“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.” ~ Lord of the Rings quote
*****
You may have noticed, I haven’t blogged in a while. Though I have, in some small measure, updated my regular website: www.HeatherBartlettArt.com
Though I have been unable to focus on Weighting, in a way, I am always doing it. I just haven’t been recording food and weight and measurements. But it is in my mind each time I make a decision, to exercise, to not exercise, to eat a brownie or a salad instead. Because I haven’t been recording or being as accountable for my food, I am sure I am the same or more than the last time I weighed. I plan on trying, yet again, to focus a bit harder on this project. The project of me.
I am not sorry for all of the re-starts. I am not sorry for trying again and again to focus my energy. I do wish that I’d been able to manage, but I forgive myself for so many reasons. The first of which is that I don’t really need to be hard on myself anymore when I approach or run right into a perceived failure. I have had a difficult year. Weeks before this project started I began having difficulty in my marriage. I also received a lot of negative feedback about me, the way I looked, the way I spoke, the way I viewed the future, the present and about me as a person, and in particular as a wife, from both my husband and his new girlfriend. Some things I already knew about myself, but had no idea they were having such a devastating impact on my marriage. Other things, I’d never previously known. Not for lack of wanting to, though.
This barrage of negativity chipped away at my self-esteem. It was a difficult thing to add on top of all of the dangerous self-talk I was about to invite into my life by focusing on my food and my weight. While I was in the photo session to take the photos that I used for the banner and for “Eviscerated by the Peach Jar’s Glass” as well as other shots to be used later, I spent much of that session on the verge of tears and self-loathing. It is difficult for me to look at those session photos because I feel so ugly.
This, to me, is a bit ironic. Why? A few months ago I took some photos in the same “wardrobe” as the session back in May of last year: a sheet. These photos were out in the snow. I was feeling more like my old self. I was having moments of joy – yes, true moments of joy. The girl in those photos is the same girl, but she looks so different to me. Can that be?
I have often said that when women come into my studio they are not to allowed to say or think negative things about themselves. It is a “goddess zone” – a safe place from negative self-talk. I believe their faith in themselves and their faith in me to take a good photo, has a huge influence on how well the photos turn out. It’s so important to believe in your power. It’s even more important not to let others take it away from you.
I suppose it would be easier to just ignore those bad things being said about me if I didn’t care a whit about the person saying them. Or what they thought of me. But when you believe a person is seeing you in a golden light and you find out that they are seeing you in a very negative way, you feel squashed like a bug. Annoying like a fly. And as important as an ancient, dusty, dilapidated, threadbare couch.
What can you do? You sort out the eggs from the baked cake as best you can, try to fill in the holes with something resembling dignity and limp away. Lick your wounds. Cry. Ask yourself “why” a million times. Then realize that you still have people who think you are pretty terrific. Or at least they seem to. You realize you have enough food to eat and a roof over your head and beautiful daughters and you say, “I think I can do this…” And even though you are still full of holes, you try and keep moving. Keep trying. Keep waking up and putting on clothes and taking steps in well-lit direction. Watch you step. Careful with your footing. Yes, careful with your footing.
Your critics will feel excited that somebody who was supposed to love you now sees you more in the light they do. They will have big, “I KNEW IT!” grins on their faces. And you just deal with it because, really, you don’t care what they think. You only care what the people who care about you think. So, you smile, with your head held high, and walk on by.
Do what you can to be good. Do what you can to cultivate good karma. Do what you can to feel like you have done your best. And call it a day.
I work on it every day. And I will keep working on it. And now, maybe I am at a calmer place where I can try again here.
Since I last blogged here I have had several medical tests on my spine, lymph nodes and thyroid. A bit of a scare, but basically – so far – nothing major to worry about. Well, they don’t think so anyway – I still have to get my bloodwork done. Another revelation from my doctor: I may be pre-diabetic. If that isn’t a reason to keep on with my Weighting project, I don’t know what is.
At the moment I feel as though I am picking up shreds of myself, my life, my health, my dignity, my hope and ideas, my love and my dreams and sewing them back together into a wild, crazy and hopefully beautiful quilt.
Please visit and leave your notes. They really do help me.
My original day one was May 29, 2009. I am sleepy and do NOT feel like figuring out what day I am on. Though I know I will be on day 365 in May!
