Another year over, and a new one’s just begun….

Lyrics by Alanis Morissette

that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you

****

It’s been too long since I’ve participated in my Weighting project.   Why?  Well, it’s been a mixture of a few things and all of them are valid and none of them are reason enough to not take good care of myself.

THE END TO SOME THINGS…
AND THE BEGINNING TO OTHERS.

In May of last year one of my close personal relationships began to strain.  Evidently the other half of the relationship was unhappy and had been feeling the strain of unhappiness in one form or another for a while.  They kept it hidden from me out of love and loyalty, at first.  Then one day a dam broke and a torrent of many years of hurts and resentments came crashing over me.  A poorly executed attempt to make a big change resulted in me learning a multitude of past lies and betrayals and the blame of their unhappiness laying at my feet.  At first, I was so wounded by the concept that there might be something wrong with ME as a person – with the way I look, the way I talk, my ideals, they all seemed under scrutiny and I thought, for this person, maybe I should try harder, maybe I should change some of it.  This really put me in turmoil because it goes against so many of my beliefs about learning to accept yourself.  Yet, somebody I loved was unhappy and they were telling me that I had something to do with that, so I saw it as my duty to figure out what I was doing that was so bothersome.  Yet, there was no one large glaring thing, more like a thousand tiny things and most of them weren’t really the kind you fix, they were just the kind that made you a less compatible companion. 

For months following, promises were made and broken over and over and over.  At some point, no matter how important a relationship is to you, you have to decide it’s doing more damage than good and if so, what you should do about it.  You need to grow up enough to let the relationship shift, for your sake.   You need to find the strength to allow them to pursue whatever it is that they think will make them happy, even if it means you have to keep stepping further and further out of the picture.  (See the Alanis Morissette video down the page a bit further).  This is life.  This is the journey and nobody gets out of it without hurts and bends in the path. 

When I first started Weighting back in May, I couldn’t really talk about any of this, but it was heavy in my heart every day.  In those months of May through September, I was feeling very competitive about my looks.  I did want to drop a lot of weight and in moments wanted to lower my calorie intake to force the weight change faster.  But the part of me inside that was still strong kept telling me that I needed to be happy with myself the way I am.  That’s really hard to do when you feel like your appearance has caused a major negative change in your life.  The stress of not knowing each day what hurt was waiting for me, not knowing what was going to happen, made me wake up early most mornings, shaking, crying and feeling sick to my stomach.  That continued through September.  And I stayed pretty steady in my Weighting project until then.  Then in September the decision was made that we should find a different sort of relationship to have.  To have something that kept the good parts of what we have and cut out the parts that were causing problems.  In some ways this shift made me focus less on my appearance.  I had been pretty hard on myself in the months previous and suddenly felt burdened by having such a tight control on my food.  It made me cranky and resentful to have to account for everything I was putting in my mouth and doubly so to have to admit it to the world if I decided to eat two donuts.  Overnight, faded the urgent need to change my appearance to something thinner.  Which wasn’t even what I wanted with this project in the first place.  That was why I had such a hard time deciding if I should even do this project at all.  I was concerned with all of these dire outside pressurs that made me question my self-worth that the project would trigger my eating disorder and become all about being thinner, instead of all about the concept of dieting.  But I realized something recently – all of this, it’s all part of the journey and part of the project and my desire to alter my appearance, is part of the findings of this experiment.

Onward.

I had trained myself pretty good since May and for a couple of weeks I felt very guilty about some of the things I was putting in my mouth – cookies, pie, fried chicken and so forth.  I still ate some of the healthy things I would eat, but a lot less of them.  For a while there I was eating plenty of fruits and veggies every single day.  Then, after the guilt started to subside and my conditioning of the previous months faded,  I pretty much became the person I was before May.  I ate bowls of cereal that I didn’t measure out.  I indulged in many holiday cookies and copious amounts of mashed potatoes.  I had white rice without an ounce of concern.  Then by the time the holidays were drawing to a close, I felt pudgy.  I never stopped being pudgy in the first place, but I was starting to feel pudgy.  I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothing again.  What had been getting loose was working on being tight again.  I saw the hint of my waistline that had begun to emerge, now submerge under a layer of pounds. I made a few anemic efforts to start back on the project in the first few weeks after I stopped journaling, but at some point, just gave up.   But in the days leading up to and following Christmas I had to admit a few things:

My knees were hurting again.
My hair was looking a little rough.
My tummy around my rib area has had a return of some subtle lumps that had started to go away and are now back.
My heart flutters were back and they had been absent nearly the entire time from sometime in May until just a couple of weeks ago.
My energy is lower and I am getting very sleepy after eating.  Even passing out early on the couch and having a hard time waking.
I have had more headaches in the past month, particularly the past two weeks, than I have had in all the previous months since May.
I feel crappy because I know my labs would probably suck right now if I took them, so there is an emotional impact.

