I’m in a weird place – yes again. I am really trying to understand why I do the things I do and what they mean. How they make me happy or miserable or sabotage me. Ever since a major discussion with somebody important to me almost four weeks ago my mood shifted and I focused so hard on my hate. Which is weird because I didn’t want to feel hateful and in some ways I felt relieved about some of the decisions made in the discussion. I am truly in a phase of transformation in my life.
Anyway, I owe you a blog and a weigh-in, which I did do and gained, but I don’t have time at the moment.
Today I am going to a visitation for a funeral for a woman about my age who is the ex-wife of my friend. She had complications from the H1N1 and in a few weeks died, leaving behind two small children and my friend’s life wholly different on many levels. It seems like she touched everybody in our small community with her beautiful singing voice and her love of music and dedication to her church and her children. I didn’t really know her, but many of my friends knew her for a long time and I feel so sad for them.
Something like that really makes you think about the things in life that are important. What would be important in a moment like that?
I just can’t focus on exercise and food journaling right now for some reason. I think I need to go back to the beginning and see what I was doing then that was so right and now that seems to be throwing me into less healthy food patterns. I’m sure the hate eating at me and the feelings of betrayal play a large role in it. But those life-altering decisions did too. So what does it all mean?
I need to be accountable for what I put in my mouth. Sometimes I won’t even go near something bad for me – for weeks on end I can do that. Then other times, like last night, I just want some dang Chinese food and I don’t want to have to feel like the lowest form of life on earth because of it.
Anyway, on the way home the other night this song came on by Pink. It really struck a chord and it’s been going ’round in my head. Then when I watched the video it really resonated with me. The carnival and all the things happening around that girl and the way she was left alone with all of that going on around her. The way he just left her standing there. It’s in that moment at the carnival and then later in the whole relationship. He doesn’t seem to be all there the way she is, does he? A whole relationship can be illustrated by some scenes at a carnival. Anyway, I thought I’d share it with you.
I found this quote:
“Hate is not overcome by hate; by love alone is hate appeased. This is an eternal law.” ~ Buddha
Who knows if I am capable of this. I feel like I don’t really know myself right now, which is a very strange feeling for me.
you already know you are capable because there would be no feelings of hate or resentment if there was no love…you simply wouldn’t care. you absolutly love…you just have to understand and forgive, don’t confuse those things. let your love appease, let it see you through the forgivness and understanding, let it lead you to want love for them in the future. there is always love, you always have it. work on you first. you first. you first. it can only be fixed if you are fixed. ily sissy. my thoughts are with you, and at this service, your thoughts will be where your love is…you’ll see.
Thanks – it was good to hear that. I know I don’t want to have this much hate down inside of me. I feel like I was “made” do feel that way by the way I was treated. I know it’s easy to say that people can only make us feel bad if we let them and sticks and stones and all that – but what people say and do MATTERS and DOES affect how we feel. Especially when it’s a person in a position of trust in your life. In a position to hurt your heart – that makes a huge difference.
I know I’ve got a good heart because I always TRY to do the right thing. I know I have failed in the past to do that. I know I have hurt others. I know that I must send the right energy out there because whatever I send out, I will get back. Theoretically.
I dunno B, I just want to be at peace. I just want to feel love, togetherness, the ability to forgive. It’s really hard to forgive when trust is damaged badly. I mean, if you keep trusting and people are still lying and still doing things behind your back – how the heck can you ever get to a forgiving and loving place? I don’t think it’s fair to expect that of a person. It’s like ripping their stitches open over and over and at the same time being annoyed that they don’t heal!
I dunno – I just need to keep working on it. I have to keep my stress level down for my own sanity. And I will try and remember how much I am loved and let that work through me.
It sounds like you feel like you need to trust them to forgive them and those two things are seperate. Aren’t they? Do your eally have to trust someone in order forgive the broken trust? Could you simply accept the fact that who they are is usually a reflection of what they do and love in spight (SP) of that? Just place the trust in yourself that you won’t allow these “wrong doings” to affect you they negative way they used to. Forgive them for what you expected of them that they didn’t give you. And allow yourself to heal- don’t hold onto it. I can only offer these as ideas… I cannot say it would be something I could do because I don’t know that for sure…but it sounds good in theory right? I LOVE you and keep in touch and keep me updated. I hope PA was as happy to see your lovely face as I would have been
Brandi – trust sure does help when you are trying to forgive somebody. I don’ t know if everybody needs trust to forgive broken trust, but I do.
I wonder what any agreement means to anybody if they are just broken, ya know?
The only way I guess I wouldn’t need it is if they were completely out of my life.
Think of it this way – how can you move on in any relationship when the agreements between two people (or more) are not honored?
Say if a person keeps agreeing to meet you for lunch and they only show up half the time and don’t bother to call and cancel. How many times can you deal with that before you just stop agreeing to meet them anywhere? I mean, sure, you can forgive them for what they are or what they DID, but you just have to stop agreeing to meet them for lunch at some point, right?
Will – thank you for that nice stuff you said about me. It’s true I do try and figure out what is right, what is fair and not only how I feel but what I want to evolve towards. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just be the embittered bitch, who doesn’t grow and just stays hating. Ya know? I mean, I sure could if I wanted to. But who wants that ugly cloud of hate floating around them all the time?
We are all part of the same thing – but some of it really is painful – way more painful than what I’ve been dealing with as of late.
xo
It’s important to note that you don’t just “try to do the right thing,” you actually work at figuring out what the right thing is and then doing it even when it’s hard—when it would be much easier or gratifying to do the wrong thing. A lot of people don’t get that far.
I was reminded today of a spiritual concept that, to me, makes even deliberate attacks from others more absorbable. Everything is holy; everything that exists is a manifestation of the universal power, of life, of reality. Even the bad stuff, even the pollution, even the destruction are all faces of the same thing: the world (including the cosmos) we are all part of. So good and bad are not merely in balance, they are different faces of the same energy. Yeah, it’s pretty abstract, and I certainly can’t manage it all the time, but it makes it a little easier to consider someone dumping on you as a simple flow of energy in a much larger system, and therefore somewhat inconsequential.