I woke up this morning feeling very happy and playful. I sat in my bedroom shooting photos of my stripey socks and Will and bells and other things, like a distracted child. When my feet hit the living-room floor, I suddenly remembered and hollered, “Billy! We have to weigh in today!”
I grabbed the glass cleaner and cleaned of the scale, which had gotten a bit dusty and dirty and took my weight, then Will’s.
I was very surprised to see I hadn’t gained back all of the pounds I’d lost on this project. I actually thought I might be weighing even more!
I immediately began doing some work at my desk and had lots of things to work out and then ended up on the phone with Rachelle. We got in a very involved conversation, at which time probably forty minutes had passed and I asked Will to make me eggs and when he asked what I would like on the side, I promptly forgot I am supposed to be trying to be gluten free and said, “One piece of toast!”
I’m glad to be doing the project again. I feel like I’m in a better place and position to be working on this project. I am also very sleepy right now so I will post my food journal for the day and photos.
FOOD JOURNAL
toast, SB, egg – 120, 45, 72
1.5 c tropical trail mix – 650
1 v. sm. mandarin orange – 35
1.5 c jasmine rice w/ 1.5 c of 15 bean soup, 1/2 slice of cheese – 260, 240, 40
1 lg banana – 107
TOTAL CALORIES: 1569
TODAY WEIGH-IN – 251.7
FIRST WEIGH-IN 259.7
DIFFERENCE: 8 lbs.
I wonder what my bloodwork would look like right now.
“A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love.” ~Leonard Cohen
***
So much has happened since last May when I started this project. I can hardly believe that nearly a year has gone by. I had initially set out to continue this project for one year, but I am thinking it is going to take longer than that to figure out the “balance” that I so desperately want.
I have been through some emotional traumas, as outlined in previous blog entries. I want you to understand that I did let the things going on with me emotionally affect my eating habits.
My heart was broken. Still is sometimes. Well, more like it broke and it got glued back part way and a few pieces are missing. Like that. And during the heartbreak, my body was my enemy. My fat body. I felt like I was not the full sexy potential of MY GODDESSYNESS because I am fat. Then I had to look at that. It’s so far from where I once was. And, hell, I’m not such a bad lookin’ dame. Right?….um, right?
Then I can get into a dozen other conversations with myself about, “why does how I look matter” and “am I not more than my body” and so forth. The truth is, I care about how I look. I care about how I smell. I care about how I FEEL! How I feel FIRST AND FOREMOST. And when I feel good, I look my best. And that is what it’s all about, being our own personal best.
I feel like too much time has passed since I was last seriously tracking food and measuring that the only thing I can do is start over. In a way, I started over each week before. That was one aspect I liked about weighing weekly. It was a marker. A point of marking of the past week and starting out the new week, which made the whole thing more digestible, since it was in smaller pieces than all the weeks ahead of me.
I have tried and tried to “re-start” and have had some success in small stretches. Mostly what I do these days is try to say no to stuff I know is really bad for me, unless I really really want it! That method doesn’t really make me accountable for my lack of exercise and for what I put into my mouth. But, hey, do I always need to be accountable? I suppose not, if my health doesn’t matter to me.
If you stumbled in on Weighting for the first time you might think the blog is about dieting. And you’d be right! But I’m not just a chubby girl trying to lose weight. I am trying to find out what affect dieting has on ME as a PERSON. My self esteem! My health!
I guess some people think it’s a no-brainer – if you are fat you are not healthy. But studies show that is not true. First of all, what is “fat”? Who gets to determine what fat is? And even if “they” do come up with a number for your height, will it apply to everybody evenly across the board? DOES ANYTHING APPLY TO EVERBODY EVENLY ACROSS THE BOARD? Of course not.
You will not come here and find thinspiration or the best way to have a 500 calorie day. Nor will you find encouragement to eat whatever you want as long as you are happy with your body image.
I am going to be 40 years old next month. My weight is affecting my health. I have a small amount fat in my organs. That’s bad and I don’t want it to get worse. I also have had a borderline glucose level and depleted vitamin D. However, my blood pressure seems to be good and my cholesterol (total) is good, though I do need to work on adjusting the numbers in the breakdown.