I want to be around a long time for my daughters and for Will.  I want to be healthy for the people who love me and I want to respect myself enough, not to “lose weight” but to eat healthy and exercise so I don’t have a stroke or heart disease or diabetes.  I want to be good to myself.

I decided that the balance I had in Weighting during the first several months is what I need to think about.  I was eating a small amount of chocolate most days of the month.  I was having wine when I really wanted it, in small amounts.  I just need to re-boot the whole concept and enjoy wine, chocolate and put plenty of healthy things in my mouth every day.  I need to feel happy and indulge my sensual side, while not over-indulging more than rarely.  For myself and for those who love me.

I will enjoy food.  I will have treats.  I am a sensualist and not having enjoyable food is like living without sex.  Those things make me happier – sex, wine, chocolate, they add to my happiness and I will not give them up.  I don’t feel I need to, if I just keep a nice balance.

I know some people who really had a horrible 2009.  My suffering is nothing compared to that of some, but I did suffer and hurt.  I feel my heart was disrespected and mutilated for months.  Eventually, coming to an understanding helped put some of that on the mend.  I will never be the same in my heart though – some for worse, some for better.  Hopefully the joy will outweigh the pain.  But more than anything, hopefully I will have grown enough to be less selfish and more giving.  Hopefully I will come to a place of complete healing where I can be at peace with those who did not have my best interest at heart, in a fleeting moment or still today.

I have long loved the idea of this song, which I think my friend Jackie called to my attention a number of years ago:

And so my journey continues.  My heart, scarred and scared, still beats.  I am thankful for that.

My friend Tracy said this year is going to be better.  2010 is going to be the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddesses. 

WEIGH IN

I find it facinating that doing the Weighting project for something like 6 months I lost almost 20lbs.  Yet not focusing on exercise, calories and fat for about six weeks did an amazingly fast amount of “damage.”  Why is it that we can put the weight on so much quicker and easier than it takes it to melt away?  Actually, there is an article in a magazine somewhere I was readina all about the biology of weight fluctuations.  I meant to post about it some time ago. 

In any case, today’s weight is 253.  My first weigh in, May 2009 was 259.7. 

I got as low as 240.5.  Nearly down into the 230s.  I haven’t been there in probably 12 or 13 years.  It would have been nice to get down.  I was feeling more balanced in my appearance.  Why does it even matter?  I don’t know, it just does for some reason.  I don’t hate myself because I am round.  I just would prefer being a little less round.  But more than that, I prefer feeling great.  I prefer feeling healthy, strong and full of energy. 

I’m not one of those fat girls who think they can’t dress sexy or ride a bike or go to the park with their kids or fly to Paris because she is fat.  No fucking way.  I can do all of those things, if I want to.  I just think life would be a little easier if I was about 75lbs lighter.  I only just now pulled that number out of the air.  I don’t even know if 75 is necessary, but it sounds ok.  And I don’t want to meditate on a number, I just want to eat healthy.  But would it help to have a goal amount to try and lose?  Or would it make me crazy?  Is it anti-feminist?  Is it anti-self-esteem and a bad example to try?  Am I over-thinking the whole thing?

WILL’S HELP

After watching my stress level max out and my exercise regime disintegrate; after seeing the return of snack foods to the pantry and the take-out menus getting more wear-and-tear, Will told me, “After the holidays I am going to be more involved with your Weighting project and I am going to help more with the food.  When you eat better, I eat better, we all eat better and I am feeling it.  I want you to be healthy for a long time and I do too.”  Something like that.  Anyway, I was already going there in my mind too and we have very similar likes with food – Jade does too, so with some extra help it should be easier.  Though Will is not going to be journaling what he eats, he is going to think more about portion size and what he eats and will be weighing with me.  The really big change besides the type of food though, will be that he and I will be making each other accountable for regular aerobic activity.  We both sit at desks all day.  I am able to get myself into a routine usually because I have my mini-trampoline here, but with his long commute, it’s tough for him to squeeze in time for exercise, but we are going to make it happen.

WILL’S WEIGH-IN:  179.9

This morning I made eggs with veggies and veggie patty sausage.  I used a couple of yolks and several egg whites.  That mixed with onion, mushroom and green pepper made a very large, yet low calorie, breakfast.  Besides being tasty it was good for us.  And I felt good about it after I ate it too!

Am I discouraged that I’ve essentially only lost 6.7 lbs?  Well, honestly – no.  I was worried I would be BEFORE I stepped onto the scale, but with Will’s love and support and all of you who send me so much encouragement, I feel pretty good about the what I’ve done here on Weighting.  I also feel like I’m getting a fresh start.  Like a bulk of the stress, hurt and confusion is behind me.  I want to be here for the people who want me to be here — I want to be here and be strong and sharp and capable.  I also want to be happy.  So, count your blessings Heather and pay attention to your health, it matters.

A fresh start in 2010 – the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 1st, 2010 at 11:03 pm and is filed under Food Images, Thoughts, Weigh In. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.