongue” pasta courtesy of Tracy.
Robert’s nemisis – computer spaghetti.
I wanted to buy one so bad, but I knew that remember they tasted great isn’t the same thing as them tasting great.
Robert was licky that day.
Busted sun-glasses. 
Jade doing her monologue. She was freaking adorable.
Hope and Jade eating sushi with me – both damned adorable.
Weird fire on the beltway – just little spots of fire all down the median for no apparent reason, for maybe a mile.
The homeade chicken noodle soup Will made for me to make my tummy all better.
Me feeling better and walking with Robin.
On my walk with Robin I cracked up at these neighbors.
WHEW!!! That was a LOT to catch up on. I’ve noticed that when the crisis started back in May, that I suddenly stopped carrying my camera everywhere. I used to carry it with me always. But during that month and several that followed, so many things that were part of me, just fell away. I could barely function each day, I guess it was too much to think about snapping photos all the time.
I hope some healing happens, I want a normal life again.
[...] Original post by Weighting for You [...]
Reading your food journal list made me a little homesick for you, even though I’ll be home in a little while. Just looking at the list made me feel better about you. I think it’s because when you were journaling I liked how it felt like you were taking care of yourself — making the effort to give your body good food and not more than it really needed. It also implied that you had control ofyour life, that you were directing your day rather than being buffeted by fate. I don’t think it matters about the weight; I really like seeing you take care of your self and honor your own body and spirit. I just realized I’ve been holding my breath for you for weeks. Now I can let it out. I guess you really matter to me, huh?
P.S. I’ve got your old goddess mirror in my back pocket
my god can I relate to the “this is their food they look lean” crap!!! you know i can. But i think i finally convinced danny that even though he is lean doesnt mean he is healthy. i need to get everyone on board eating healthy in my house- i think it will make it easier for me too in the long run- preparing only one dinner for all to eat
it was a real difference with the differnet room, the monochromatic background, the hair done, makeup on, etc…you look like you feel better- i know looks can be deceiving- and listneing to you, you seem to be diving in head first…does THAT mean you feel better? i can’t tell-
one thing i DO know is that i LOVE your wonder woman joural.
and take it easy on your thigh- quit beating your self up
i love you girl
I’ve had the same thing happen.. you get the gym clothes on and you feet are just stuck to the floor of the house or your butt is stuck to the couch. I’ve recently found motivation in using all of my self anger of my weight to get me out the door. Some days I will literally yell at myself to get out the door. Once I’m outside, it’s easy and enjoyable. Maybe try turning that anger into your own personal Staff-Sergent yelling at you in boot camp. I will even use that little anger guy to make me run a little longer, a little harder and take that huge hill instead of the crisp clean path. That first step is always the hardest.. so kick that steps ass! You have already had great sucess, you can do it again! Good luck and I look forward to seeing how you do in the weeks to come!
ooo- rebecca- i like your idea- my own staffsargeant huh? i need one of those- and i am probably just angry enough to find it in me- thanks
I think that will work great for some folks Rebecca. I’m not so great at that kind of thing though. I get indignant when somebody tries to kick my butt. I’m like a mule who digs in and won’t budge. HAHA! I have better luck when I’m kind to myself and allow myself room to mess up. However, too many weeks went by where I was out of control. It’s time to pay closer attention and figure out how to get my exercise routine going again. I think I’ll start by putting on my sports bra and bouncing as soon as I type this comment. Then, I will eat my breakfast and come back to the computer to work. Let’s see if I can manage it!