Here is what I am doing on this blog – I am finding my balance. MY healthy balance. To feel energetic, have a normal glucose level, avoid the legacy of diabetes and high cholesterol in my family and not have an eating disorder or hide behind fat acceptance. To be mindful of the rights of fat girls to be loved and appreciated, but not pretend that bacon double cheeseburgers are ok for my body and won’t impact me. I have seen the difference in my lab numbers. And yes, gasp, I even feel more comfortable with less belly!
So, folks, here is what I am going to do. Because of your love and encouragement I never give up. And even though I have started and re-started I don’t know how many times, I will re-start again.
Things working against me in previous months were the holidays, several feet of snow, winter, darkness, a pinched nerve or something in my upper back that is requiring an MRI and made some of the fingers on my left hand numb, which makes it weird to type. Winter may sound like a cop-out, but the cold weather makes me crave carbs and dairy – mac and cheese for instance.
However, due to my daughter’s severe sensitivity to gluten, I am going to try being gluten free for a few weeks to see how it makes me feel.
Anyway, I am going to kick start again, on Sunday, with some help from Will and I will also ask for some help from Jade.
*Will – I would love to start fresh on Sunday. This will give me time to get the grocery lists and meal plans in order. To put the recipes together in a binder that Tracy, Rachel and Brandi have given to me and if we both weigh on Sundays, which might make us both feel more accountable. Also, if you ask me if I’m doing my exercise, I’m more likely to do it. What do you think?
*Jade – do some walking with me? Maybe some yoga? Help me remember to take my vitamins, when I give you yours? Maybe help me green my thumb up a bit by helping grow some basil, dill and rosemary in the yard? You are sweet and thoughtful and I’m sure you will think of a dozen ways to help your momma.
My back is somewhat improved. I think it’s safe to start exercising again. The snow will melt at some point and spring is coming, which really makes me think bicycling thoughts.
I also have my very cool skates. To be honest, I was too heartbroken to use them. Maybe soon.
There are some big changes coming in my life next month. I will be forty. Robert is moving out of the house. There will be new connections and strain on old ones. But, I am determined that this is the year of The Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess and I will be healthy. I will find balance. I will do this not only for myself, but for the people I love and care about, and who love me too.
Remember Heather, love yourself, but also be firm with yourself and treat yourself at least as good as you would anybody that you love.
SUNDAY!
***
Will snapped some photos of my frolicking in the snow with nothing but a sheet. I have some with full nudity, but I am pondering those. Don’t get me wrong, there are two of them I love. I just have to meditate on it a bit longer. Will calls this series “SnoBaby” – which made me smile.
The excitement I had the day I took these photos – that is the way I want to feel about life. Excited. Interested. Alive and curious. Free.
I visited my friend Tracy recently and we were talking about my blog. Specifically this blog. She said something I found interesting, which is that I’ve been absent from my writings. Not really myself. She didn’t elaborate further, but I agreed that I’ve not been “all here” and I think it’s time for me to get back to my usual, artsy, emotive self. In this blog and my regular blog, www.HeatherBartlettArt.com. I miss telling you my heart secrets. I am tired of hiding so many parts of myself – my feelings and what I am going through inside. The things I am going through motivate much of what I do and the order in which I do it.
I have learned, in oh say the past eight months, to be more discreet. I would say too discreet. I haven’t struck that balance between being discreet about specifics and having a very open dialog about my heart, spirit and inspirations.
I will post my food journaling for the week tomorrow. I also have some food photos for you. I may even be starting up a food blog at some point.
For now I just want you to read the lyrics and watch the video I’ve posted by Daughtry. I’m not a big American Idol fan, but I like Daughtry. Recently I’ve really been able to connect to some of his songs. The video is of the homemade variety and although it has some very adolescent style emo transitions, I love the little cartoon illustrations, I think they are adorable and I chose this video because of them. If I had a choice I would erase most of what the rest of the video has and replace it with the song’s lyrics.
“Over You”
Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I’m putting my heart back together,
‘Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i’m overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
****
It’s been too long since I’ve participated in my Weighting project. Why? Well, it’s been a mixture of a few things and all of them are valid and none of them are reason enough to not take good care of myself.
THE END TO SOME THINGS…
AND THE BEGINNING TO OTHERS.
In May of last year one of my close personal relationships began to strain. Evidently the other half of the relationship was unhappy and had been feeling the strain of unhappiness in one form or another for a while. They kept it hidden from me out of love and loyalty, at first. Then one day a dam broke and a torrent of many years of hurts and resentments came crashing over me. A poorly executed attempt to make a big change resulted in me learning a multitude of past lies and betrayals and the blame of their unhappiness laying at my feet. At first, I was so wounded by the concept that there might be something wrong with ME as a person – with the way I look, the way I talk, my ideals, they all seemed under scrutiny and I thought, for this person, maybe I should try harder, maybe I should change some of it. This really put me in turmoil because it goes against so many of my beliefs about learning to accept yourself. Yet, somebody I loved was unhappy and they were telling me that I had something to do with that, so I saw it as my duty to figure out what I was doing that was so bothersome. Yet, there was no one large glaring thing, more like a thousand tiny things and most of them weren’t really the kind you fix, they were just the kind that made you a less compatible companion.
For months following, promises were made and broken over and over and over. At some point, no matter how important a relationship is to you, you have to decide it’s doing more damage than good and if so, what you should do about it. You need to grow up enough to let the relationship shift, for your sake. You need to find the strength to allow them to pursue whatever it is that they think will make them happy, even if it means you have to keep stepping further and further out of the picture. (See the Alanis Morissette video down the page a bit further). This is life. This is the journey and nobody gets out of it without hurts and bends in the path.
When I first started Weighting back in May, I couldn’t really talk about any of this, but it was heavy in my heart every day. In those months of May through September, I was feeling very competitive about my looks. I did want to drop a lot of weight and in moments wanted to lower my calorie intake to force the weight change faster. But the part of me inside that was still strong kept telling me that I needed to be happy with myself the way I am. That’s really hard to do when you feel like your appearance has caused a major negative change in your life. The stress of not knowing each day what hurt was waiting for me, not knowing what was going to happen, made me wake up early most mornings, shaking, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. That continued through September. And I stayed pretty steady in my Weighting project until then. Then in September the decision was made that we should find a different sort of relationship to have. To have something that kept the good parts of what we have and cut out the parts that were causing problems. In some ways this shift made me focus less on my appearance. I had been pretty hard on myself in the months previous and suddenly felt burdened by having such a tight control on my food. It made me cranky and resentful to have to account for everything I was putting in my mouth and doubly so to have to admit it to the world if I decided to eat two donuts. Overnight, faded the urgent need to change my appearance to something thinner. Which wasn’t even what I wanted with this project in the first place. That was why I had such a hard time deciding if I should even do this project at all. I was concerned with all of these dire outside pressurs that made me question my self-worth that the project would trigger my eating disorder and become all about being thinner, instead of all about the concept of dieting. But I realized something recently – all of this, it’s all part of the journey and part of the project and my desire to alter my appearance, is part of the findings of this experiment.
Onward.
I had trained myself pretty good since May and for a couple of weeks I felt very guilty about some of the things I was putting in my mouth – cookies, pie, fried chicken and so forth. I still ate some of the healthy things I would eat, but a lot less of them. For a while there I was eating plenty of fruits and veggies every single day. Then, after the guilt started to subside and my conditioning of the previous months faded, I pretty much became the person I was before May. I ate bowls of cereal that I didn’t measure out. I indulged in many holiday cookies and copious amounts of mashed potatoes. I had white rice without an ounce of concern. Then by the time the holidays were drawing to a close, I felt pudgy. I never stopped being pudgy in the first place, but I was starting to feel pudgy. I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothing again. What had been getting loose was working on being tight again. I saw the hint of my waistline that had begun to emerge, now submerge under a layer of pounds. I made a few anemic efforts to start back on the project in the first few weeks after I stopped journaling, but at some point, just gave up. But in the days leading up to and following Christmas I had to admit a few things:
My knees were hurting again.
My hair was looking a little rough.
My tummy around my rib area has had a return of some subtle lumps that had started to go away and are now back.
My heart flutters were back and they had been absent nearly the entire time from sometime in May until just a couple of weeks ago.
My energy is lower and I am getting very sleepy after eating. Even passing out early on the couch and having a hard time waking.
I have had more headaches in the past month, particularly the past two weeks, than I have had in all the previous months since May.
I feel crappy because I know my labs would probably suck right now if I took them, so there is an emotional impact.
I want to be around a long time for my daughters and for Will. I want to be healthy for the people who love me and I want to respect myself enough, not to “lose weight” but to eat healthy and exercise so I don’t have a stroke or heart disease or diabetes. I want to be good to myself.
I decided that the balance I had in Weighting during the first several months is what I need to think about. I was eating a small amount of chocolate most days of the month. I was having wine when I really wanted it, in small amounts. I just need to re-boot the whole concept and enjoy wine, chocolate and put plenty of healthy things in my mouth every day. I need to feel happy and indulge my sensual side, while not over-indulging more than rarely. For myself and for those who love me.
I will enjoy food. I will have treats. I am a sensualist and not having enjoyable food is like living without sex. Those things make me happier – sex, wine, chocolate, they add to my happiness and I will not give them up. I don’t feel I need to, if I just keep a nice balance.
I know some people who really had a horrible 2009. My suffering is nothing compared to that of some, but I did suffer and hurt. I feel my heart was disrespected and mutilated for months. Eventually, coming to an understanding helped put some of that on the mend. I will never be the same in my heart though – some for worse, some for better. Hopefully the joy will outweigh the pain. But more than anything, hopefully I will have grown enough to be less selfish and more giving. Hopefully I will come to a place of complete healing where I can be at peace with those who did not have my best interest at heart, in a fleeting moment or still today.
I have long loved the idea of this song, which I think my friend Jackie called to my attention a number of years ago:
And so my journey continues. My heart, scarred and scared, still beats. I am thankful for that.
My friend Tracy said this year is going to be better. 2010 is going to be the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddesses.
WEIGH IN
I find it facinating that doing the Weighting project for something like 6 months I lost almost 20lbs. Yet not focusing on exercise, calories and fat for about six weeks did an amazingly fast amount of “damage.” Why is it that we can put the weight on so much quicker and easier than it takes it to melt away? Actually, there is an article in a magazine somewhere I was readina all about the biology of weight fluctuations. I meant to post about it some time ago.
In any case, today’s weight is 253. My first weigh in, May 2009 was 259.7.
I got as low as 240.5. Nearly down into the 230s. I haven’t been there in probably 12 or 13 years. It would have been nice to get down. I was feeling more balanced in my appearance. Why does it even matter? I don’t know, it just does for some reason. I don’t hate myself because I am round. I just would prefer being a little less round. But more than that, I prefer feeling great. I prefer feeling healthy, strong and full of energy.
I’m not one of those fat girls who think they can’t dress sexy or ride a bike or go to the park with their kids or fly to Paris because she is fat. No fucking way. I can do all of those things, if I want to. I just think life would be a little easier if I was about 75lbs lighter. I only just now pulled that number out of the air. I don’t even know if 75 is necessary, but it sounds ok. And I don’t want to meditate on a number, I just want to eat healthy. But would it help to have a goal amount to try and lose? Or would it make me crazy? Is it anti-feminist? Is it anti-self-esteem and a bad example to try? Am I over-thinking the whole thing?
WILL’S HELP
After watching my stress level max out and my exercise regime disintegrate; after seeing the return of snack foods to the pantry and the take-out menus getting more wear-and-tear, Will told me, “After the holidays I am going to be more involved with your Weighting project and I am going to help more with the food. When you eat better, I eat better, we all eat better and I am feeling it. I want you to be healthy for a long time and I do too.” Something like that. Anyway, I was already going there in my mind too and we have very similar likes with food – Jade does too, so with some extra help it should be easier. Though Will is not going to be journaling what he eats, he is going to think more about portion size and what he eats and will be weighing with me. The really big change besides the type of food though, will be that he and I will be making each other accountable for regular aerobic activity. We both sit at desks all day. I am able to get myself into a routine usually because I have my mini-trampoline here, but with his long commute, it’s tough for him to squeeze in time for exercise, but we are going to make it happen.
WILL’S WEIGH-IN: 179.9
This morning I made eggs with veggies and veggie patty sausage. I used a couple of yolks and several egg whites. That mixed with onion, mushroom and green pepper made a very large, yet low calorie, breakfast. Besides being tasty it was good for us. And I felt good about it after I ate it too!
Am I discouraged that I’ve essentially only lost 6.7 lbs? Well, honestly – no. I was worried I would be BEFORE I stepped onto the scale, but with Will’s love and support and all of you who send me so much encouragement, I feel pretty good about the what I’ve done here on Weighting. I also feel like I’m getting a fresh start. Like a bulk of the stress, hurt and confusion is behind me. I want to be here for the people who want me to be here — I want to be here and be strong and sharp and capable. I also want to be happy. So, count your blessings Heather and pay attention to your health, it matters.
A fresh start in 2010 – the year of the Amazing Star Spangled Cosmic Goddess.
The Amazing Star-Spangled Cosmic Goddess – that’s my new moniker. Like it? Will gave it to me. I bragged about it on Facebook. I love it. It creates lots of lovely visuals for me. I hope if I keep writing it and saying it, it will become a part of who I am.
This is my new video entry. I had notes with me this time – you can tell in spots I am looking at my notes and reading. Do you hate this or is it better? Anyway, I to try and stay on topic, but even so it ended up being my longest vlog yet. I will try to cut down on the time in the future and see how that goes.
“For in much wisdom is much grief; and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.”
- Ecclesiastes 1:18
I have been going through all SORTS of growing. This has made me contemplate a million little questions. Some I found answers to, others I think are questions that we humans have been asking since the dawn of man and still have yet to feel satisfied with the answers.
Why do we hug? What can a hug do? It’s just a hug. It can’t end world hunger. It can’t stop an earthquake. But we hug, because for some reason hugging matters to us.
I need to connect to people. And once I’m connected, it’s difficult for me when threads are yanked or pulled out of me. Every now and then some fluffing is left lying about.
I have, for some time, held the theory that at the base of us all, when you boil us down into our basic needs that one of our needs is to just feel like we matter. Feeling like you matter can make so many things possible. It can give you strength to do things you might not have thought yourself capable of doing. It can build your heart and spirit up. Even if we don’t want to need anything from anybody else, I think that is a very difficult thing to do. To never need acceptance and caring from ANYBODY? I don’t think that for most humans, that is possible.
Sometimes it feels a bit like a weakness to me. The desire to matter is an Achilles heel at times.
When we get angry or are hurt, I think that comes from feeling like you don’t matter. At least for me it does. In some cases it hurts even when we know we do matter. When somebody who’s opinion and feelings we hold in high regard suddenly holds you in lower regard, ouch. That really hurts. You feel like you matter less. You may still matter, but you seem to matter less than you once did. That can stir up all sorts of feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.
I know some people work hard to only find their strength within themselves. To make sure that only their opinion of themselves matter. I just don’t think that is ever possible for me. It’s too hard because my connections matter too much. I don’t care what a majority of the world thinks or feels about me. I do, however, care what my interpersonal relationships are like and how they play out.
When jealousy rears its ugly head, what do you do? What of anger as well? Do you wallow in it? Become vengeful?
When you have deeply intimate knowledge of a person and vengeance in your heart, you can do serious damage. But will that solve anything and will you be proud of what you’ve done when you finally do heal?
There are shallow victories in being bitter and vengeful. But when you are hurting, sometimes it’s like when a person is drowning – just grabbing on to anything they can to stay afloat. You can come away from it I think. But you might never find closure. That’s tough. I feel very sorry for people who do not get closure because it is such a salve for wounds, old and new.
I just try to be open and also ask for what I need. Sometimes cry out for it. If somebody won’t give it to you…what can you do? I guess you have to get to a place where you don’t need it. Or them. I think that only really happens when people just don’t care. When there is an overwhelming amount of selfishness. I guess the only thing you can do is give because if you give something, can it really be taken from you?
What do you think?
WEIGHTING
I have not been keeping track of food. I have not felt well. I’m sure I’ve gained back at least 6 or 7lbs. My soul has been in a million bloody pieces all over the place. In the past seven months I have had many emotionally traumatic moments that have consumed me. In that time I found some solace in this project. It gave me a sense of purpose and self-control. At some point, when a major decision was made in my life, I suddenly stopped caring about it in stretches. Other moments I woke up and felt determined to get back onto the “right track” – but what is that? Losing weight? Eating healthfully? Feeling in control? What is it that I was doing that felt good and bad about this project?
The good things about counting my calories and staying accountable for my exercise:
I feel more in control.
I feel more energetic.
I think more about what I’m putting in my mouth and whether or not it is healthful.
The bad things about it:
I get overwhelmed trying to be perfect.
I get frustrated trying to count everything I do all day long.
At some point the sense of control I have when I count calories and stay accountable about my exercise, I feel controlled rather than in control. It’s too much. Too regimented. I don’t like that and more importantly I can’t make it work forever and I need a forever solution.
Some of the aspects of this project make it easy to get back on track when I fall off. Weighing weekly was something I used to loathe and love when I was in Weight Watchers. Depending on what the scale said. The thing I like about it here, if I can actually even “like” the scale, is that it gives me a fresh start each week – if I so choose to look at it that way. When I feel I have somehow let myself down during the week I feel like I get a re-set every week and allow myself to do better next time.
I think this is what I need to do. I need to weigh myself tomorrow morning – going back to Friday weigh-ins because for some reason I hated Monday weigh-ins, though I couldn’t tell you why, I don’t know! I need to stop trying to be so perfect about every bite I put into my mouth. I feel like a failure when I eat a fry or a Lean Cuisine and I need to just LET THAT GO!
Also, I think going back to my daily couple squares of chocolate was a good idea. I did it the first couple months and it worked great. I think I will go back to that.
I will do the 1800 and slowly get back to exercising. I keep feeling like I’ve screwed up so bad, that there is no way I can exercise at the level I was at before. But HELLO – I don’t have to right away – I can just start by bouncing in the morning or at night then build up from there. Why do I invent roadblocks? I DO NOT KNOW!
And the other thing I need to remember is that this is for my HEALTH! I need to do this to keep my numbers healthy. My body working. My spirit will follow.
On another positive note – Will and Robert have really been working hard to get my studio into shape. Here they are putting up fence and a door and cutting glass etc.
I got a new Facebook page. It’s a artists page so you can “fan” me, which seemed really weird to me at first, but everybody kept saying, “DO IT” so I did it. Now, you can come by and become a fan, I had three at last check – WOO HOO!
I haven’t simply been ignoring you, I’ve actually been very busy. I am getting more and more busy as some things in my life are forcing a change. That’s ok, I’m a survivor.
I have not been the best girl with my food, but I haven’t been crazy either. I saw rows and rows of my face today in the facial recognition software. I think I should do a series of my face as it changes. Take a photo a week or something, for a year I guess. We’ll see.
I promise to get back to you soon and tell you all about my eating habits, my weight, my trip and everything I can think of about the way I feel about my food, my health and my attitude.
I’m in a weird place – yes again. I am really trying to understand why I do the things I do and what they mean. How they make me happy or miserable or sabotage me. Ever since a major discussion with somebody important to me almost four weeks ago my mood shifted and I focused so hard on my hate. Which is weird because I didn’t want to feel hateful and in some ways I felt relieved about some of the decisions made in the discussion. I am truly in a phase of transformation in my life.
Anyway, I owe you a blog and a weigh-in, which I did do and gained, but I don’t have time at the moment.
Today I am going to a visitation for a funeral for a woman about my age who is the ex-wife of my friend. She had complications from the H1N1 and in a few weeks died, leaving behind two small children and my friend’s life wholly different on many levels. It seems like she touched everybody in our small community with her beautiful singing voice and her love of music and dedication to her church and her children. I didn’t really know her, but many of my friends knew her for a long time and I feel so sad for them.
Something like that really makes you think about the things in life that are important. What would be important in a moment like that?
I just can’t focus on exercise and food journaling right now for some reason. I think I need to go back to the beginning and see what I was doing then that was so right and now that seems to be throwing me into less healthy food patterns. I’m sure the hate eating at me and the feelings of betrayal play a large role in it. But those life-altering decisions did too. So what does it all mean?
I need to be accountable for what I put in my mouth. Sometimes I won’t even go near something bad for me – for weeks on end I can do that. Then other times, like last night, I just want some dang Chinese food and I don’t want to have to feel like the lowest form of life on earth because of it.
Anyway, on the way home the other night this song came on by Pink. It really struck a chord and it’s been going ’round in my head. Then when I watched the video it really resonated with me. The carnival and all the things happening around that girl and the way she was left alone with all of that going on around her. The way he just left her standing there. It’s in that moment at the carnival and then later in the whole relationship. He doesn’t seem to be all there the way she is, does he? A whole relationship can be illustrated by some scenes at a carnival. Anyway, I thought I’d share it with you.
